Sunday, June 26, 2011

Four Loko

In April 2010, some shit went down. I suffered through Jury Duty. The world found out how much of a no talent ass-clown Bruno Mars was for the first time. Shit got fucking super real when some kind Armenians turned me on to some magic potion called Four Loko.

Trying to review Four Loko is a daunting task. There are very few words to adequately describe a substance so revolting, so amazing, so dangerous. This was one of the only things I know that went from rumor to banned substance in 9 weeks flat.

Four Loko was a malt-liquor that came packaged in bright, shiny, 24 ounce cans and was priced about 2.25 a pop. I tried it for the first time on complete blind trial without any prior knowledge that such a thing existed. Little did I know it was a 6 dollar thrill ride that would revolutionize self-injurious behavior for the next 9ish weeks in the summer of 2010.

Inside this 24 ounce can is a cocktail that tastes a little like gasoline, paint thinner, medical waste, and Hawaiian Punch. Hidden inside the inviting can is the fact that in each serving was about as much alcohol as 6 Icehouses, as much caffeine as a fucking Starbucks, various other "energy products" that probably are best suited for raising cattle, enough sugar to make a dentist pee with delight and about 2300 calories. To put it more simply, it was a 3 hour free happy hour followed by a coke binge all wrapped up for 2 bucks. And it was fucking amazing.

The fun didnt really start until there was no turning back, though. After one, you feel almost no effects, aside from being super pumped up. After all, you basically just chugged a few cups of coffee. Once the drunk hits you, you're ready to fucking roll. You feel no pain. You move onto the second can and drink it about twice as fast as the first due to being so fucking pumped. At this point, you are persuaded to go out to a bar and rip a million shots. THEN you feel drunk, but you arent tired, so you keep going and going and going until you leave your friend's basement only to see it's 7am and hey, you're pretty hungry and sheetz is like, 2 blocks away. So you crush a few schmuffins, go home and play some Call of Duty and realized you would be in prison if you got pulled over and go to bed. Only THEN is the party over, but the fun really starts when the Lokohangover kicks in and this is playing on loop in your head no matter how many tylenol you chew and how much water you drink.

After the Internet decided Four Loko was really awesome, moms everywhere threw a royal fit cause some idiot teenagers drank about 6 and wound up in the hospital after they wrapped their car around a tree. And when moms get pissed, they write letters to Congress. And instead of curing AIDS, Congress bans awesome shit to make moms happy. And that's exactly what happened around December 12th, 2010, when the FDA decided poor people and drunk kids were having entirely too much fun and demanded Loko be pulled from shelves. We, as a people, knew we would survive this. After all, we survived the ban on Sparks a few years ago. But without 2 dollar liquid coke binges, what would we use as inspiration for putting on kids Halloween costumes and riding skateboards like row boats past a church letting out? Probably real drugs we bought from illegal immigrants, FDA bros. That's what.

Of course there were loop holes to the ban. You could find a down ass bodega and casually ask for it amongst other taboo items, ala Homer Simpson. You could stockpile it yourself and just keep it around, like I did until I ran out. Or, you could go full on White Lightning and start making it in your bathtub and running it all over the place like some crazy West Virginian meth head, which I may or may not have tried as well. It should also be known all Loko that was not sold before the ban was turned into fuel. For CARS AND TRUCKS. Also, after being punked by the FDA, they decided to make a more mom friendly Four Loko with "all the taste" but "none of the fun", which, for any human who tried the original knows is a total load of bullshit. So if anyone tells you they have some, you can pretty much kick them in the face and remind them that they're 18 months late and their stupid jokes aren't funny anymore, not even in the nostalgic sense.

I'd also like to include these babes, just because:

As for actual ratings, I guess this will be posthumous, because I refuse to rate the new formula. I'd rather drink Infamil.

Drinkability: 2/10
Taste: 4/10
Value: 10/10
Curb Appeal: 10/10

Overall: 6.5/10


  1. we're gonna have 1 million hits by the end of the day!

  2. One of the best reviews I had read to date. Years ago in my hay days of 2006, bonging a Loko before the bars was common practice

  3. Im just sad I never got to try it