Keweenaw Brewing Company's Widow Maker Black Ale

Turn this shit on and chill out as you read this dope review.

So with a name like Widow Maker Black Ale, only prestigious puss-bags like Billy Cundiff wouldn't try it out at least once. So as the tap illustrates all i knew about this stuff is that it sounded cool and was black, like E2.

So Keweenaw Brewing Company makes this stuff who are not a group of cub scouts working child labor making beers. Its actually a collaboration between DICK Gray and Paul Boissevain located in Houghton, Michigan. They serve beer mostly in Michigan and Wisconsin, so, if you are the majority of the sane people in the USA, you'll never see this beer. They have 5 core beers and a few seasonals that change out every 3 months or so, give or take a day, if its leap year. They have a crapload of special beers of their pubs scattered up in Michigan but you better stop by Little Caeser's beforehand and get a "Hot and Ready" for $5 because they don't serve food there. Like, they aren't the best pizzas, obviously, but you can't afford to not eat it. They're taproom looks actually pretty rad, and you can get drafts for $2.50 so, for $10, you get two beers AND a pizza; best deal ever! If anyone gives you shit about bringing in a pizza into their pristine taprooms, tell them "I Love The Sauce said it's cool" and we'll deal with them later.

Keweenaw Peninsula is the northernmost peninsula of Michigan making it the highest Michigan Wang in Lake Superior and was home to the first copper boom in the United States; and who doesn't like copper?

As far as the beer goes, as the picture clearly depicts, this is a dark beer, but is an ale; thought it does sort of look like a porter, except for the light head. It has a sweet, weak scent and has a nutty, sweet, coffee taste. It's crisp and refreshing, which isn't necessarily good for a dark beer. If you are looking for a dark, full bodied, beer; look elsewhere. But this stuff is good if you are looking for a dark, refreshing beer. It's 5.2% ABV and runs about $5 a pint. I had one of these and tried something else. It wasn't bad, but not mind blowingly radical.

All of Keweenaw's can's look pretty bad ass and if you have some of this stuff around, people from Wisconsin or Michigan will be pretty impressed with you, which means nothing in real life.

Drinkability: 6/10

Taste: 4/10

Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 5.0/10

Guinness Brewery's Smithwicks Irish Red Ale

Smithwicks is from Kilkenny, Ireland and if taken in large doses can really make you wasted off beer, one of my favorite thing beer does. This stuff was brewed in St. Francis Abbey by Saint Abby Francis until 2000. Before that time monks would brew beer and stuff as I'm sure if anyone knows anything about monks it's A.) They brewed tons of beer B.) They have the most strength in Final Fantasy I and the most obvious, and deadly thing, C.) My mom loves to watch them on TV. It's like, monks were the coolest people back in the day. If I could go back in time, I'd totally wanna be a monk after high school. You never hear guidance councilors push that profession; they know it's too cool!

Pete Guinness bought out Smithwick's in 1965 and was like, "Yeah, this sounds like a good idea." So he's been pushing it out the door since then and it was only like 3.8% and American were like, "Hey, if we're gonna drink this stuff you gotta make it a little stronger, ya boneheads!" so they made it 4.5% ABV over here, which is still low for such a full bodied ale.

It's pushed by Guinness, and probably Alec Guinness, so you'll see this all over the place, as I'm sure you already have. I didn't really see it out much until like 6 years ago where I drank it and was like "OMG, ROTFL!" which clearly means I liked it.

It's got a full bodied taste, like, you don't wanna slam this out in the desert, unless they were serving it on that ship Jabba the Hut had in Return of the Jedi where R2-D2 was serving drinks. I mean that place was probably air conditioned. But it's got a caramelly sweet, nutty taste to it. They call it a red, but it looks brown to me. Like, real brown. It smells great, sweet nutty aroma. The one issue I have with it is that douchebags used to always order Guinness at bars, and now douchebags order this to disassociate with the Guinness douchebags.

I order it when I'm in a bar with a bunch of Miller Lite or Belgians everywhere, cuz let's face it folks, if you order anything from Guinness, especially Harp, you're going to be labeled a douchebag and you probably are a douchebag. So go drink this, douchebag.

I feel bad, because it is tasty. But douchebags ruined this. Just like like women ruined voting and that guitar player no one knows ruined Weezer. That guy probably drinks Smithwick's. Oh, if you do order it, call it "smizth-icks" of you'll look like a real jabroni! It's like $8 sixer. $6 for a pint at a bar; you do the math Einstein!

Drinkability: 5/10

Taste: 7/10

Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 4/10

Overall: 5.00/10

Redhook Long Hammer IPA

What's that? You thought this blog was dead? Well you are wrong m f'er! See, the one thing that the writers on this blog have in common (besides being devishly handsome) is that we can be LAZY. Sorry to all you sorry sons of bitches who got used to reading wonderfully funny and inarticulate beer reviews every day. LIFE HAPPENS. But we're back! At least for this one post.

Red Hook Brewery started in Seattle in 1981. I love Seattle. It's probably the best city in the world (I haven't been to Tripoli but I can assume Seattle > Tripoli). Unlike most craft beers, you can get Redhook beers pretty much anywhere, as it is sold in 48 states of the great U S of A. They even have breweries on both sides of the country, one in Woodinville, WA, and one in Portsmouth, NH. The one thing in common between Woodinville and Portsmouth, besides brewing Redhook? Vampires.

The Redhook Long Hammer IPA is a tasty IPA, clocking in at 44 IBUs and 6.5% ABV. It's not the best IPA in the world (again, never been to Tripoli), but it's not the worst either. It has a nice floral, citrus, hoppy flavor, and given the relatively low IBUs, its easy to drink a couple in a row (like 3 in one minute). I got a variety pack on sale on the local Teet for $13.49, a fine deal in my book. The case also included their Pilsnerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, ESB, and Copperhook (one of the items that you can acquire in The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past). Plus the bottles are differently shaped than normal beer bottles. They are more stout and have a shorter neck, kind of like that Jamaican shit Red Stripe. Just not as shitty.

Go out and get the Redhook variety pack, or just get a six-er of the Long Hammer IPA. You're guaranteed to like it, or your money back (not sure who will give you your money back though, so good luck with that, wang).

Drinkability: 7/10

Taste: 7/10

Value: 6/10

Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 6.5/10

21st Amendment Brewery – Brew Free! Or Die IPA

21^st has really impressed me with their brews so far. Click here for some info on them from past reviews.

Brew Free! Or Die IPA is 21^st top seller and for good fact. It’s a complex IPA using 6 different types of hops, but has a nice balance with more malt than a typical IPA. Gives you that bitter burn to the tongue, and then calms it down with the finish. Definitely an IPA you can throw back all night, or morning since its college football season.

Once again the can appeal got me. An artist rendition of Mount Rushmore where Lincoln (not shown) looks like Donovan in Indiana Jones when he drinks from the wrong cup of Christ and starts to wither away. Damn Nazi’s!

So all in all, this is a nice IPA, bout 3 bucks a can so it’s an average deal. Great for a tailgate because it’s in a can and with 7% ABV will get you where you wanna be faster than others.

Alcohol Content: 7% ABV

IBUS: 70

Malts: Two-Row Pale, Imported Munich

Bittering Hops: Warrior

Finishing Hops: Columbus, Cascade

Dry Hops: Amarillo, Ahtanum, Simcoe

Drinkability: 7/10

Taste: 7/10

Value: 7/10

Curb Appeal: 8/10

Overall: 7.25/10

Harpoon Brewery's Octoberfest Beer

You might wanna turn this on as you read.

I, like most people (drunks), love the autumn. It is the season of sweaters, scarves and dark beers. You have your pumpkin boozes and Octoberfest hooch; both of which contain the alcohol. Now I've been called a glutton before and I am okay with that; as I took the liberty of having a few scotches the one night washing them down with 11 of these babies. Was it smart? Yes. Would I do it again? Certainly. Should I do it again. Most definitely not.

I talked about the Harpoon Brewery here and talked about their UFO White here. This lager is often referred to as a Marzen (pronounced "marts-in") which is Bangladeshian or something for March. So these Marzen would be stored around that time and left to ferment and be tapped after the summer. If I made a Marzen I'd name it Marzen Slaughter and you'd have to be tough as nails to drink it, because I'd put on nail at the bottom on each bottle.

Now this beer is pretty good. It has a full bodied, malty aroma, with a touch of bitter and nut. The taste is malty and bitter; they use pale and chocolate malts in this and the bitterness is most likely attributed their Willamette hops, which you might remember from Troegs Hopback, and gives it a dry aftertaste. Now dry aftertastes are good if you want to drink a lot of beer because you get thirsty, but bad if you are trying to stay sober.

This pup has 30 IBUs, a 5.5% ABV and can make ya blow a .25 on a breathalyzer bitches! I didn't blow that but I'm sure if you drink enough of them it'd be pretty easy. I respect Harpoon for knocking out more autumn beers in the rotation than their regular beers but this beer isn't like a fantastic beer. It tastes like fall, if you catch what I mean. It makes you wanna drive around with your buddies, turn on some Steve Winwood, and watch 10 year old kids begrudgingly rake up leaves while their dads watch football. God Bless America! Call me sentimental but this is my first beer of the autumn and it chokes me up a little bit.

I picked up a 12-pack for about $14 bucks, not too bad. I got to see some underage kid try to use a fake ID also, that that made the trip that much more enjoyable. Harpoon is a respected brand so if you roll to a tailgate party at some high school all the junior varsity guys will think you are the shit. But as far as getting it again, like I said, there are so many autumn beers out there but this is a great place to start!

Drinkability: 6/10

Taste: 6/10

Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 5.5/10

Paper City Brewing's Ireland Parish Golden Ale

First things last, this beer will put you on your tookus! I first had this beer at Big Mamou's in Springfield, MA; you can bring your own beer. I had an empty stomach and had the best Cajun food in the state along with a couple of these brews. After two I was lightheaded. You might remember this beer from the review here where I talked about their brewery.

I can't say enough good thing about this beer, though the brewery is a little bit late about getting back to me with the details of their brews.

It has a nice sharp bitterness to it, not last like an Indian Pale Ale and even shorter than the bite from a regular pale ale. Yet, it has a full bodied taste, a nice hoppy, short blast in your mouth. It leaves your mouth a little dry yearning for another taste, which is why these babies go down so fast.

The aroma is slightly sweet but mostly bitter and the taste is directs itself to your sour glands; those are the ones on the outsides of the main part of your tongue. It has a nice dry finish, so that in conjunction with the bitterness makes you want to drink like Robert Downey Jr.

It's foggier than most beer but, hey, what are you gonna do? This is a fantastic beer and if you're in the western Massachusetts area and don't get this, you are a stooge to the max! I'm not sure that it's available outside the area, but, like I said in my earlier review of Paper City, I think it's available in Bukowski's in Boston.

Drinkability: 9/10

Taste: 9/10

Value: ???/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 8.3/10

Paper City Brewing's P.C. Blue Ale

New England and blueberry beers go hand in hand. I honestly don't claim to understand it, or New Englanders for that matter. Now, I'm a large fan of blueberries; blueberry jam, blueberry pancakes; handful of blueberries in my mouth, but the idea of blueberries and beer together has two results, typically. It is either a really good idea, or a really bad idea. Some things go good together, such as peanut butter and bacon hamburgers, or chicken nuggets and chocolate milkshakes. Other things, such as popsicles and scotch, do not. But...they possibly could...?

You might remember a little bit about Paper City Blue-ery from this re-blue. Every sampler seems have a fruity, or equally disgusting beer in their variety pack and Paper City is no different. I was actually going to leave these behind for the squadron of babes that visit on a regular basis but then I realized it would be more beneficial if I consumed this alcohol, in the name of science and the blog; so I did. I can see the feigning spirits of the babe army outside the door.

This beer is surprisingly not bad. It'd put it up there with the Wasschusett Blueberry Beer as far as quality goes. I don't particularly like blueberry beer but this one isn't too overbearing. Some flavored beers are fruit first, beer second, but this is not the case. The scent is clearly overrun with with blueberry fragrance and the taste also has a strong blueberry taste to it, but it's more of a strong, yet subtle aftertaste. You know this is a blueberry beer when you are drinking it, but if you have gotten over the acceptance that you are drinking a blueberry beer, it's actually quite enjoyable. It actually sits a little heavy on the stomach so it isn't like you can drink 1,000 of these in one sitting but as far as taste and smell go, its pretty enjoyable.

I find the label to be mild to extremely Busch league and you can't very well go around drinking this in front of a bunch of dudes and look macho. If you have a live in girl at your place, picking up this variety pack isn't a bad idea, because girls like to fit in and drink beer like they're as cool as guys, so they can drink three of these and be happy. Plus, I'm drinking them and I haven't died yet, ya know? So it isn't that bad, just not that good. I'm still macho as shit though.

Much like Marble Madness for Nintendo, every great idea needs "a bad one" and this is it, as far as Paper City is concerned. Not bad, just not great; but good for a blueberry ale.

Drinkability: 6/10

Taste: 6/10

Value: ???/10
Curb Appeal: 3/10

Overall: 5.0/10