Bell's Brewery's Oberon Ale

Crank this ill shit to the max and sit down if your comfiest rocker!

Some people think the first day of summer is when they can finally jump in the pool, or when school lets out, or when they touch their first "bikini boob" of the year (which is usually the best of the year). But alas no, it is when you take your first sip of Oberon; which is weird since it's released in April. So don't think it too early!

So let's talk about the elephant in the room; the label is god awful. I have something against suns. I think Sublime might have ruined them for me but I am not a fan. I'm more of a moon guy and it's cooler cuz you can howl at it. Aroooooooooooo!!

So it loses serious points for the label but let's move on.

So let's talk about the beer for a change; a novel idea. It's a light, hazy yellow with a white, clean, short head. It has citrus and fruity scents mixed with a wheaty punch. It's got 56 IBU's so its got a slight hop to it. Oh shit, I forgot to redirect you to the first review where we "talk" about the brewery. It's here. The taste is much like the look an smell, light, wheaty taste with a hoppy bite mixed with fruit and citrus.  It's surprisingly malty but not heavy on the palate. You might find some "flavor crystals" as the bottom of your glass but you can just feed those to your dog.

At the end of the day, this is a fine beer. It's hyped to the max in the midwest so it's sort of a boring old standby. It is refreshing and it is good for you. It's great when the temperature exceeds 90 degrees. I paid 11 bucks for 6 of them so it isn't as cheap at your prom date and not NEARLY as trashy. It's 5.8% ABV so you can get tore up after a handful. Would I get it again? Yeah, I'm not stoopid. But you aren't going to impress anyone unless you go where ever Bell's ISN'T sold.

Drinkability: 9/10
Taste: 8/10
Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 3/10

Overall: 5.0/10

Bell's Brewery's Special Double Cream Stout

Please allow yourself the privilege to blast this so loud your neighbor's neighbors get deaf as shit!

So let's set the stage; shall we? I was recently in the Kalamazoo and against my better judgement I wandered down to the old Bell's General Store for a few well deserved libations. I knew Bell's is the ill shit after partaking in a few choice beverages in previous outings and from our initial review of their Stout done by some of our more handsome reviewers here.

So if you are from the midwest Bell's is as common as corrupt Chicago politicians or Chicago murders (we're up to 1 a day on average; keep up the good work southside!) So yeah, its common so shit man, I can find some of their more typical stuff everywhere (20 states currently) and they got their stout, Oberon, Two Hearted and it never really made me feel special; the way a beer makes a man feel special. And shit, I'm special, so as I went to their General Store I sawr this and as soon as I see the words "special" on a beer I'm already half in.

So special, huh? You got me; now explain yourself. At first I tasted nine different malts and was astounded when I found out they actually use ten. I guess my tongue isn't as discerning as it was in the 80's. What malts? How the shit should I know? I'll tell you what I can tell. Coffee, caramel, probably caramel 2-row (if that's a thing), cocoa, and red dye number 2; I don't know. What the heck good am I? Well, I can tell you this Potsie, if you run the 110 meter high hurdles I wouldn't beer bong any of these under the bleachers with all your pals. I'd be impressed if ANYONE could bong these. These are more apt to be poured over  a stack of pancakes.

It's darker than your conscience after prom-night (the bomb-night) and has a tan similar to Julian Tavarez. Actually, as I fact check this it may be a little darker. Tavarez when he's on vacation for sure. The scent is overwhelmingly sweet with bitter, coffee and chocolate undertones. I mean no one is going to be surprised that this jazz is heavy, McFly. You get some decent oaktree effect on this bad mother and a smooth, malty finish (so at least you will have a nice finish if you do drink this before the 110 hurdles).

This stuff is far more common in the winter months and I no doubt caught this on the end of its annual reign. I might get into some more of this shit next winter if I see it out and about but it will have to wait until the colder months. It's got a 6.1% ABV and I paid about $2.00 for a bottle at the store but I couldn't drink it until I got into the parking lot.

Drinkability: 7/10
Taste: 8/10
Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 7.0/10

Central Water's Ouisconsing Red Ale

Crank this ill shit pronto.

So this is another beer from the guys over all Central Waters. We first reviewed Central Waters here so if you wanna know more you gotta read that shit, bro.

Ouisconsing sounds like a GD word people say when they talk about, what's that called, shit, uh...shit. I looked all over the interweb and I had no idea what it's called. Google sucks! Regardless, what? Oh..the word. Algonquonese for a Milwaukee river? Or something? THE Wisconsin River. Sorry. What was the name of that dance?

So let us talk about this beer specifically; why don't we? So unless you're Ray Charles you can tell this beer has a pretty serious amber look with a pretty gnarly head on it. What is actually pretty special about this beer is that frothy head. It leads to a very smooth, malty flavor. It's more full flavored than a lot of ales out there. They must cram about fifty tons of caramel malts per bottle. That's my amateur estimate but I feel it's pretty accurate.

It's smoother than Orlando Bloom at a frat house; I mean smoooooth. I suggest this for anyone who likes a full-bodied beer or a fan of stout that isn't looking to drink their dinner in one pint. This is one of the better red ales I've had and it's as smooth as gravy without all that "gravy" taste.

The label is pretty typical of all beers they had in the pack. Not a huge fan but what the heck do it know about art. It's simple and gets to the point but when do I ever want to get to the point?

I'd definitely try this bastard again. I will say, this is way better out of a glass than the bottle. It packs a 4.8 ABV so it's of mild strength; it tastes a lot stronger. I picked this muminabatch up in a sampler pack and it ran 21 bones for 12. Mathwise I probably could have done better but well worth. As Steve Brule would say, "Check it out!".

Drinkability: 8/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 7.0/10

Lakefront Brewery's Monkey Wheat Ale

Take this bad mother up to 11!

Yet another beer from our friends at Lakefront; Milwaukee. Let me start by saying this does not taste like bananas unless you've gone bananas. For some reason I thought it might but it tastes like a wheat ale as any normal person would guess. I have had a banana bread in my day and I suppose that's why I felt it might taste like bananas; plus the monkey on the label. So it's a little "deceiving" and by "deceiving" I mean "I'm retarded".

It's got a clean, white head (like yours truly) and the foam lasts as long as a Shia LeBeouf's innocence at Elton John's birthday party. It's got a bubbly, hazy, golden look to it as any hefeweissen would. The label resembles the type of children's book. The ones that are super simple and the one's I'd use for Book-It just to get free pizza at Pizza Hut because they have a grand total of 100 words. Great. Now I want pizza.

It has a wheaty scent to the old bastard. Which makes sense since they use pale wheat malts (along with 2-row). They stick strictly to cascade hops (which I feel is a little amateur) so it's not a very complex flavor and, dare I say, a little boring. I'd stick a little fruit in it (not Shia LaBeouf). Like a lemon or orange slice. Mmm. Orange Slice. Do they still make that?

They stick about 7 IBU's in this guy. Match that with the 4.5% ABV and you're gonna need to crush 10 or so to get a decent buzz on. The beer itself is pretty easy to crush. This is good if you are a 13 year old prepubescent or a 65 year old jagbag. I feel if I had a ton of these I might get a little bored with the flavor so be sure to have plenty of fruit on hand when drinking this.

I probably wouldn't look into getting any more of these if I didn't have a lemon on hand. It's not the type of beer you'd want to bring camping or crush in a parking lot. You gotta plan way ahead and it's not dirt cheap (like I usually like) so is it worth the effort? Probably not. A decent beer but given how lazy I've become this will mostly stay on the back burner and I'd stick with Bridge Burner or something along those lines from Lakefront.

Drinkability: 8/10
Taste: 6/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 5/10

Overall: 6.0/10

Murphy Brewery's Red Ale

Jamming this to this review wouldn't be the worst mistake you ever made in your pointless life.

But cheer up buttercup; this is the review for Murphy's Red Ale. Some of the more handsome beer reviewers on this site grew up with cries of praise to this amber beacon of flavor. So what the hell is the problem? Well, let us start at the start.

1856. Cork, Ireland. The show called "Murphy's Brewery" blooms. James Murphy and his brothers found the brewery; which they have been puttering around in a few years earlier; dabbling in the art known as brewing booze. It only took them five years to get noticed from some of the most notable boozehounds in Ireland (aka everyone). Over the course of the new handful of decades James did a lot of shit, bailed out a few banks, crushed some hoes; typical shit.

At the turn of the century the brewery continued to thrive. A vat of booze exploded in 1913 causing over 20,000 gallons of beer to flood the street, causing brewery workers to swim to safety in the shit they loved so much; Scrooge McDuck style. So while all this fun was happening, America was like "What the fudge, dawg?" and it wasn't until 1979 Murphy's learned their manners and let America enjoy their booze. Six years later they made their mothers proud and shared with everyone. They really only have two beers, their stout and red ale (also referred to as Irish Red) and their red is only exported. So if you are looking for it in Ye Olde Ireland, tough shit!

So what do we got here? A nice light, amber color. Clear as Daniel Radcliffe's homosexuality; not that there's anything wrong with that. It has an off white head that is surprisingly thick and malty.

It has a sweet scent to it with hint of caramel. It's got earthy undertones with a bold sweetness to it.

It doesn't take a genius to come up with this next conclusion but this beer is not meant to drink in a bottle. You got (GOT) to pour it in a glass. It makes it taste at least a million times better. At first sip, it might not taste like much but after a few sloshes in your mouth it really shows its shit. It'll coat your mouth with a thick, malty layer of bittersweet deliciousness. This beer really needs to breath to perform unlike the girl hog-tied in your trunk.

I will admit, I used to love this stuff and after slugging these down one night straight from the bottle I was a little more than unimpressed and I was a little ashamed of myself. I was really looking forward to this beer and you can imagine my disappointment. Once I poured it into a glass, it literally BLEW. MY. MIND. Well. I mean I liked it before so maybe it didn't blow my mind. My point is...pour it in a glass. I might not rush to get another six pack of this ($10.99) but I completely recommend picking up a pint at your local craphole bar. It's got an ABV of 5.0% so it's middle of the road there. It is a nice little treat and why the heck don't you treat yourself? Oh. And I think the new label sucks! (Just my opinion)

Drinkability: 6/10
Taste: 8/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 6.0/10

Central Water's Glacial Trail India Pale Ale

Jam this to the highest of volumes.

So if you know anything about anything you know we initially review Central Waters here so if you want to remind yourself their story (like I just did) just click on it. If you don't wanna learn jackcrap and live in your brother-in-law's basement your whole time just keep reading like some sorta turkey.

So this is their IPA, right? It's got a nice look to it, don't you think? They got the Industrial Design dropout label and the "we brew this in our basement" bottle cap. I do like the label though; the majority of their labels have similar designs. They've gone through a few labels in their history and I guess this season is their minimalist season; cuz who isn't into that shit these days? I picked up a 12 back sampler for $20.99. Not horrible for such a small brewery.

The beer itself has a nice amber color to it; complimented with a nice tan head. The beer is cloudy as you would expect. It looks just as good in a glass as it does in your stomach; or on your drunk friends white shirt.

It has a piney, hoppy aroma. Sweet undertones tickle the olfactory bulbs. Yeah, I went there.

It has a relatively malty taste. The aftertaste leaves a dry finish on the filiform papallae which any jerk can tell you is reserved for sweet flavors. Am I saying this beer is sweet? You're darn tootin'! It has a heavy consistency that I certainly enjoy. They only way you will win a long jump competition after drinking three of these is if you have a talented gift to levitating because these bastards will drag you down faster than your one friend who you never want to hang out with, but then you ignored their call the last three times they called and you feel obligated to answer their calls. You realize that once you hang out you aren't going to have fun and you impatiently keep looking at you phone at the time praying for someone else to call you with an emergency to get out of this situation. "Sorry buddy, Terry just called and I have to help 'em with putting IKEA furniture together; shit!"

This is a great beer for anyone who might like a mild IPA (only 68 IBUs) and anyone who might enjoy a full, hoppy beer. It's heavy so you aren't going to slug 1 million of these but, hell, you can still try. They have an ABV of 5.5% but you would think it higher after a sip or two. I'd get this again, especially out of a tap. It's great out of the bottle and if I came across this at some sort of BBQ in a cooler I'd prolly grab one and try to impress people with my knowledge of it. Then I'd get too drunk and make a royal ass out of myself. Not bragging; just foreseeing the future.

Drinkability: 5/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 6.25/10

Lakefront Brewery's Fuel Cafe Organic Coffee Stout

Rip it sister Hazel!

Yet another beverage from our friends at Lakefront. We first reviewed them here so if you want to learn anything, read that. If you want to read a load of crap, read that and the contents below.

Now, it's common knowledge that I have a man-crush on this brewery; that's evident. It rivals some of my other man-crushes a la Kevin Bacon in Footloose and Christian Slater in anything he's ever done. It's also common knowledge that I like stouts (truth be told I like just about any beer) so this should be a grade A Dominique Wilkins; Two Handed Slam over Joe Dumars' puny frame. Spoiler...it is.

This cleverly disguised can of motor oil, when not used to blind bats' sonar, emits a dark, short head representative of a fine stout. I can safely say, this stuff blocks light completely. So if you are a total wuss or in a situation where you need light to go through your beer, like some science project or something, I'd steer clear. The label is relatively simple; you got some sort of percolator or some shit on there (because its brewed with coffee, you numbskull) and it's got that USDA seal of Organiticity (which makes any scrub look like a total baller; which everyone can enjoy). Where's the coffee come from? How the crap should I know? What am I some sort of coffee king of Tibet? Grow up.

It has a sweet, bold aroma. The deep scent signals to your dang brain it's gonna be a thick, malty brew; which it is. They got malt galore in there (2-row, Caramel, Crystal, Roasted Barley, Chocolate and Black). All those malts are organic as your ex-girlfriend's vegan casserole that taste's like a damn boot that washed up in Jersey. They use Perle hops (Yes, also Organic) and all this stuff in a boiling pot will get you about 18 IBU's and 6.4% ABV. It doesn't take a Buster Poindexter fan you know that a few of these will rip you a new one.

Of course this beer is delicious. It's a full flavored, rich coffee stout. It's quite similar to their Bridge Burner (which we reviewed here) but 10 times more organic. So organic your stomach won't believe it. It's pretty thick and will lay a nice coat of "delicious" in your mouth and a nice coat of "beer fat" around your cute little love handles. You better pick some up before spring or, dare I say, summer hits or you'll be dead. No question. This is a winter beer and you better embrace it, pal!

Drinkability: 6/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 5/10

Overall: 6.25/10