Thursday, May 24, 2012

Lebatt Blue Light Lime

Stop laughing. I mean it. I'm using this "review" as an opportunity to talk about the glory of big cans and lawnmower beers and sunburns. I'm one of the few American males that don't completely discount the recent surge in lime flavored bullshit as "for girls" or "stupid". (Iron City Mango is a different story altogether.) I'm a giant fan of session beers in giant cans, because you really can't turn your nose up at an over-sized novelty item. Hulk Hands were sweet, right? So are foot long hot dogs, 6 pound cheeseburgers, monster trucks. See the trend? ALL OVER SIZED AND NOVEL. Let's set the scene, shall we? It's late June and you, as an adult, have lawn care responsibilities*. These aren't necessarily difficult tasks, but a pain nevertheless. You glance out the window and realize that maybe those funny looks the neighbors were shooting you probably had something to do with the fact your lawn looks similiar to this:
With a heavy sigh, you check weatherbug and see that it's a soul crushing 88 degrees outside. Cloudless, blue sky. With disdain, you man (or woman) up and do your suburban duty. You battle sweat in your eyes, pissed off bees and other unknown insects. You manuever your mower with utmost precision around poorly thought out shrubs and flower beds. You even get a little crazy and try to re-create the famous center field vag in your back yard. As you sweep up the driveway, you admire your job well done. You struggled through oppressive conditions. You deserve a reward. A token to show yourself how great you really are. You go into the fridge. Purple stuff, water, Sunny D. None of these will quench your mansized thirst. There, in the back, you notice something. No, not the leftover olives from pizza night, dumbass. The shiny, ice cold can of domestic goodness. The lawnmower beer. The gold medal you deserve after completing the Olympic event that is lawn care. The lawnmower beer is the male equivalent of the girl's bubble bath wine. The adult equivalent of the collegiate shower beer. Just a little something to reward yourself for a job well done. A damn good excuse to hear a pop top open while it's still light out. No one, has beef with this tradition. You did your chores, treat yo self. But why stop at a mere 12 ounces, my friend? You got the green light, drive like you mean it. Stock your fridge with big cans for moments like these.

 The big can is a tradition unlike any other. Presumably made popular by the homeless, the big can is for the man who doesn't want just one beer, but does not want to be attached to the stigma of actually being a homeless person and knocking back a 40oz of Olde E at noon on a Saturday. The glory of the big can is the affordability and variety available basically everywhere cigarettes are sold (unless you live in Pennsylvania. Then you actually have to seek out the holy grail of day drinking). You can go as scummy as colt 45 or as classy as Heineken. Flawless planning by alcohol companies ensure that every big can is a watery, chuggable session beer you rarely pay more than a buck fitty for. Characteristics that are synonymous with lawnmower beers.

 For my first foray into mower beers in 2012, I shopped around. I considered my options. Tecate big cans are a fridge staple from May until August, but recent developments in the Mexican sociopolitical world forced me to consider other options (The gas station was out). But then, I saw a sign. Literally. A sign that any flag waving American male will never pass by. "Beer blowout!" I put my skepticism aside and looked into this claim. And, an offer unlike any other presented to me. 12 BIG CANS OF LEBATT BLUELIGHT LIME FOR 8 DOLLARS. 2 cases purchased, no questions asked. Already cold, loaded into my trunk by a human other than myself. Nary a finger lifted. Since this is a review, and not really storytime, I shall delve into the characteristics of this beer with no hesitation. It tastes like sunburn. Light and limey without a trace of salt like those communists over at Bud Lite force you to indulge in. It's from Lebatt, which is Canadian and somewhat respectable there. Why our neighbors in the great white north would decide making a beach beer is a good idea is beyond me, but i'm damn glad they did it. I'm not making a bold statement and saying this is the best beer you can keep in your fridge. Far from it. But for a stinking dollar per can, you're an idiot to choose anything else to use as the go to lawnmower beer.

*Those living in cities with pavement and traffic and noise and stupid things, just throw back to the memory of shitty chores you had as a child

Drinkability: 9/10
Taste: 5/10
Value: 10/10
Curb Appeal: 10/10 - Rappers rap a lot about big cans now instead of 40s. Seems like an endorsement to me.