North Coast Brewing Co. Red Seal Ale

Red seals, pink elephants, black rhinoceroses, and purple monkey dishwashers! What is the world coming to?!

The Red Seal Ale is brewed by North Coast Brewing Company in Fort Bragg, CA. Like me, you might have thought that Fort Bragg is near LA, but you'd be wrong. It's actually in the northern coast of California (duh) near the start of the Redwood forests. The logo for NCBC is a sperm whale, and its pretty cool. Did you know that whales evolved from wolves? Yea, some old guy threw a wolf in the ocean one day a long time ago, and blammo, we have whales. Yay evolution!

The Red Seal Ale has won quite a few awards. The year 2000 was great for Red Seal Ale and NCBC, as not only did this not happen, but gold medals were won in both Denver and Sweden at some kind of beer contests. I'm pretty sure that beer tasting was involved, but I bet people went skiing too. While drunk. Drunken skiing. Hmmmm.

The Red Seal Ale is listed as an American amber ale, and if you had to define the color amber with a picture of a glass of beer, this would be it. It has a heavy taste (not like philosophical heavy but hangs out on your tongue heavy) and sits heavy in your tummy too. There are hints of some kinds of spices and a fair amount of bitterness, which makes for an all around nice drinking experience. Due to its heavy ass flavor and 1000 calories per 12 oz serving, I wouldn't drink more than one of these at a sitting. It would be nice in the winter though, while sitting around a hole in the ice with these guys waiting for a fish to come hither. It has a decent 5.5% ABV, and costs the standard price to get drunk around these parts, at $9 per six pack.

The Red Seal Ale a fair ale, nothing too special. I'd try it again, but wouldn't kill a baby seal for one or anything.

Drinkability: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Value: 5/10

Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 5.5/10

Onion Pub and Brewery's Paddy Pale Ale

The Onion Pub and Brewery graced Illinois in 2003. The name itself derived from the Potowatami tribe. Apparently these rascals were canoeing down rivers in the outer Chicago area and went up to Lou Piniella and straight up told him the place reeked more than the Cubs; like an onion. True Story. Sort of.

The brewery itself is on an old sand and gravel quarry and the framework for the building is made of 250 year old, environmentally friendly, deadfall Douglar Firs; which everyone knows is my favorite wood. I wouldn't mind getting a baseball bat made out of Douglas Fir and beat Elijah Wood, which is my least favorite wood.

Paddy Pale Ale has an ABV of 5.4% and Onion Brewery's flagship brew. It's got some strong hops to it, not as smooth as a Sierra Nevada or Yellowtail, but not as bitter as a Dale's, which is the first one I thought of because its in a can. It has a creamy aftertaste which is pretty surprising, in a good way. It's how I would picture the aftertaste of Genny Cream Ale to be like, if I ever drank it. I'm sort of scared to. I'm not sure why. But this ale is crisp, refreshing, and a citrus taste to it. It runs about $10 a sixer. In the future I'd pick up another pale ale but it's worth trying. If you can get some for free I'd do that for sure.

I'm a fan of the cans though. It's got two drunken, miners or some shit. The one on the left looks like W but I'm still of a fan of the old fart on the right.

Drinkability: 5/10

Taste: 6/10

Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 5.5/10

Alexander Keith Brewery's Pale Ale

An elk on a label of a pale ale usually sells itself, which is exactly what grabbed me into grabbing this beer; and the fact it will be the first Canadian beer covered by the blog.

Alexander Keith's Brewery started up in 1820, around the time of one of my favorite wars, the war of 1812. This makes it, as scholars put it, a old ass brewery (for North America). So up in Halifax, Alexander Keith jumped across from Scotland to Canada back in 1817 and apparently got right to brewing beer. Today the brewery makes, like, 8 beers, two of whom are seasonals. They didn't actually export beer to the States until this year, 2011, which make sense since I never saw it around before and lord knows I stopped going to Canada when I turned 21.

If you are in Canada, however, you can tour this brewery but it costs, like, 20 bucks, which an economist will tell you is utter bullshit. You couldn't pay me to go to Canada. Well, you could, but it'd cost way more than $20. We're talking, like, $30. They also have a translation on their website to French, which makes it one of the more sissier sites I've ever been to.

Now down to the beer. This beer wasn't bad but if they keep assuring me this is a pale ale, they're gonna get a fist to the mouth. This is a horrible "pale ale" but a decent "lager". It has nutty overtones, with a hint of citrus. It's got an ABV of 5.4%. I don't know. This beer really upsets me because it doesn't taste, no, it's NOT a pale ale. I don't like people lying to me. I wouldn't buy it ever again for that simple reason. Shame on you! Didn't taste too bad though. I feel they are lying to Americans because this beer is export only which makes me wonder "What are they REALLY hiding up in Halifax?"

You can get a sixer for about nine bones.

Drinkability: 5/10

Taste: 6/10

Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 5.5/10

Harpoon Brewery's Summer Beer

So it's summer, big deal. I more-or-less covered Harpoon brewery here. Actually, I just read that review and it didn't say much about it.

So Harpoon has breweries in Windsor, Vermont and Boston, Massachusetts. It started up in 1986, when the Detroit Tigers were almost in their prime with the obviously aide of one-time all star "Sweet" Lou Whittaker. They got like 10 or so beers, half are seasonal and most popular is their IPA, which I will never drink again. Just because I don't like IPAs.

Harpoon also tried their hand in soda pops and other shit but gave that up in 2009 when they realized they didn't get you wasted drunk.

"Rich" Rich Doyle did up the business plan in '86 and met up with Dan "the Canary" Kenary and George "Legit" Ligeti who all wanted to start a brewery that had a Euro-trash feel to it, which makes sorta sense since beer back then was as cool as Chelsea Handler but way funnier; like, Shlitz? C'mon!

Since then, Harpoon has grown into a household name winning shit-tons of chickenshit awards and shit.

This is their summer beer which is a Kölsch style beer, which is some bullshit reference to beer brewed in Cologne, Germany. This shit is available April-August and depending on sales and inventory can probably be found in September. This ale has a lager-esque taste to it and has a golden color (so I'm told) and a pretty smooth taste. It has a smooth, citrus smell to it and a similar taste. It's a little wheaty, but not as much as a hefeweissen obviously. It's got a 5.0% ABV and I picked up a case of this for 25 George Washingtons.

You can really slam these light, high carbonated babies down at a barbecue or equally booze-friendly fest. They got this Del Mar racetrack/Denver Nuggets look. I suggest if you drink this is public show off your tats so people don't think you're a nancy boy. Also, the label directs you to love beer and love life. I don't like bossy beer.

Drinkability: 7/10

Taste: 5/10

Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 5.5/10

Magic Hat #9 (not so pale ale)

Put me on cloud nine, oooooh baby! What a magical beer indeed!


The Magic Hat Brewing Company's # 9 (not so pale ale) is brewed up in South Burlington, VT (not to be confused with the shit-hole that is North Burlington, VT), the home of the University of Vermont. My good friend Bert works at UV, and he really likes beer. I bet he likes this beer. In Vermont, they call themselves "Vermonters" - I like it. I also like that Vermont is the home of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. Magic Hat refers to their beers as "elixirs" and not as beers. I like that too. Vermont seems like a cool place to be, until you remember what winters are like there.

Magic Hat claims that their #9 brew is a mysterious beer, and they might be right. They say on their FAQ page that #9 is way better than the numbers 1-8, and for some reason it works. They gave the not so pale ale the #9, but aren't sure why. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the mountains of pot and thousands of Phish concerts attended by the brewers. Wait, am I stereotyping? Yes, why yes I am.


The significance of the #9 doesn't really matter, as this ale is going to score close to a perfect 10 on this review. Even though its called a not so pale ale, it is a really tasty one, with fruity bitter tones and a lovely aftertaste. The smell is delicious too. It's not too bitter, so for those of you that don't like bitter beers, this might be a match made in heaven. I love uber-bitter IPAs, but I enjoyed this lighter fare all the same. It's light on the tummy and boasts a 5.1% ABV, so you can drink PLENTY of them and not feel too full / drunk, unless you want to feel full and drunk, then keep 'em coming. Its a tad on the costly side, maybe $10-11 a sixpack (I got a single 12oz bottle at TJs for $2), but totally worth it. As the humidity and heat are cranking up here in the S-th, the magical #9 elixir will sure be stocked in my fridge for continued enjoyment all summer long. And probably in the winter too.

Drinkability: 9/10

Taste: 10/10

Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 9/10

Overall: 8.0/10

Yuengling's Porter

I should mention I have a real problem with this label being red. I'm not sure why but I do.

Yuengling Brewery's information can be found on our Black and Tan page or the Lager page.

This beer is pretty good. The problem is that it's late May in New England so it's already hotter than her. The porter itself has strong tastes of coffee and cocoa. It's a medium heaviness of beer. I've had some heavier porters such as this, and lighter porters such as this. Yuengling charges a little more for the porter than their regular brews but it's a pretty good beer; for the winter. Drinking this is a summer is as smart as taking your sister to the prom. You can make your own Black & Tan by adding 60% Porter and 40% Yuengling Premium and 2% Butterscotch Ripple.

In short, this beer is pretty good. I like the Black and Tan better but this is a nice sipping beer that any midnight campfire can oblige. If you are in Pennsylvania, no other porter will do.

Drinkability: 7/10

Taste: 7/10

Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 4/10

Overall: 6.0/10


Other Yuengling Reviews:
Yuengling Light
Yuengling Lager
Yuengling Black and Tan
Yuengling Bock

Great Lakes Brewing Co.'s Eliot Ness

The Great Lakes Brewing Co. is a brewery and restaurant in the city of Cleveland. They started off in a little shack making some decent brews in 1988 and eventually expanded into a six building compound in west Cleveland. I visited the brewery recently and being restricted by age from hanging out in the tasting room with all the other snobs, stood outside and admired the what looks like 200 year old building from the side walk. oh well.

This lager gets its name from the legendary, mobster slaughtering Eliot Ness. Ness was the leader of the Untouchables, a group of government agents who hunted down all the freedom loving bootleggers who only wanted to make some booze for their parties. History lesson aside, this brew is good drinkin!

It enters your mouth with the rich, malty flavors of a lager and trickles down your throat leaving a pleasant, hoppy and fruity aftertaste. It's as smooth as the Cuyahoga I tell you. Cuyahoga pre-pollution ridden/catching on fire of course. It's not too heavy of a lager and is definitely something I could drink twelve of at an outdoor gathering.

There's an awesome picture of a guy pretending to be Eliot Ness on the bottle. Decked out with a fedora and grasping a mug of brew. I think there may even be a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

It's $9.50 for a six pack at the local Giant Eagle. But I suppose I could get it for four bucks cheaper anywhere else.

Other Great Lakes Beer Reviews
Alchemy Double IPA
Lake Erie Monster IPA
Conways Irish Ale
Commodore Perry IPA
Rye of the Tiger IPA

Christmas Ale

Drinkability: 9/10

Taste: 9/10

Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 10/10

Overall: 8.5/10

Williams Brothers Brewery's Midnight Sun Dark Porter Ale

Williams Brothers Brewery is located in the New Alloa Brewery in Alloa, Scotland. It was started by Bruce and Scott Williams in 1992. They have about a dozen beers and the Midnight Sun Porter is the strongest at 5.6% ABV. This bottle first grabbed my eye because of the badass label; black, white, and reflective gold. You know if you see a guy drinking this not to mess with him. He's a loner Dottie, a rebel.

The beer has won a shitload of award for probably being really good. I didn't really read what they were because that is irrelevant in this review. The have a beer called the "Heather Ale" which was their first and flagship style beer at their brewery, initially called Heather Brewery. So long story short, some old lady came up to the Williams Brothers and said she has a rough beer recipe written in gaelic. She had claimed it came from the 17th century based off of some story. The story basically goes this Scottish King wanted a beer recipe to he captured a Pictish prince and beat the shit out of him in order to get it. The princes dad, Pictish king, was pissed and jumped off a cliff; reasonable. So if you want to believe that story, go ahead. Again, irrelevant.

Behind that badass exterior lies a fantastic beer. This porter is thicker than your average porter. The head has a strong, brown coloring than most and the beer has a aroma of thick accents of cocoa and coffee. The taste is similar but not as bitter as some other porters reviewed. They claim to add a little ginger to the mix but I don't taste it for one, and I hate ginger.

This is easily complimented with a chocolate chip cookie, as I am doing right now. I actually made a special trip to the kitchen to get one. You can't exactly slam a bunch of these in one sitting but it's a great beer to sip on...with cookies.

This beer is a pretty good bargain. It was $4 a bottle and that's about how much gasoline would cost to pick it up from Scotland yourself, give or take.

Drinkability: 6/10

Taste: 8/10

Value: 7/10
Curb Appeal: 8/10

Overall: 7.25/10

JosephsBrau Stockyard Oatmeal Stout

I didn't spell the name of the brewery wrong, I swear. It is actually called JosephsBrau Brewing Company, located in San Jose, CA. And you know what the trick is, what the dirty little secret is? This beer is made by Trader Joe's and sold exclusively at Trader Joe's. You know that TJs likes to play up their name for different ethic food products that they make, like Trader Jose's for Mexican food, and Trader Tito's for African food, well this is their take on the Irish. TJs is a pretty great store, and I do like their specialty food products that you can't get anywhere else, but sometimes they just piss me off. They claim that if you fill up a grocery bag of their food and compare that to a bag of food from another grocer that theirs will always be cheaper. Somehow whenever we go to TJs we end up dropping a Benjamin and walk out with three bags. WTF? Oh wait, what's that? I forgot to mention the case of two buck chuck (only in Cali, it's three bucks elsewhere) and other modestly priced delicious wines that we bought. Yea, that usually jacks up the spendage. But still. And don't buy their produce, it goes bad really fast. I do like their tortillas though.


TJs take on an Irish oatmeal stout was so-so. It has a slightly bitter aroma, and tastes a bit like chocolate and oats, but nothing too overwhelming. After taking a couple sips and waiting a minute or two, if you spit on the ground (or the wall, I'm not picky), you'll find you have crazy snotty brown saliva that looks like you were just enjoying some Skoal. This stout has an ABV of 5.2%, and goes for $6 a six pack, or a ducket for a single 12oz bottle (cuz TJs is cool like that and let's you buy single beers), so you don't have to waste your whole wad on buying a six-pack of beer that is just average. And that's what this oatmeal stout is, just average. I would maybe get it again, cuz its only a dollar, and I would definitely drink one if it was free, but I'm not going to go running out to TJs all excited for it (have you seen the traffic in TJs parking lots? Cripes almighty! You'll have better luck turning your poop into gold than finding a parking spot sometime! People love their two buck chuck!)

Drinkability: 5/10

Taste: 5/10

Value: 8/10
Curb Appeal: 4/10

Overall: 5.5/10

Eel River Brewing Company's Organic Porter

Eel River Brewing Company is the United States first Organic Brewery in the United States and hails from Fortuna, California. It started up in 1994 and since then they've expanded into a brewery and a bar and grille (has horseshoe pits), having to eventually move their brewery out of Fortuna and into Scotia, California. Since then, their output has doubled and supplies to over 20 States and Canada and Mexico. In Scotia, their brewery runs 100% on biomass renewable energy, has their own water treatment facility and, shit, even the leftover grains from their beer, they feed to their cows, which they slaughter for beef for their bar and grille. These guys are insane! Even their tap handles are made from 100% recycled materials, bought locally, and made with soy based ink. Hippies.

Their porter has an ABV of 5.8% and is a shitstorm of five different malts. The most prominent of those, such a most porters are cocoa and coffee. This actually has a little more combination than I like for a porter. It has a nice, rich taste that coats the mouth and throat with a chocolatey rainstorm of deliciousness but, for me, is a little too carbonated. It has a mild bitterness (like my ex-wife) but has a taste that makes me want to come back for more (unlike my ex-wife....and kids). I bought this double-deuce for $6 which is a little higher than I'd like to pay for 22oz bottle of hooch and the taste isn't really anything to write home about. The aroma is pretty good, a sweet scent, which you would think would be a little bitter given the taste of the beer. The smell exceeds the taste by far. Also, I think the label is pretty gay, like, in a bad way. It looks like something a 7th grader would design in his graphics arts class. The Eels River seal looks pretty cool though.

I respect the efforts of the brewery, that's for sure, but the beer's taste isn't anything too special. It's better than your run of the mill porters. But you can get a growler of something local or a Yuengling porter for less and a little more tasty. If I found 22oz's for under $4 I'd probably pick this up again; that being said it did ship to California to Massachusetts.

Drinkability: 6/10

Taste: 6/10

Value: 3/10
Curb Appeal: 4/10

Overall: 4.75/10

Žatec Brewery's Bright Lager

This is the Czech Republic's Žatec Bright Lager. The Žatec brewery was named for the city of Sacz, which is apparently something to do with a German translation of Žatec, and has been around since 1004, when some jackhole wrote about it in some old bullshit manuscript that no one ever gave a shit about. The important thing about this town is its 700 year old tradition of growing hops for breweries all around the world.

The current brewery its was laid in 1798, just like my great-great-great-great-great grandpa. When the nazis rolled through in the 1930's the brewers actually buried their copper pots so they wouldn't be used in the German's war efforts. Then, ya remember when all that Czechoslovakia stuff went down?, well, the brewery went through some serious ownership changes and crap like that and eventually given to a local operator instead of it's previous "state-run" operation.

This Bright Lager is actually pretty smooth, like yours truly. It's has a light, floral smell and an abnormally smooth taste. Unlike most lagers, with isn't too overbearing with carbonation and is light enough to knock down three beers a piece of these suds when you are tarring the roof of your house. It's only got 4.6% ABV and 500mL for $4 but the drinkability of this stuff is pretty good for a beer this strong. It's a little better than Krusovice, if you ask me but in the same respect, a little more expensive.

Drinkability: 7/10

Taste: 6/10

Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 5.75/10

Carolina Brewing Company Pale Ale

The short and skinny of it - this beer sucked. It sucked so bad I didn't even take a picture of the bottle. I found this one on some dude's flickr account. For a review of the Carolina Brewing Company, see this earlier post. 

When I opened this beer and took my first sip, I thought that someone had played a prank on me. Like that they had emptied the beer and filled it up with seltzer water instead or something. But then I realized that it wasn't April Fool's Day, so who would play a prank like this? Maybe this guy would, but he wasn't around today. Well, it turned out that shenanigans were not had, and what I was tasting actually was the CBC Pale Ale. This pale ale lacked any taste of any sort, it was probably the weakest pale ale I've ever had. It kind of tasted like a pale ale, but like I said above, I thought it was beer-flavored water. That being said, I could have probably drank 10 of these in a row (if I could space them out over 4 or 5 days, cuz I'm a lightweight). It does have a decent ABV of 5.6%, so pair that with its easy-goes-down-the-gullet character, you could get wrecked pretty quickly - but not for cheap though, these guys run about $9 for a six-pack in these parts. I picked up a single bottle of this pale ale for FREE at a get-together today, which is a good deal. You know whats weird, the other CBC beer I reviewed before I also consumed for free at a get-together. What is it about Carolina Brewing Company beers and me consuming them as free party beers? Are people trying to get rid of the stuff? Hmmm. Do yourself a favor and stay away from the CBC beers. Unless they are free, cuz they still give you a buzz, which is what it is all about. Dawg.

Drinkability: 6/10

Taste: 2/10

Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 4/10

Overall: 4.0/10

Duck-Rabbit Porter

Another solid beer from The Duck-Rabbit Craft Brewery in Farmville, NC. Information about the brewery (and their awesome flexibility) can be found here.

The porter from the DRCB is a pretty tasty porter. I enjoyed this beer on a stinky hot evening and I swear I thought I was drinking Gatorade, because my thirst was totally quenched. Very dark in color, the DRCB porter tastes a bit like coffee or chocolate, as any good porter would, but it had a crispness to it that was very satisfying. Like when you have a to-do list that has lots of things on it, then you finish one of those tasks, and you cross it off, and it feels really good. That kind of satisfying feeling, in liquid form. I slowly enjoyed this fine porter, but drank it quickly enough so that it was still cold. I bet it would taste like ass if it was even a wee bit warm. I don't think I would drink many of these in one night, but if I just got done playing a rough and tough basketball game, it would hit the spot (again, the ideal thirst quencher). Or it would be fun to drink a lot of these then try to play H-O-R-S-E with a women's basketball in someone's driveway. At 5.7% ABV, it's pretty average, and at ~$9-10 a six-pack, its a little pricey, but still worth it. All in all, if you want to be like Kevin Garnett or Peyton Manning, drink this porter. Anything is possible!

Drinkability: 6/10

Taste: 6/10

Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 6.0/10

Pinkus Müller Brewery's Organic Hefeweissen

Get your Pinkus on, Fignuts! This is Pinkus Müller's Hefe. I had this sucker in the fridge for a while and finally unleashed it's unconditional fury. I even took the time to pick up a lemon for it; which I'm glad I did because the taste of this beer is pretty disappointing.

This stuff is brewed in Münster, Germany and was founded in about 1816 by Johannes Müller. It was the only brewery left there from over 100 other existing breweries at the time. It's still a family joint there and Johannes great-great-great-great-great grandkids are running it, or some shit. They got about ten beers there and are the world's first organic brewery. It's hard to find any information about the brewery itself; their website is in German and has the format of a website circa 1995. It loads really fast, so that's good.

There might be some other beer blog that rate this beer high; which makes sense because they were probably high when they reviewed it. The taste is virtually not there; that being said, you can probably wash down, like, 20 of these things and not notice it. I really doesn't even taste like beer; it tastes like seltzer water with some floral hints in it. The beer itself has a citrus scent to it; even before you put fruit in it. Very weak though, and again, floral hints to it. I picked up this 5.1% ABV bastard for $4 for a 500mL. I mean, if your looking for taste, don't pick this up. The label is pretty cool itself. It's got pictures of Johannes and Carl Müller and a picture of two drunk fruitbats drinking on a swing. If you roll up to a party with this you'll look cool in doing so, but don't give anyone a taste because they'll think you work for the LBC's LCB because it doesn't smell or taste like beer. I'd actually like to buy like 10 of these and see if I get drunk. I'll do that if I'm bored some day. Don't let the score full you, it looks cool and you can drink a shitload of it; that's about it. I assume it will also get you drunk.

Drinkability: 9/10

Taste : 2/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 8/10

Overall: 5.75/10

Anchor Brewing Company's Porter

I’d crank this while you read, your call though.

So Anchor Brewing Company is based out of San Francisco, the most masculine capital of all the states not counting Sacramento. Anchor Brewery only enforces my opinion that the best beers in the States come from California. That being said I don’t get into Green Flash or Stone Brewery but there are plenty of other fine Californian breweries and wineries. Anchor started during the gold rush in 1896 from a toothless 49’er named Gottlieb Brekle and later sold to Freddy Maytag, the founder of Maytag dishwashers, stoves, whatever Maytag makes. It doesn’t matter because I made that part up regardless. Actually, I just got scared that it might be true, but turns out this Maytag bought this brewery but also made a lot of Blue cheese and is actually considered the father of modern microbreweries, which means I want to shake this man’s dead old hand. Shit. He’s still alive. Well, I’m not gonna visit him! I picture him like the Big Lebowski, the millionaire. “His name’s Lebowski? That’s your name Dude.” I’m totally going to watch that movie now.

Anchor Brewery itself was in turmoil in the 60’s because of the hard sells of lighter beer for macrobreweries, which is why the ownership changed a zillion times. These cats also had a problem is cleanliness, which lead to an eventual non-uniformity of their booze, which caused them to close down back in the day, but don’t sweat it. Freddy moved them to a better place, so you’re still drinking ill shit (in a good way). Then these cats actually started making whiskey and gin, so it seems like everything was going good, right? Well, that old sack of bones sold Anchor for some ex-execs from Skyy in 2010. No reason to hate though.

Anchor has five main brews; 4 beers and a barleywine. The porter has an ABV of 5.63% and goes great with cookies. They also have 4 seasonal beers; Bock in the first 3 months, then, in order, Summer Beer, Humming Ale, and Christmas Ale. So between all the shit, you can find a handful of good beers from these guys at any time. I picked up this double-deuce for $4, which is better than a kick to the rear end you turkey. This brewery really pushes my hippy buttons with their all natural ingredients and their bullshit home-like care they put into their products but I’ll be damned if it isn’t delicious. But anyone that knows anything about beer respects Anchor. Showing up with a few bottles of Anchor is sure to boost you're street cred.

The beer itself was first brewed in 1972, later bottled and sold in 1974. The taste itself has a strong hint of toffee, coffee, moffee, loffee, and cocoa. As you can see, the beer itself is darker than Satan’s asshole and the head on it is darker than most beer reviewed on this blog. This stuff is tough. If you like dark beers, definitely try it out. What Anchor Steam does to ale, their porter does to porters. This is probably the best porter I’ve ever had. I’ve also had a tall scotch before this but trust me, if you love dark beers, try this out. It’s bitter, don’t get me wrong. Let’s put it this way; if you prefer Starbucks coffee over Dunkin Donuts…get this beer. This is, like all porters, not for chugging, but a delicious expression of Anchor's dark side. The force is strong with this one.<--This video is actually AMAZING!

Drinkability: 6/10

Taste : 8/10
Value: 7/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 7.0/10

Long Trail Brewery's Double Bag Strong Ale

Allow me to present Long Trail Brewery’s Double Bag Strong Ale. Long Trail Brewery is based out of Bridgewater Corners, Vermont. It started up in 1989 by Andy “The Fearsome” Pherson. They’ve come a long since brewing in the basement of a wool mill; that’s for sure. They have six regular beers and an additional one for each season. They also have special limited edition beers that include stuff that you don’t even know about! Its common place to find it throughout New England and PA, NY and NJ; but almost half their hooch is boozed in the VT.

The name “Long Trail” itself is named of the Vermont Long Trail, which runs the length of the state; nearly 300 miles. The "Double Bag" either refers to when you have coitis with a broad so ugly that you have to put a bag on her head and, just in case, put a bag over your head, just so you'll never see her....or, and way less likely, the added twice as much stuff to it which will give it an ABV around 7.2%. You choose.

The brewery themselves are ecologically savvy (owned by dirty hippies) and have been presented with an award from the governor of Vermont. Some people think the award is for having more flash on their website than a college streaking but, in fact, it isn’t. It is for their continued focus on water conservation, heat recovery, and using other initiatives to generate power, which they’ve participated in since 1993. Yes. This includes using methane from cow shit to power other shit. That’s a lot of shit.

The ABV on this suck-a-duck is 7.2% which is high enough to grab anyone’s attention from the shelf and if that doesn’t tickle your pickle you might be impressed with the 22oz beauties lined in a row like a Dutch brothel. That’s one reason America is so rad. These “European folk” get by on these 500mL bottles where as here in the U.S. we stand by our double-deuces; that’s 4.5 extra ounces or half a beer if you are my dad. Screw the metric system. These guys also have “tasting tips” on their website. This includes temperatures, glasses and even how to pour it. Here’s a taste tip for ya: Buy a bunch of this stuff and put in it the fridge and drink it until your wife is hot or until you throw up; either way, everyone wins.

A big, brown label and bottle give an impression that this is a thick, syrupy beer but keep in mind, this is an ale, and not a stout or porter. The ale makes it very drinkable and the "double" ensures you get all the flavors doubletime and all the booze, doubletime. There are "strong" hints of cocoa to this. In fact, I wonder if it would taste like hot chocolate if you warmed it up. The aftertaste is pretty strong also, again, hints of cocoa but not over bearing. This isn't a beer you want to go insane with and bong it in a basement through a hole in the bathroom. The smell is pretty mild; it smells like it tastes, which is nothing short of gorgeous. I got the double-deuce for $3.50 so you'd have to be an idiot not to pick this up, you idiot.

Drinkability: 6/10

Taste : 7/10
Value: 7/10
Curb Appeal: 5/10

Overall: 6.25/10

LoneRider Peacemaker Pale Ale

Cowboy up boys and girls. The Peacemaker Pale Ale comes from the LoneRider Brewing Company in Raleigh, NC. The LBC's motto is "Ales for Outlaws." I've never been arrested or been on the lam from the feds, but I enjoyed this beer even if it isn't meant for me.

The LoneRider Brewing Company has a thing for the old west, for cowboys, and for western American style beers. They brew four beers, with names such as Peacemaker, Shotgun Betty, Sweet Josie, and DeadEye Jack. The brewery opened in 2009, and I bet a wooden Indian nickel that repeated viewings of HBO's Deadwood had something to do with it. I've never seen the show, but heard it's pretty good. If there ever was a cowboy for a product to be inspired by though, it should be any cowboy played by Sam Elliott, more well known as The Stranger from The Big Lebowski. He is one awesome guy. Could be the most awesome ever. Ever see Road House? Of course you have. Here's a pic of Sam Elliott as the most sauntering, bad ass, cooler of all time Wade Garrett. Youtube failed to find any clips to demonstrate his gravitas. Go pop it in the DVD player now if you need a refresher, cuz I know you own a copy.

The Peacemaker Pale Ale is marketed as a west coast style American pale ale, and it sure does taste like one that I am sure you have had before. A little hoppy, this ale goes down easy and has a pleasant aftertaste. It also has a pleasant aroma and is not too filling. Just about everything about this beer is pleasant. At 5.7% ABV and ~$8-9 a six pack, it sports a not too shabby ABV/$$ ratio. It's a solid beer, one that is going to bat 0.280, hit 15-18 HRs and drive in 80 RBIs a year. Solid. I'll pony up and buy this beer again, and am interested in trying the other offerings from LBC very very soon.

Drinkability: 6/10

Taste : 6/10
Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 6.0/10

Dogfish Head Burton Baton

I try not to ever sound like a pretentious beer snob ever, but I remember trying my first Dogfish Head product when I was like, 21, at Zeno's. It must have been a special occasion, like Tuesday, cause I don't ever remember drinking a beer based on taste during college, but alas, it happened and it was glorious. And since then, Dogfish Head has exploded all over America's beer swilling faces. They have a full blown TV show on the Discovery Channel that is strangely watchable, several brew pub locations in Delaware and the DC Metro Area which are absolutely not optional if you like booze and hamburgers, and a lineup of 26 different beers, both seasonal and regular release, which range from tolerable to outstanding.

Burton Baton is one of those "limited releases" that seems to come around about 3 times a year. It's a hoppy, stinky, delicious pale ale with an old dude on the bottle, giving it at least 4 bonus points on curb appeal, cause the dude looks like he parties. Before reading anything on the label, I thought I tasted a little oak behind all of the hops, and god dammit, I was right. Burton Baton is a hybrid of a traditional English Ale and an Imperial IPA, both brewed separately. Then once they're good and ready, they are blended together in an oak tank where the concoction sits atop oaky goodness for a month. The result is a citrusy IPA with some woody vanilla accents. Oh, and the wood mellows the beer's taste and makes it an amazingly smooth and easily abused 10% APV. Bonus.

I picked up a 4 pack of this at Giant Eagle for 8.99, which is pretty fair for such a strong occasional rarity. It rang up as being 99.99 at first, and it caused a huge 20 minute hold up at the check out line, much to the dismay of the 14 or so hunters behind me buying Schlitz who were undoubtedly referring to me as a "yuppie bitch" or something equally as flattering. You really can only drink four without becoming embarrassing to be around due to the high percentage, not due to being full and pukey.

Drinkability: 8/10
Taste : 8/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 6.8/10

Big Boss Brewing Co. Hell's Belle Belgian Style Ale

There is nothing Hellish about the Big Boss Brewing Co.'s Hell's Belle Belgian Style Ale. In fact, it is quite Heavenly in a tasty way.

Hailing from Raleigh, NC (pronounced RAWL-E not RAL-E), Big Boss Brewing Company was founded in 2006 by a UNC graduate and an experienced brewmaster. Not much is found on their website regarding their history, so I'll make something up. After the initial keg was filled in August 2006, the three employees of BBBC got sauced and went to the theater to see Talladega Nights. Ever since then they have been saying "Shake n' Bake" to each other when another keg gets filled. Rumor even has it that the founder legally changed his name to Ricky Bobby. Then he changed it back to Ron Burgundy.

Hell's Belle is a Belgian ale, so its going to be cloudy, light, and taste a bit like sausage. My first drink of this fine ale did not impress me; I even uttered "woah" like Keanu in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, and not in a good way. It left a really strong smoky taste in my mouth (it has nothing to do with the bottle of liquid smoke I just drank prior, I swear). But then, as the clouds parted, I enjoyed a second sip and was won over. HALLELUJAH! Slightly fruity and crisp tasting, the Hell's Belle ale was as much of a delight as there ever has been before. This baby will get you sauced ever so quickly, clocking in at 7.0% ABV, and my lightweight ass had a nice buzz after half a beer. I could easily see drinking three of these on a Wednesday night and loving the shit out of American Idol. A sixer costs about $9 at the store, but single 12oz bottles can be had for $1.79 if you go to the right place.

Move Heaven and Earth to get your hands on a Hell's Belle as soon as you can. BBBC brews four other beers and I cannot wait to try them, for cripes sakes.

Guest review from the lovely wife: "I absolutely love this beer. It tastes like summer out of a pint glass!"

Drinkability: 8/10

Taste : 7/10
Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 7.0/10

Red Oak Brewery Amber Lager

Not all things that are located on the side of interstate highways are good. An example of something good - any Sheetz right off of I-80 between Hermitage and State College. Something not so good (or just weird) - Wall Drug off of I-95 in South Dakota. Red Oak Brewery is located right off of I-40 between Greensboro and Chapel Hill in the small town of Whitsett, NC, and I will have to put their Amber Lager in the "not so good" category along with Wall Drug.

Founded in 1979 in Greensboro, NC, Red Oak Brewery obeys the 1516 Reinheitsgebot Purity Law (not made up), which originally stated that the only ingredients allowed in beer were water, barley, and hops. This was an actual law in Germany, which has since been repealed many times. That's like the U.S. government passing a law that only allows beef in Taco Bell beef tacos. Is that stopping Taco Bell's ginormous sales? Hell no. They have cheap delicious food. I am a big fan of the Crunch Wrap Supreme myself. Anyways, some breweries, including Red Oak, like to state that they still follow this 1516 "law" to show that they are pure and fresh. It even says "pure" and "fresh" on the bottle! This probably goes well with the organic, healthy, no preservatives, Whole Foods sponsored diet, which I will say is what attracted me to the beer. 

However, Red Oak's Amber Lager could maybe use some preservatives to help with its taste. It didn't taste like rat poison or anything, but it had a strong almost nutty taste to it, which my taste buds did not enjoy at all. It is dark like a traditional lager, and smells like a traditional lager too. A little heavy on the stomach, this lager is probably meant for sipping while enjoying a grass-fed local organic beef burger and not for getting gnarly drunk and making a late night run for MTOs. At 5% ABV, it will give you a nice buzz if that's what you're looking for (who isn't?). Since this is a local grass-fed preservative free wannabe organic lager, it costs a pretty penny too, clocking in at around ~$18 for a12 pack. 

So next time you're driving down I-40 in central NC and you see the Red Oak Brewery coming up, keep on driving. If you're going east there is a Sheetz at the RDU exit - stop there and pick up a MTO and a sixer of Yeungling instead.

Drinkability: 4/10
Taste : 5/10
Value: 3/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 4.8/10

Van Pur Company's Lomza Lager

Browar Lomza is Poland's fourth largest brewery, also known as the "plastic medal", not that I have anything against plastic. They have been bought and sold a few times in the past decade but initially were founded in 1968 in Lomza, Poland. They currently have three domestic beers and an export. This beer has advertised that it won the bronze medal in the...ya know what? Who cares? No one in the Olympics even brags they got the bronze, sorry Nelson Carmichael. Also, there's something called the "Beverage Testing Institute" (sending my resume) and it recommends it. Now I may be a sucker for advertising and doing what I'm told, but I'll try almost anything any institute recommends as long as it doesn't interfere with my heterosexual orientation. This particular beer is marketed as "Wyborowe", or roughly translated, "Elite". I'm not sure what more elite; the fact this baby has an ABV of 6.0% and I can't tell or the fact it only cost $3 for 500mL.

The beer itself has an odd flavor for a lager. Other Polish lagers include Zyweic, Lazer Jack, Hevelius, and Okocim; there's a few more covered in the blog but you can go look at that yourself. It's got a bit of a smokey taste to it with a hint of floral hops; all good by the way. It has a surprisingly crisp, light taste to it so you could feasibly take down half a dozen of these puppies down with little to no effort and you'll be slurring your words so bad people will mistake you for a common degenerate. So congratulations in advance. A light smell too, not too overbearing.

At 6.0% ABV and 3 bones for half a liter, that's pretty economical. It definitely goes down easy and tastes a little better than other Polish lagers. Plus it's got a guy in a dress with a feather in his hat on the label getting booze from some hot chick which is pretty awesome.

Drinkability: 7/10
Taste : 6/10
Value: 7/10
Curb Appeal: 8/10

Overall: 7.0/10

The Duck-Rabbit Craft Brewery Rabid Duck Russian Imperial Stout

The most important part of this review has to come first: The Duck-Rabbit Craft Brewery's Rabid Duck Russian Imperial Stout contains 10% ABV. That's a lot. A lot. And I think it was a mistake. The first thing I thought of when I set eyes on this beauty was a great Mitch Hedberg joke (paraphrased here): "I think Pringles originally was going to make tennis balls. But on the first day of production a truck of potatoes showed up. Pringles was a laid back company, so they said 'f*** it, cut 'em up.'" I think that's what happened here. One day the Duck-Rabbit guys were making their milk stout (which is excellent by the way), when they forgot to put the top of the vat back on and whammo! the beer's ABV skyrocketed. And since these guys are chill and from Farmville, NC (no, not that Farmville), they said "f*** it, bottle it up." They put a Russian style hat on their creepy duck-rabbit logo and viola a new accidental beer was born. This beer was so accidental it's not even listed on their webpage.

As unintended as it may be, it sure is a doozy. It's super duper dark and slightly viscous (it pours and looks like Coke) and has one helluva strong smell and taste. It tastes like a typical stout, slightly like coffee and chocolate, but amped up because of the extra alcohol. There is a slightly bitter aftertaste that lingers for a while after each sip. And as with any other stout, it is nicely paired with ice cream (Ben and Jerry's Pistachio Pistachio in my case). I picked up a single 12oz bottle for $1.79, which is a steal for any beer, let alone for one with this high of an ABV. I wouldn't drink many of these in a row though, unless I wanted to get tanked really fast for cheap (now that I say that, hmm......). It is a very filling beer, so don't plan on doing somersaults or running a beer-taco run (drink a beer, eat a taco, run a mile, repeat...) with these guys. Unless you want to puke. A lot. Over and over again. I'd definitely pick this up again for a cheap thrill. The Rabid Duck is a fine addition to The Duck-Rabbit Craft Brewery's line of beers. Keep your eyes open for these guys, they're making waves. Waves of delicious dark beer.

Guest review from the lovely wife: she took one sip, then immediately spit it out on the front deck. She wasn't a fan.

Drinkability: 6/10

Taste: 6/10

Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 8/10

Overall: 6.5/10

Clown Shoes Brewery's Brown Angel Double Brown Ale

If you think this blog writes stuff that has no relevancy to anything, we've got nothing on these guys. Mercury Brewing Company is located in Ipswitch, Massachusetts and was founded in 1999. It was originally called Ipswitch Brewing Company (founded in 1991) but had an alliance with United States Beverage for some marketing support and junk and tons of stuff went down, they started and continue to make soda pop...i dunno. Apparently, this beer is brewed there; to make a long story short. And as always, what I don't know, I make up.

Clown Shoes has about six regular brews they push out, then some seasonal ones as the seasons change, obviously. These brewers actually seem like pretty decent characters as they try to take the bullshit and pretension out of brewing since they were founded in 2009. Their labels are rather scandalous so that obviously appeals to me. (But if I was doing it there'd be a lot more topless women on motorcycles, ey oh!)

Now for the beer. I'm sampling the Brown Angel Double Brown Ale; how something can be double brown I can't tell you. The taste itself has a cool, bitter coffee bite to it mixed with a touch of cocoa flavor that really zaps the sour section of taste buds on your tongue, in a good way. That makes you salivate and the left over chocolate aftertaste drools to below your tongue and attacks the sweet. Next thing you know you're drooling more than Gary Glitter at a cub scout convention. This beer is really good though. It's got a great head on it, like yours truly, and you can tell if you pass out before washing your glass because the bubbles are gonna be hard as shit to clean off your glass, which will be easy to do given its 7.0% ABV. The taste is smooth and the smell is actually hard to conjure up, especially given the full bodied taste. It taste similar to Snow Cap Winter Ale which bring up the point, this is a sipping beer. It's not marketed to the winter season but this isn't something you want to be drinking when your mowing the lawn. I recommend drinking it in the evening when its cold or when you're inside with the AC on watching your girlfriend mow the lawn...unless your single, then when you're inside with the AC on watching the glass get longer.

I'd definitely get this again but not so much when the temperature gets into the ungodly 90+ degree range; but I'm a sissy like that. I picked up a double-deuce for $6.99 which is by no means a steal. This is a better beer to steal from a baby but regardless I cannot wait to try more stuff from these guys, but at $7.00 a bottle, it might not be anytime soon. It you see it for cheap, stock up like its 1999.

Everything's right but the price.

Drinkability: 6/10

Taste: 9/10

Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 6.5/10

Zywiec Brewery's EB Pilsner

Another product of Poland's largest brewer, Zywiec Group, EB is a pilsner with a little different spin on it. This beer was introduced in 1993 by Elbrewery (notice the ElBrewery) then when Zywiec bought them out in 1998, the discontinued brewing the stuff for domestic (Polish) use and was used as purely an export; mostly to the US and Germany. Later on as discussed in other blogs covered by ILTS, Heineken is now a majority shareholder in Zywiec Group. It claims to be brewed and bottled in Poland but I skeptical. Not really; I totally believe them. The 1872 date on the label references the English Spring Company, a group that bogarted the spring water initially to brew beer on that estate.

So this pilsner has a very weak smell; what you can smell is great, but it's not very overpowering at all. This deceives the taste buds, as it is very flavorful. It's a light drink but does not taste watered down. And at 5.2% ABV it isn't not trying to get you all sorts of gnarly, though lower than most other Polish Pilsners. The best thing this beer has going for it is that there's a kangaroo and an emu on the label. This could only be trumped by tyrannosaurus rex and shark (if someone can find this please tell me). There's some seals that appear to be awards this beer has won, but I like to think that they are actually pogs. That being said, I still have my slammer and will challenge any of those Polish turkeys to a round.

In conclusion this beer is pretty legit, it doesn't taste as heavy as some of the other Polish Pilsners which is a plus. It has a milder aroma and taste but less booze. I picked up this 500mL bottle for a king's ransom, which is equal to $2.50. I'd get this again if I needed a bottle to go drink in a parking lot somewhere or in my car waiting to pick someone up from the airport or something.

Drinkability: 6/10

Taste: 6/10

Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 5.8/10

Carolina Beer Company Carolina Blonde

I knew something was up with this beer before I even opened up the bottle. You would think a beer brewed by the Carolina Beer Company would be brewed in one of the Carolinas right? Well, think again. The CBC and its flagship ale Carolina Blonde is brewed in Wilkes-Barre, PA! Wilkes-Barre, PA! Wilkes-Barre, PA! (by the way how do you pronounce "Barre"? like "bear" or like "bar" ?) This fraudulent ale not only lies about its location, but it steals money from your pocket. As in this is a crappy tasting beer and I want my $1.79 back.  It is very light in color, has a very pungent smell, and the first, middle, and finishing tastes are just plain ol' not great. I was relaxing by the fireplace last night with a nice roaring blaze going, and thought that this 5.0% ABV beer would help me relax some more. It actually did the opposite with its shady self, and made me very irritated (I had a bee in my bonnet if you will). Hell, I didn't even finish the thing, and that's saying something for a guy that doesn't like to waste 3 week old hummus (is that why my stomach hurt last night?). Carolina Blonde, you hustled me, and I feel violated.


Drinkability: 4/10

Taste: 3/10

Value: 5/10

Curb Appeal: 4/10

Overall: 4.0/10

Pabst Blue Ribbon

First thing's first. Put this on and turn it the heck up.

OK. Now that we have your attention, I'd like to discuss Pabst Blue Ribbon. This isn't going to be as much of a review as it will be a testimonial to how fucking perfect Pabst Blue Ribbon is in every way. Hell, even the hangover is good. I remember my first PBR like it was yesterday. It was like, the year 2000 and I snuck out to some sick ripper in the middle of no where. I cracked that first PBR, poured it into a beer bong with a Toy Machine sticker on it and the rest, as they say, was history. Rarely a week goes by when I don't enjoy some variety of Pabst, be it a bottle, can, pounder can, really big can, 40, draft, intravenous drip, whatever.

Pabst Blue Ribbon won a blue ribbon in 1893. That's all you really need to know about it's history. Milwaukee is a hellhole and the good people needed something to get blatted on to pass the time during the 10 months of winter they experience. It tastes like hard work, freedom, the misuse of fireworks, speed metal, and flannel shirts. It goes good with everything, even organized religion. It's cheap. Real cheap. But that doesn't mean it lacks in taste, curb appeal, or fun potential. Actual fact alert: A whole shit ton of PBR is sold in America without an ad campaign. They believe in the anti-advertising strategy of no print ads or commercials, and instead of pouring money into dumb ads with bitch bartenders yelling at bros wearing Ed Hardy, they pour it into social media and sponsorship of concert series and junk like that. It's pretty rad, but unfortunately leads to PBR being the beer of choice for the scourge of the earth, hipsters. And since hipster scums are always looking for something old and dumb to make cool and expensive again, they kind of are perfect for each other. Except Pabst is secretly laughing under its breath when some douche is selling pounders for 6 bucks a pop at some pool hall in Williamsburg Brooklyn cause you can get a 12 pack for 6 bucks at the bodega next door and have a hell of a lot more fun not being pretentious and smug.

I couldn't imagine a world without PBR. It would be a cold terrible place with no happiness or puppies or flowers or God. Without PBR, i never would have been kicked out of some of State College's finest establishments. Without PBR, I probably never would've been thrown through a wall in my apartment. I definitely would not have half the scars i do. I never would've seen a sorority girl intentionally burn her arm with a bike tire to stay at our party. I never would've invented the elaborate glass breaking game in my kitchen. Without PBR, Slayer wouldn't sound as good, hangovers wouldn't be as crippling, the fucking Pabst sword of 2003 would never have been forged. I'm not even sure I should score it. A beer this unreal should probably just be given a sideways 8 cause its infinity good.

Drinkability: 800/10
Taste: 343/10
Value: 100/10
Curb Appeal: 3425654277/10

Overall: Unreal. Transcends all numbers known by man.