Staropilsen Bruncvík Original Czech Lager

You know you aren't a pilsen until you are a Staropilsen. Crank this to the max!

Staropilsen, which I assume is pronounced exactly like it's spelled, hails from the Czech Republic; one of my favorite republics. It's somewhere between "Congo" and "Banana". Remember that movie? Just a friendly reminder that even Tim Curry does some regrettable things.

What can I tell you about this brewery? Answer: not much. Their website is about as useful as a hot babe in a mansion full of Orlando Bloom clones. (not useful at all). I can tell you this, they use their own barley and Saaz hops on this bastard along with soft artisan water; which makes me wonder what I've been drinking from other breweries. I don't think Schlitz uses soft artisan water.

But its a lager and it's from the Czechs. The beer has a dry European taste common for eastern Europe lagers with a crisp, floral scent. It has a light head that dissolves quickly and leaves you with a beer ready for chugging. And can you chug it? Yes you can! Yes you can!

I'll tell you two things I like about this beer. Numero uno: dirt cheap. The kinda cheap that makes you not expect beer from soft artisan water. I got this 0.51 litre beer for under two bucks which, shit, can't remember the last good thing I got for under two bucks. But they also give you a half a litre of beer ±0.01 litre; and the scientist in me likes that tolerance. Especially when it's lingering around the upper control limit!

Shits and grins aside, this beer is decent at best. I couldn't see myself crushing a zillion of these. The bottle looks cool and it has a cool name. Plus if you roll up to a ceremony rocking a Staropilsen, all the honeys be like "who dat playa?" and they'll be talking about you! You'll be the player! You player!

Drinkability: 6/10
Taste: 4/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 8/10

Overall: 5.75/10

Lakefront Brewery's Organic Belgian White Ale

Crank this and blast off sea monkeys!

Yet another beer from the pals up in Wisconsin that go by Lakefront. This is (seems like) the millionth review from them and who says we don't pick favorite. We call 'em flavorites; cuz they are usually flavorful. Four score and many years ago we blessed the interwebs with our first Lakefront review where I was thoroughly impressed and rather saucy and spit out mad knowledge. You can read about Lakefront here or say screw it and read on.

So the beer? It's a white Belgian! Not unlike many characters Jean Claude Van Damme (JCVD) has portrayed. It's got a 4.6% ABV and a light, golden haze. Crystal white head that so high you'd think a giant lived above it. Like Jack and the Beanstock. Because the beanstock was high. Right? I feel like I'm losing you fast so let's push on.

It has a wheaty flavor and a refreshing finish. The taste is complimented with orange, lemon and coriander with an oat kicker. If you hadn't noticed from the name of it it's loaded with sooooo organic malts. How "sooooo"? So "sooooo" it's 100%; which is like, the highest you can conceivably achieve in this dimension.

The scent is malty and fruity. I can't really think of anything that is malty and fruity but use your imagination for once. Like a apple caramel pop dipped in a bag of wheat. Oh? You think you can do better? I challenge you!

These are rad for crushing hard and fast and in large numbers. The wheatiness will make it hurt when you pee if you drink like 10 of them but well worth it. What do you mean it isn't sposed to make your pee hurt? I might have another problem. Nonetheless. I picked this guy up as a surprise sampler in a 12 pack which ran about 14 bones which is a pretty solid deal. It's got an IBU of 13 which is as low as you felt when you totally made out with your second cousin in a bowling alley.

This stuff is definitely solid if you are into the whole white beer craze. Stuff's solid if you aren't. Do yourself a favor and check it out Steve Brule style. For your health. And there's a damn jester on the label. A JESTER!!!!!

Drinkability: 6/10
Taste: 8/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 8/10

Overall: 6.75/10

Brewery Rinkuškiai's Dragon Lady Dopplebock Lager

Crank this shit to the max.

Do you love babes? I mean REALLY love babes? Then this beer is for you!

Brewery Rinkuškiai started up in 1991. Currently three bros, Rimantas Čygas, Petras Kalkys and Sigitas Kalkys, run the operation. Their brewery is the fifth largest brewery in Lithuania, which is the equivalent of getting the bronze metal in regional finals of a Jamaican bob sled competition. Sorta prestigious but not totally. Can also be compared to getting to second base with your hottest second cousin.

Let's talk about the elephant in the room; but don't call her an elephant; the babe. If you aren't into babes then you HAVE to be into dragons. Whether you have a history of macking on chicks or playing D&D or Magic: The Gathering you've got to have some appeal to this label. Shit. It IS one of the biggest reasons I bought this beer. She's got so many horns and a killer cod-piece and the dragon is like "I'm totally into this woman. I'm not trying to slay her. I want to be her friend and we battle together against others".  She looks like She-Ra if a 20 year old man was in charge of animating the cartoon. Heck. She-Ra was pretty hot nonetheless. I like how this babe (we'll just call her a babe) isn't all ripped and crap like a "real dragon lady". It's like a dragon lady the way you want to picture her. Have I said "dragon lady" enough in this review? I will probably say it at least one more time. Dragon lady.

So let's talk about the manatee in the room. This beer (of 16.9 fluid ounces) is 9.7% ABV and I paid $2 for it. I would have bought this if it was 5% ABV. It's like going to Shanghai and getting a full body massage for $10 and finding out you get a free happy ending; not that I know anything about that.

So I think we established that this beer looks cool as crap and is strong and is cheap. It's like the holy grail of beers. I also watched Last Crusade today; killer movie. So when you have all those positive variables it goes without saying that this is going to taste like shit. Well...you know...?

Okay, first of all to look at it you can surmise that it has like no head to it and minimal carbonation. These aren't necessarily game enders but a lot of European style beers lack these things. It's got a solid, SOLID, golden hue to it. So golden it almost looks fake. They call it a premium European Lager which really questions "what makes something a PREMIUM European lager" because if this beer is "premium" I'd hate to see "un-premium". Let me just say this beer is not horrible. It has a bittersweet aftertaste, bold, tart aroma and a flat, bitter flavor. Again, not necessarily a stretch from eastern European beer. I mean look at Lithuania's basketball team. Talented (like the label) but looked horrible (sort of like the taste).

So, to summarize, this beer is awesome on the fact that the label is just about the coolest thing since sliced bread and you can get ripped off of it for $6. The problem is that it isn't something you'd have guests over for to sample. This is sort of like you have a buddy in from out of town and you wanna talk about killer babes and you got to your local party store and you know you can stomach one of these. It's a conversation piece for sure. In fact, I know I'd get this again if I did have a visitor because, heck, who wouldn't want to drink a beer called Dragon Lady and get a little sauced after one. The thing about it is, Rinkuškiai has two other beers that are stronger than this but not nearly as provocative (don't worry, we will review those soon).

Drinkability: 4/10
Taste: 4/10
Value: 9/10
Curb Appeal: 10/10

Overall: 6.75/10

Sprecher Brewing Company's Hard Root Beer

This is our first review of a hard root beer. Any hard soda or cola in fact.

Sprecher, primarily known for their soda pops, was founded in 1985 by Randal Sprecher. One "L", what the hell? Nonetheless, he was a brewing supervisor for Pabst in the early part of his career and in 1994 had expanded it's operation to it's current location. They currently have 6 all year round beers, a beer for all four seasons and about a dozen limited, reserve and special beers (the hard root beer and hard ginger beer being two of those). They also make about seven different sodas. They actually have a thing where you can make specialized sodas with different labels if you are trying to impress your middle school sweetie pie.

I am a huge fan out their soda. Their root beer is both gnar and lee so when I saw a hard root beer from these soda jerks I was like "Shit paw, I wanna git me somma this!" I think that was actually what came out of my mouth. So I picked up a four pack for $5 at the local party store so I was like, I'm getting two drinks for the price of one and I love root beer.

So, you can imagine my disappointment when the hard root beer was about 334% worse than their regular root beer. It's almost like Randy said to this root beer guy "Forget everything you know about root beer and make this hard root beer". I haven't been this disappointed since I found out my prom date was related to me. Not that it stopped anything ;). Family reunions got a little more awkward. So yeah, it is labeled a "Fire Brewed" hard root beer and I'm fairly certain that is the only problem with this beer. Who wants a fire brewed anything?!? It's aged in bourbon barrel for a fortnight or ten and yields a 5% ABV. I mean, you can tell at first sniff that this is going to have an oaky taste, okay? I mean who the hell wants an oaky root beer? Dumbos; that's who. I mean no one, and I mean no one, gets a hard root beer when it doesn't taste like root beer. Use your head dummies. You take two good things, beer and root beer, and make something that doesn't taste like either. You got rocks for brains!?! There are plenty of hard root beers out there and I thought a gourmet root beer giant would have killed this execution. Oh, it kills...my childlike demeanor.

Never, ever in my life have I seen such a poor execution.of two good things. That's like taking tacos and pizza and making some sort of bad taco pizza, which is seemingly impossible. Because it is! Boobs and sleep? I don't know how you combine those two things but it's gotta be good.

I will say this, I have hope. And if I see Randy come out with a non fire-brewed hard root beer I WILL buy it and I promise everyone ever in the world, if that stinks, I will never ever buy any Sprecher's product ever. Not even their soda pops.

If you are looking for a hard root beer try Small Town Brewery's "Not Your Father's Root Beer" or better yet, do a shot of Fireball and sip on Frostie or some non-alcoholic root beer because I have yet to find a hard root beer that satisfies all my alcohol and soda pop needs.

Drinkability: 5/10
Taste: 3/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 4.75/10

Bell's Brewery's Midwestern Pale Ale

Crank this if your are cool.

This is another beer out of Bell's Brewery; their Midwestern Pale Ale. If you went braindead since the initial review of Bell's which is chuck-full of facts about the place click over here. There actually isn't many facts in there and I think some of that is dated, but who cares (half the shit we say isn't right anyways).

So their is Bell's take on the pale ale which has many of the same characteristics of pale ales which means they know what their doing. Shit is as smooth as an Asian drag queen's stomach after going down a Nair slip-n-slide. Now that we have that image stuck in your head; let's continue.

It's got a light tan head and the beer itself is a cloud golden hue. It has a slight sediment to it and medium carbonation. It has a wheaty aroma with strong malt scents that are confirmed at first sip. What separates this from most pale ales is the full bodied flavor. It encompasses your mouth leaving a trail of hop and bitterness that is not realized upon initial oral contact, which is one of my top ten favorite contacts. This is not to be mistaken with oral contract; one of my least favorite contractions.

It's got a booze value of 5.2% ABV so it's strong than your typical beer but a little lower than some pale ales out there. What it lacks in crazy juice it makes up for in flavor. A sixer of this will run you better than $10 but if your friends are as cool as mine, you can con them out of a couple when they bring them over for a visit.

The bottle itself has got the whole barnyard look to it which I like because I was on a total Garfield and Friends kick a while back. And I know Roy was a jerk in that but he was still the best character.

Bell's for the most part makes a rad beer and this is no different. It's heavier than your Sierra Nevada and your Coors Cutter but this is great for kicking back and taking 'er easy. If you are doing a sack race in the near future I might hold off on these until after the finals. If no sack races are in your future; drink up!

Drinkability: 7/10
Taste: 8/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 6.5/10

Arcadia Ales' Nut Brown Ale

You like arcades? Crank it and yank it sea turtles!

So I should start by saying I picked up a twelve pack of a Arcadia sampler a little bit ago and if I'm too lazy to review a beer I'll leave one of each and drink the rest and I could have sworn I reviewed something from Arcadia before, however, I did not.

Arcadia spawned in 1996 marketing themselves as a British style microbrewery which I can only assume they focus on the bitter. They use English malts, hops from out west and blah, blah, blah. There isn't a ton of information about these guys. The staff consists of a handful of folks, some taken from Victory, that are native to the midwest and New York state. They have operations Battle Creek and Kalamazoo. That might sound familiar because I'm pretty sure Bell's has operations in both cities.

First and foremost, I've sampled three of their beers, other two to follow, and I can put it as simple as this: I was wholeheartedly unimpressed. My favorite part about this beer is that I picked up a 12 bottle sampler at Walgreens for like $14 where everything else was in excess of $18. Can you taste the savings? Unfortunately, yes. Even by "English Beer" standards (which I do not give full credit to English-style beer) this is poor to near-poor. Just simple things bore me about this brewery. First of all their website is as sterile as my milkman-trusting father. Their homepage consists of a handful of people that look like corporate managers on an outing because after tasting their beer, that is the only way you are going to get people in that place; drag them in there on a corporate retreat planned by someone who clearly doesn't know shit about beer.

I will say this. The nut brown is my favorite of the three and is mildly palatable. It's 6% ABV so if you do have the misfortune of picking this up by mistake, your taste buds will be numbs after about 5 and they will all go down as fast Michael Sam's career. I SAID CAREER! The label is okay but the glue job (now I'm getting picky) just flat out sucks and their Gaelic style fonts on their neck label is boring and un-original. Would I be this picky if I liked the beer? Probably not.

So...anyway. The beer is dark with a slightly tan, shallow head which is not atypical for an English style nut brown. It leaves a bitter aftertaste which sour undertones. It has a sweet, nutty scent however I would say the taste is far from nutty, unless you mean the Nutty Professor in which case I agree because it tastes like the worst shit Eddie Murphy had ever done. Too far? Probably.

So my evaluation? I would never, ever get this again or anything by Arcadia. But that's just me. Some people may love this shit. So...this is when I would buy it if I were you. It's 4 A.M. in Chicago and somehow you got a girl (or guy) to go back you your place to listen to your friend's bullshit EP because you fancy yourself as a music snob. Wait. It'd have to be before 4 A.M. Regardless, its late. And you and your new "friend" are already pretty lit. Well, you are aware they are not going to be impressed if you pick up a rack of PBR (or maybe they would) on the way home. So you pick up something cheap and strong and not part of the mainstream beer list. After you've been drinking all night you probably won't care (and they won't either) what it tastes like and they're gonna be all like "This guy's getting a microbeer, how faaannccyy".

Long story short. You can buy this when no one can taste shit and you're trying to impress drunk people who don't know any better". I see a new slogan in their future.

Drinkability: 4/10
Taste: 4/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 5/10

Overall: 4.25/10

Ale Syndicate Brewers' Sunday Session

Crank the ever living shit out of this while you're at it you hipster scumbag!

Reviewing a "Sunday session" beer on a Saturday?!? Someone call the KGB!

This is our first review of Ale Syndicate so let's go down memory trail to...last month. In July 2014 they got their own fermentation tanks and got their own brewery in Chi-Town; on Diversity if you are in the know. Their team is made from a hodge-podge of dudes associated with Lucky Hand brewery, microbiology, and general midwest nerds/Chicago aficionados.The founders started with home brewing (no shit) kickin' it old school in Oakland. They eventually moved to Chicago and partnered up with some local brewers in Chicago before they got their own space, brewing purveyance for young and old. They went to town in February of 2014 offering their first 3 commercially available beers; Municipal IPA, Sunday Session Hopped-Up Ale and Van de Velde Belgo-American Ale along with a magnum of Omega Midnight stout. They now offer an additional beer, a saison entitled Du Sable. So if you are in the Logan Square area...don't stop in. They currently aren't accepting visitors but will probably still entertain break-ins until the cops roll in.

So this is their Sunday Session Ale. A 4.8% ABV ale; clear and highly carbonated. It's a light, mildly hoppy beer. Medium head and clean, white head. Whitehead? It has a dry scent. Not overwhelming in the slightest. It tastes light with a dry, bitter aftertaste with floral undertones. Not much of a lingering flavor. At an IBU level we're talking 23; which is relativity low. Considering they market this as a "hopped-up" ale you might feel let down if you are looking for a hoppy ale. I suppose an argument may be that for a beer this light it has a hoppier taste than some ales; but only in contrast to the low maltiness of it all.

I appreciate the no-nonsense label and the "nutrition fact-esque" beer description on the labels. It's only available in Illinois so if you are looking to try their shit out you better get your ass to Chicago. This isn't a bad beer. Their isn't too much to say about it other than its light, dry and you could probably polish off a million of them in one sitting. I got it for free when a pal brought over a sixer. He probably paid over ten bones for a sixer though.

Drinkability: 8/10
Taste: 6/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 6.5/10