Pabst Brewing Company's Old Style Light Lager

Yo yo yo! Check the mic y'all and crank this shit to the maximum decibel.

Many moons ago we reviewed the Old Style here and our friends from Pabst graced us with the presence of this: Old Style LIGHT! We never run out of STYLE!....(out of style). But if you do run out of style, go pick up some more style. Old Style. Light. This stuff is far less common can Chicago Style's Old Style. It's like the four leaf clover of Old Styles. You are pleasantly happy when you see Old Style (of a three leaf clover) and when you show your friends you've found Old Style Light (a four leafed clover) no one is impressed and this that you are overreacting. But AM I overreacting? Possibly. But its probably only because I'm stinking drunk. No one puts Old Style Light in the corner!

So let's take the good with the bad and compare it to our friend "Original Old Style".

Calories: OSL 110; OS 134
ABV: OSL 4.12; OS  4.64
Action: OSL Satisfaction; OS Satisfaction

So it's true you have to rip a handful of these down to get as drunk as a high school girl off of Zimas and Jolly Ranchers, but at $13 for 24 of these you can still get royally ripped for under $10. These sons-of-guns go down quicker than Tay Swift at a One Direction concert and are, as the name puts it, a lighter version of Old Style.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it on the Old Style review but Old Style has been sponsoring the Chicago Cubs since 1950. That makes it one of these two things.
A.) The longest sponsorship in baseball history
B.) A complete fabrication of item "A" that I heard once from a drunk guy at a bar.

Doesn't really matter cuz the beer is as good as a romantic sunset you turkey! It's good for a myriad of things; one level above plethora! You can shotgun it, you can chug it, you can sip it gently like a fine cognac, you can use it as a chaser, you can mix it with orange juice, you can give it to a girl, you can give it to your best friend, YOU CAN MAKE IT YOUR BEST FRIEND!

Listen, in a culture of highfalutin craft beers you have to respect Old Style. It's got history, it's Chicago style so you won't find it at every corner tavern like in Chicago and even buy Chicago standards, Old Style Light is relatively hard to find. I have to go to a special party store just to get it and it's worth it.

It may be true that I have a love affair with Old Style Light; not unlike JCVD, bicentennial Quarters and the 1987 Detroit Tigers, but its warranted, It's got a low profile boss can and if you roll up with a case of this and some Sweet Aromatic Backwoods to your pal's campfire, you'll be the talk of the town. You'll probably take some old broad back to her car and do some dirty dancing (if your lucky).

Drinkability: 9/10
Taste: 7/10
Value: 8/10
Curb Appeal: 9/10
Swayze Movie: "Dirty Dancing"
Overall: 8.25/10

Leinenkugel's Red Lager

Crank this homegirl as you read this freak freak.

This is another beer from Leinenkugel (not to be called Leinie's unless you are a 18 year old sorority girl or an everyday run-of-the-puppymill chump). We initial reviewed this here when we took a peep at their ever-so-famous Summer Shandy (ain't it dandy?).

I remember when I was a pup I used to rock these hard at the local watering hole. Truth me told, this shit is smoother than Slim Whitman after 6 Alabama Slammers and 3 Fuzzy Navels. How smooth is that? As smooth as a seal caught under the Exxon Valdez on an Air Hockey table on Mars. Smooth.

So Leinenkugel got bought out by SADMiller in 1988. Yes. A year after the Minnesota Twins cheated their way to the World Series cheating the, always dominant, 1987 Detroit Tigers. Kirby Puckett (RIP) refused doping tests along with pitching great Frank "Sweet Music" Viola. Since then, they've release a plethora of potable libations. Let's just say 20 to be safe. The majority of them could possibly be construed as "sissy" or "fruitastic". I cannot argue this. I also think Canoe Paddler is a load of crap. But there is a special spot in my heart that says "Oh Baby" when this hit my tastebuds.

It's got a sweet, full bodied flavor; malty and delicious. It's got a tan head on it with a bitter aftertaste. To me, it tastes like an ESB Ale (which I like) and not like a lager at all. You can get 12 of these for 11 bucks which doesn't suck or ANYTHING! It's a mouse whisker under 5% ABV and 20 IBU. They use carpil tunnel malts mixed with 3 Pale and Caramel and a little thing I like to call Mt. Hood and Cluster hops. I like to call them that because that's what they are called.

When I see this on tap I jump for it. When I see it at the foodmart I usually pick this up when someone from out of town is looking for something nice and local. They gone down fast, so fast that when your buddy goes to the fridge you'll find yourself saying "Utah, make it two!".]

Drinkability: 8/10
Taste: 8/10
Value: 7/10
Curb Appeal: 5/10
Swayze Movie: "Point Break"
Overall: 7.0/10

Lakefront Brewery's Organic Belgian White Ale

Crank this and blast off sea monkeys!

Yet another beer from the pals up in Wisconsin that go by Lakefront. This is (seems like) the millionth review from them and who says we don't pick favorite. We call 'em flavorites; cuz they are usually flavorful. Four score and many years ago we blessed the interwebs with our first Lakefront review where I was thoroughly impressed and rather saucy and spit out mad knowledge. You can read about Lakefront here or say screw it and read on.

So the beer? It's a white Belgian! Not unlike many characters Jean Claude Van Damme (JCVD) has portrayed. It's got a 4.6% ABV and a light, golden haze. Crystal white head that so high you'd think a giant lived above it. Like Jack and the Beanstock. Because the beanstock was high. Right? I feel like I'm losing you fast so let's push on.

It has a wheaty flavor and a refreshing finish. The taste is complimented with orange, lemon and coriander with an oat kicker. If you hadn't noticed from the name of it it's loaded with sooooo organic malts. How "sooooo"? So "sooooo" it's 100%; which is like, the highest you can conceivably achieve in this dimension.

The scent is malty and fruity. I can't really think of anything that is malty and fruity but use your imagination for once. Like a apple caramel pop dipped in a bag of wheat. Oh? You think you can do better? I challenge you!

These are rad for crushing hard and fast and in large numbers. The wheatiness will make it hurt when you pee if you drink like 10 of them but well worth it. What do you mean it isn't sposed to make your pee hurt? I might have another problem. Nonetheless. I picked this guy up as a surprise sampler in a 12 pack which ran about 14 bones which is a pretty solid deal. It's got an IBU of 13 which is as low as you felt when you totally made out with your second cousin in a bowling alley.

This stuff is definitely solid if you are into the whole white beer craze. Stuff's solid if you aren't. Do yourself a favor and check it out Steve Brule style. For your health. And there's a damn jester on the label. A JESTER!!!!!

Drinkability: 6/10
Taste: 8/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 8/10

Overall: 6.75/10

Sprecher Brewing Company's Hard Root Beer

This is our first review of a hard root beer. Any hard soda or cola in fact.

Sprecher, primarily known for their soda pops, was founded in 1985 by Randal Sprecher. One "L", what the hell? Nonetheless, he was a brewing supervisor for Pabst in the early part of his career and in 1994 had expanded it's operation to it's current location. They currently have 6 all year round beers, a beer for all four seasons and about a dozen limited, reserve and special beers (the hard root beer and hard ginger beer being two of those). They also make about seven different sodas. They actually have a thing where you can make specialized sodas with different labels if you are trying to impress your middle school sweetie pie.

I am a huge fan out their soda. Their root beer is both gnar and lee so when I saw a hard root beer from these soda jerks I was like "Shit paw, I wanna git me somma this!" I think that was actually what came out of my mouth. So I picked up a four pack for $5 at the local party store so I was like, I'm getting two drinks for the price of one and I love root beer.

So, you can imagine my disappointment when the hard root beer was about 334% worse than their regular root beer. It's almost like Randy said to this root beer guy "Forget everything you know about root beer and make this hard root beer". I haven't been this disappointed since I found out my prom date was related to me. Not that it stopped anything ;). Family reunions got a little more awkward. So yeah, it is labeled a "Fire Brewed" hard root beer and I'm fairly certain that is the only problem with this beer. Who wants a fire brewed anything?!? It's aged in bourbon barrel for a fortnight or ten and yields a 5% ABV. I mean, you can tell at first sniff that this is going to have an oaky taste, okay? I mean who the hell wants an oaky root beer? Dumbos; that's who. I mean no one, and I mean no one, gets a hard root beer when it doesn't taste like root beer. Use your head dummies. You take two good things, beer and root beer, and make something that doesn't taste like either. You got rocks for brains!?! There are plenty of hard root beers out there and I thought a gourmet root beer giant would have killed this execution. Oh, it kills...my childlike demeanor.

Never, ever in my life have I seen such a poor execution.of two good things. That's like taking tacos and pizza and making some sort of bad taco pizza, which is seemingly impossible. Because it is! Boobs and sleep? I don't know how you combine those two things but it's gotta be good.

I will say this, I have hope. And if I see Randy come out with a non fire-brewed hard root beer I WILL buy it and I promise everyone ever in the world, if that stinks, I will never ever buy any Sprecher's product ever. Not even their soda pops.

If you are looking for a hard root beer try Small Town Brewery's "Not Your Father's Root Beer" or better yet, do a shot of Fireball and sip on Frostie or some non-alcoholic root beer because I have yet to find a hard root beer that satisfies all my alcohol and soda pop needs.

Drinkability: 5/10
Taste: 3/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 4.75/10

Central Water's Ouisconsing Red Ale

Crank this ill shit pronto.

So this is another beer from the guys over all Central Waters. We first reviewed Central Waters here so if you wanna know more you gotta read that shit, bro.

Ouisconsing sounds like a GD word people say when they talk about, what's that called, shit, uh...shit. I looked all over the interweb and I had no idea what it's called. Google sucks! Regardless, what? Oh..the word. Algonquonese for a Milwaukee river? Or something? THE Wisconsin River. Sorry. What was the name of that dance?

So let us talk about this beer specifically; why don't we? So unless you're Ray Charles you can tell this beer has a pretty serious amber look with a pretty gnarly head on it. What is actually pretty special about this beer is that frothy head. It leads to a very smooth, malty flavor. It's more full flavored than a lot of ales out there. They must cram about fifty tons of caramel malts per bottle. That's my amateur estimate but I feel it's pretty accurate.

It's smoother than Orlando Bloom at a frat house; I mean smoooooth. I suggest this for anyone who likes a full-bodied beer or a fan of stout that isn't looking to drink their dinner in one pint. This is one of the better red ales I've had and it's as smooth as gravy without all that "gravy" taste.

The label is pretty typical of all beers they had in the pack. Not a huge fan but what the heck do it know about art. It's simple and gets to the point but when do I ever want to get to the point?

I'd definitely try this bastard again. I will say, this is way better out of a glass than the bottle. It packs a 4.8 ABV so it's of mild strength; it tastes a lot stronger. I picked this muminabatch up in a sampler pack and it ran 21 bones for 12. Mathwise I probably could have done better but well worth. As Steve Brule would say, "Check it out!".

Drinkability: 8/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 7.0/10

Lakefront Brewery's Monkey Wheat Ale

Take this bad mother up to 11!

Yet another beer from our friends at Lakefront; Milwaukee. Let me start by saying this does not taste like bananas unless you've gone bananas. For some reason I thought it might but it tastes like a wheat ale as any normal person would guess. I have had a banana bread in my day and I suppose that's why I felt it might taste like bananas; plus the monkey on the label. So it's a little "deceiving" and by "deceiving" I mean "I'm retarded".

It's got a clean, white head (like yours truly) and the foam lasts as long as a Shia LeBeouf's innocence at Elton John's birthday party. It's got a bubbly, hazy, golden look to it as any hefeweissen would. The label resembles the type of children's book. The ones that are super simple and the one's I'd use for Book-It just to get free pizza at Pizza Hut because they have a grand total of 100 words. Great. Now I want pizza.

It has a wheaty scent to the old bastard. Which makes sense since they use pale wheat malts (along with 2-row). They stick strictly to cascade hops (which I feel is a little amateur) so it's not a very complex flavor and, dare I say, a little boring. I'd stick a little fruit in it (not Shia LaBeouf). Like a lemon or orange slice. Mmm. Orange Slice. Do they still make that?

They stick about 7 IBU's in this guy. Match that with the 4.5% ABV and you're gonna need to crush 10 or so to get a decent buzz on. The beer itself is pretty easy to crush. This is good if you are a 13 year old prepubescent or a 65 year old jagbag. I feel if I had a ton of these I might get a little bored with the flavor so be sure to have plenty of fruit on hand when drinking this.

I probably wouldn't look into getting any more of these if I didn't have a lemon on hand. It's not the type of beer you'd want to bring camping or crush in a parking lot. You gotta plan way ahead and it's not dirt cheap (like I usually like) so is it worth the effort? Probably not. A decent beer but given how lazy I've become this will mostly stay on the back burner and I'd stick with Bridge Burner or something along those lines from Lakefront.

Drinkability: 8/10
Taste: 6/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 5/10

Overall: 6.0/10

Central Water's Glacial Trail India Pale Ale

Jam this to the highest of volumes.

So if you know anything about anything you know we initially review Central Waters here so if you want to remind yourself their story (like I just did) just click on it. If you don't wanna learn jackcrap and live in your brother-in-law's basement your whole time just keep reading like some sorta turkey.

So this is their IPA, right? It's got a nice look to it, don't you think? They got the Industrial Design dropout label and the "we brew this in our basement" bottle cap. I do like the label though; the majority of their labels have similar designs. They've gone through a few labels in their history and I guess this season is their minimalist season; cuz who isn't into that shit these days? I picked up a 12 back sampler for $20.99. Not horrible for such a small brewery.

The beer itself has a nice amber color to it; complimented with a nice tan head. The beer is cloudy as you would expect. It looks just as good in a glass as it does in your stomach; or on your drunk friends white shirt.

It has a piney, hoppy aroma. Sweet undertones tickle the olfactory bulbs. Yeah, I went there.

It has a relatively malty taste. The aftertaste leaves a dry finish on the filiform papallae which any jerk can tell you is reserved for sweet flavors. Am I saying this beer is sweet? You're darn tootin'! It has a heavy consistency that I certainly enjoy. They only way you will win a long jump competition after drinking three of these is if you have a talented gift to levitating because these bastards will drag you down faster than your one friend who you never want to hang out with, but then you ignored their call the last three times they called and you feel obligated to answer their calls. You realize that once you hang out you aren't going to have fun and you impatiently keep looking at you phone at the time praying for someone else to call you with an emergency to get out of this situation. "Sorry buddy, Terry just called and I have to help 'em with putting IKEA furniture together; shit!"

This is a great beer for anyone who might like a mild IPA (only 68 IBUs) and anyone who might enjoy a full, hoppy beer. It's heavy so you aren't going to slug 1 million of these but, hell, you can still try. They have an ABV of 5.5% but you would think it higher after a sip or two. I'd get this again, especially out of a tap. It's great out of the bottle and if I came across this at some sort of BBQ in a cooler I'd prolly grab one and try to impress people with my knowledge of it. Then I'd get too drunk and make a royal ass out of myself. Not bragging; just foreseeing the future.

Drinkability: 5/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 6.25/10

Lakefront Brewery's Fuel Cafe Organic Coffee Stout

Rip it sister Hazel!

Yet another beverage from our friends at Lakefront. We first reviewed them here so if you want to learn anything, read that. If you want to read a load of crap, read that and the contents below.

Now, it's common knowledge that I have a man-crush on this brewery; that's evident. It rivals some of my other man-crushes a la Kevin Bacon in Footloose and Christian Slater in anything he's ever done. It's also common knowledge that I like stouts (truth be told I like just about any beer) so this should be a grade A Dominique Wilkins; Two Handed Slam over Joe Dumars' puny frame. Spoiler...it is.

This cleverly disguised can of motor oil, when not used to blind bats' sonar, emits a dark, short head representative of a fine stout. I can safely say, this stuff blocks light completely. So if you are a total wuss or in a situation where you need light to go through your beer, like some science project or something, I'd steer clear. The label is relatively simple; you got some sort of percolator or some shit on there (because its brewed with coffee, you numbskull) and it's got that USDA seal of Organiticity (which makes any scrub look like a total baller; which everyone can enjoy). Where's the coffee come from? How the crap should I know? What am I some sort of coffee king of Tibet? Grow up.

It has a sweet, bold aroma. The deep scent signals to your dang brain it's gonna be a thick, malty brew; which it is. They got malt galore in there (2-row, Caramel, Crystal, Roasted Barley, Chocolate and Black). All those malts are organic as your ex-girlfriend's vegan casserole that taste's like a damn boot that washed up in Jersey. They use Perle hops (Yes, also Organic) and all this stuff in a boiling pot will get you about 18 IBU's and 6.4% ABV. It doesn't take a Buster Poindexter fan you know that a few of these will rip you a new one.

Of course this beer is delicious. It's a full flavored, rich coffee stout. It's quite similar to their Bridge Burner (which we reviewed here) but 10 times more organic. So organic your stomach won't believe it. It's pretty thick and will lay a nice coat of "delicious" in your mouth and a nice coat of "beer fat" around your cute little love handles. You better pick some up before spring or, dare I say, summer hits or you'll be dead. No question. This is a winter beer and you better embrace it, pal!

Drinkability: 6/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 5/10

Overall: 6.25/10

MillerCoors Brewing Company's Miller Lite Lager

Shit.

This was supposed to be an easy beer review because OBVIOUSLY we must have reviewed Miller or Coors or probably both in the past. Nope. So here's some cliff notes because if you are anything like me, you do not have the patience to read through the history of one of the largest brew suppliers of the third planet.

So it isn't like we have reviewed some of the purveyances of this macrobrewery. We've reviewed Red Dog, Blue Moon (after investigation we actually haven't), Coors Light, Tyskie, Leinkugel...I mean, these guys own the majority of the Western world as you know it. Regardless, nothing was mentioned in any of those reviews about the brewery. Breweries? Whatever.

So here's the skinny. Fred Miller made Miller in 1855 in Milwaukee (the good land). This other dude, Adoph Coors opened Coors in Golden Colorado in 1873 (then modestly called Golden Brewing Company). High Life was born in 1903 which meant everyone got bombed for cheap and woke up with wicked, bad hangovers for the first time. In 1970 Philip Morris (Yes, that Philip Morris) buys Miller because what doesn't go better with beers than a few filthy smokes? Miller Lite is invented in 1975; Coors Light in 1978. With popular college demand to get drunker faster and have a worse hangover than High Life Milwaukee's Best was invented in 1984 per Orwell's prediction. MGD comes around in '86. Miller buys Leinkugel in '88. Keystone sleezes into the world in '89 which makes thousands of homeless cheer. Red Dog and Icehouse are brought in five years later which encourages even more homeless cheering. SAB (South African Breweries) buys Miller in 2002 (which I'm not even going to investigate; just take my word. Coors merges with Molson in 2005; joint venture with Miller in '08. I hope you are keeping track of all of this; you might need a beer to calm yourself. Sooooo. In 2010 they all get into the craft beer market (which I am still against). And that gets us to today; I think. I am fortunate I drink during my reviews.

So where does that put us? Well let's start at the start. The can. I love most throwback stuff like most people with the exception of the Pittsburgh Steelers jerseys. I like this because it reminds me of a time when drinking beer was fun and not a necessity. Remember those days? A day when your damn nagging wife didn't bother you to clean the bathroom every GD weekend. I mean, if she's the one bothered by it, shouldn't SHE clean it? Am I right? So in this particular case, the can is great. I don't get into the Pilsner Bottle, the damn Vortex neck. The punch top. Gentlemen. I ask you. Can we just get back to the business of slamming beers the old fashioned way (ie. any means possible). When you take the fun out of absolute chugging, shotgunning, beer bongs, you are KILLING AMERICA! Grow up!

This stuff looks as clean as the driven snow. Almost too clear. Almost can't trust it. You know what they said, if you are trying to hide something, put it in clear sight.

What's this stuff smell like? Well, c'mon. Smells like Lite Beer; water mixed with a little barley. It's not gonna lure some babe from across the room like some Whore Lure (eg. Axe) but it doesn't smell like the rail car I was on last night. I mean, what died in there? There was a hobo slamming a pint of liquor on there so I guess I could be assumed he was covered in piss and shit. (apologies to any homeless reading this). I assume he stunk. If not he was blind-stinking drunk. Man, was I jealous. I'm still jealous. And no amount of Miller Lite will be me to that hobo's level.

Which brings us to taste. Miller Lite is classic for getting beat for tasting like piss, water, etc. Now, haters gonna hate; that's just what they do. Takes one to know one. But you really have to look at this beer and say "What can this beer do for me?". Am I gonna go out and impress my friends with a 30-rack of Miller Lite? Only my 16-year old friends. But don't look this gift horse in the mouth. When you "need" to slam 20 beers in a night; Miller Lite is there for you. Playing a intense drinking game; such as Drinking RBI Baseball, Drinking Back to the Future, or whatever. Miller Lite is there for you. If you need to outrun the cops, scale a fence, tail gating, or need to drink for 14 hours straight. Miller Lite is there. Need to take a piss 20 times in one day. Miller Lite is there.

At the end of the day, this stuff is cheap, weak (4.2% ABV), men can drink it, girls can drink it, kids can drink it. Dogs drink this. It's the duct tape of beer. I'll drink this in the morning, afternoon or evening. Before, after or during work. It's good anytime for anything. I can drink 100 of these and do a million cartwheels and push-ups.

Is it a special beer? No. Is it going to impress anyone? No. But I feel, deep down in my heart, this beer can be used anytime, anywhere by anyone and is available everywhere. If someone would pass up a free Miller Lite, that's the type of person I don't want to hang out with.

Drinkability: 10/10
Taste: 6/10
Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 4/10

Overall: 6.5/10

Lakefront Brewery's Riverwest Stein Amber Lager

Crank it and yank it sea monkeys.

One million reviews ago we first reviewed Lakefront here and packed that review full of facts, Jack. Subsequent reviews are full of gross exaggerations and some bold faced lies laced with strong opinions and a little innocent flirting and ass-grabbing; and this will be no different.

This is their Amber Lager. Caramel, Two Row and Malted Barley malts mixed with Zeus, Willamette and Cascade hops yields their flagship brew. It hits the scales at 5.6% ABV (respectable) and around 15 IBUs (equally respectable). So why the long face sailor? Well, my friend, we will get to that.

It has a very pleasant, sweet aroma. Hints or a strong barley scent will make you say, "Hey man, what do you got in there?". You start the ol' son of a bitch down the hatch like the night you think you are just about get get eliminated on the Bachelor and, shockingly, the taste leaves something to be desired.  To their credit, it has a malty, full bodied taste but it really has an odd flavor. It credits a floral character due to the yeast and for whatever reason I cannot get past it; it tastes like drinking a heavy, dark German beer which completely is not my steeze.  The taste, itself, works the entire tongue and gives you a full flavor, but is not the flavor you want in your mouth in my opinion. I mean have you ever put anything in your mouth and instantly regretted it? But then, you knew you had to keep it in your mouth until the whole thing is over because you already started and it'd be sort of rude to stop in the middle of it? Right?

It isn't the worst beer in the world, but like I said, it just tastes like they mixed a German beer and an amber ale together and - voila - this happened. I love Lakefront and it pains me to give them a bad review but if someone bought me a pint of this I'd kick their teeth out in disgust.

I don't even like the label and, in my defense, i didn't like the label before I tried the beer. It looks like a logo for a Chinese fast food chain. All around, I am not impressed with this beer at all and it's a shame. A cryin' shame.

Drinkability: 4/10
Taste: 3/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 3/10

Overall: 3.5/10

Lakefront Brewery's India Pale Ale

Of all the lazy! These guys didn't even come up with a clever name or nothing for this. They didn't name it after their dogs growing up or some inside joke that we'd never understand or care about; just "IPA". Real cool slackers.

So you might as well jack this shit hard cuz that's about all the excitement you gonna get!

This is yet another beer from Milwaukee's Lakefront Brewery. We initially reviewed them here so if you want to get your learn on, by all means. If you don't want to then don't. I mean they're from Milwaukee; do you need to know anything else, you turkey?

This beer is real cloudy with an orange hue; looks more like a hefeweissen than an IPA but certainly doesn't taste like a hefeweissen. The label is "eh". There's a "more than creepy" eyeball judging while you drink. It's like your dad staring at you saying "you really need another one, son?" and then you just get more nervous and end up drinking even more. They roll deep at a 6.6% ABV (which isn't "your dad's beer") and after six of them you start seeing three eyes.

This beer is in their normal line-up but I got it as part of their variety pack. 12 beers for $20.99 (plus tax). It isn't a "steal of the week" but for as much I want to get in bed with Lakefront, I knew I wouldn't be disappointed. And, baby, I ain't disappointed.

They use two main types of hops for this 42 IBU wonder, Cascade and Chinook (with a dash of citrus hops to reduce your chances of scurvy & some Zeus for all the Greeks out there). The most noticeable thing you will notice is that this is a far maltier IPA than most. The use 2-row and a couple caramel malts which will just about do the trick there.  It has a subtle hop flavor and a dry finish so it should appease most crowds as long as they don't mind hops. It's full bodied so don't get on the parallel bars after crushing 12 of these or you'll totally ralph all over everyone.

It has a blase aroma; mild citrus and hoppy undertones. It's deceiving that such a full bodied tasty beer has a relatively insignificant scent. The good news is that if you are all hopped up on juice boxes and black tar heroin you won't even care (or if you are dead sober).

This is a great beer for any hops aficionado or someone who is just trying to stay warm in the winter with a thick, malty beer. If you see this I highly suggest you give it a crack. It isn't as floral as some IPAs and is a great beer if you are 1 or 101. It's a shame they clearly fired their marketing director when this beer came online because this star should shine like Elijah Wood's eye after I run into him in a dark alley after a long of of tacking on 10 of this dirty bastards. I can't remember why I don't like that guy but I'm sure I have some reason.

Drinkability: 7/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 4/10

Overall: 6.0/10

Central Water's Brewhouse Coffee Stout

Picture this you nimrod: You're walking aimlessly in northern Wisconsin in the winter. It's dark out and hella cold. The snow is coming on thick and you think you'll never make it to "where ever the hell you're going" and all you have is your wit and a brown sack. In your mind, this song is on repeat and you are pretty sure you are losing it, and losing it fast. You split your sack open and pull out a double deuce of this yea out. You wedge the cap of with a stick you found next to that fence and in your last hours you slug this down with no fear. Then a pick-up truck beams its lights down the road and as much as you hate Wisconsin-folk this guy is a real gem and drops you off at the party you were headed to. The party was awesome and you tell that story and everyone thinks you are a real mountain man. Did I mention there are mountains? There's mountains.

Central Waters is a brewery in Amhurst, Wisconsin (originally in Junction City, WI). It started in 1996 by these two dudes (Mike McElwain and Jerry Ebel) in an old Model A factory. They hired local jag Paul "Moonlight" Graham as their head brewer. Three years later the company tanked and was sold to Clint Schultz and with Moonlight, they got imperial on everyone's ass and that's when the brewery really tool off (in 1999).

In 2001 they moved to Amhurst. Five years after that Schultz said adios and Moonlight and his pal Anello Mollica took the reigns; following all this? They currently have 18 beers in their rotation. It is said that the original brewers, McElwain and Ebel, are now pumping gas in Jersey.

These guys are all about solar energy and use photo cells to ensure lighting is not wasted (unlike you after slugging a few of these down). Long story short. Energy conservation and smaller carbon footprint. Sounds more like California than Wisconsin.

I mentioned beer; remember beers? They got 7 in their normal rotation, 4 for their seasonals, 8 in their reserve series (like this one) and another three in the cellar sessions (which requires your left arm and your first born to receive). Worth it by the way.

This is their Brewhouse Coffee Stout. Emy J is responsible for the coffee and Moonlight and his pal are responsible for the rest. As the picture suggests, this has a dark tan head and is darker than Tony Goldwyn's soul. Don't get that reference? Have you ever seen Ghost ingrate? Demi Moore was pretty hot in that movie. And the Swayze. But when isn't he a looker. (RIP).

So how does this taste? Like the aforementioned story suggests; this stuff is thick, heavy and ready for your mouth (like your high school prom date). It has a sweet scent (unlike your prom date) with some chocolatey hints and coffee overtones.  It's quite sweet and malty. Thick, creamy and smooth. There isn't much head to it which might deter some people but trust me, this is a very nice, full bodied stout.

So flavor? Yeah. Solid. So that prolly means its more expensive than a Danish Hooker, right? P'Shaw mudderflutter! I picked this up for under $6 for a double deuce so this has a lot going for it. So here's the catch, probably not very strong. Well listen up Hercules, if you think 8.2% ABV is weak then go back to Hades with Sir Loins-A-Lot and benchpress school buses.

You aren't going to be able to slug a million of these before the 100m hurdles, however, for a stout these are quite potable. I wish totally get this again and I think anyone who doesn't is downright silly in the head. I don't like to be negative, but it's the truth. Cheap, delicious, strong. This is Wisconsin (the good parts) stuffed in a bottle. Really, REALLY good stout. Oh-Em-Gee.

Drinkability: 9/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 7/10
Curb Appeal: 8/10

Overall: 8.25/10

Lakefront Brewery's Bridge Burner Special Reserve Ale

Here's another beer from Lakefront Brewery. We initially reviewed them here so if you wanna know more jack about them, go take a Gander Mountain there.

This beer already has two good things going for it; it's from Lakefront and its a Special Reserve Ale and anyone know knows anything know I like special shit. How special is this shit? Answer: not special at all. It's a year round libation that any jerk can get in Illinois or Wisconsin. So you could imagine my disappointment when I found out how un-special my special beer was. Their marketing group gets a tip of the hat because they totally got me; hook, line and sinker.

So what else can we say about this special ale other than it isn't special? Well, name aside there are some pretty remarkable things about this beer. Notably it has a 8.5% ABV which means it can take the paint off your car. And if "special" means you won't remember your night after a 6-pack then I stand corrected.

So clearly, you can see this beer is dark and has a fairly large, tan head. It's pretty thick and oaktrees your glass, which is great when you want to count how many sips you've been taking.

Oaktree Effect

It has a sweet scent which is totally representative to its taste. So that being said, it has a sweet taste. Duh. It has a full bodied, malty taste. It's smooth, thick and delicious. It has a little bitterness to it and has around 38 IBUs. They use two row, caramel, aromatic and chocolate malts and zeus, cascade, willamette and centennial hops. I hope you are taking notes so you can brew your own. But this stuff is so good that you can cough up the $5.50 to buy a double deuce you G.D. cheapskate.

This is a dandy beer for malty beer lovers and IPA fans; a real crowd pleaser. Babes may not dig it and request a Zima with a Jolly Rancher instead but that's cool; more for you. You may not be able to shove a million of these down your throat but I'll be dipped if this isn't a real tasty brew. I would totally get it again and see if I can pass out after three if I drink them real fast. Ah. The glorification of alcohol.

Drinkability: 7/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 7/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 7.5/10

Lakefront Brewery's Eastside Dark Lager

Crack it Jack!

Eastside, southside? Same G.D. difference.

So this is another beer from Lakefront Brewery. You might remember us drooling over their Fixed Gear here; so if you need any information on the brewery click on that crap! And unlike that review, I will not bring up the 1987 Detroit Tigers.

So the first thing to note is that this is a dark LAGER; so it isn't going to be as malty as a carton of Whoppers or anything. In fact you might see some similarities to this or this. Oh that last "this" didn't have a hyperlink? That because it was supposed to direct you to Sessions Dark Lager, which we've drank and recently discovered, we never reviewed. But it would be in that category.

So let's get down to business; shall we?  This guy here, well, as mentioned before, it isn't malty like a stout or porter, but surprisingly crisp in traditional lager taste. So if you are going for a thick, malty beverage this is not the booze for you. For a dark lager this is a fine beer though; however, I find that audience somewhat limited.

It's got a solid dark, rich flavor as as you slosh it in your gullet, you'll find a malty, foamy, chocolately, bittersweet goodness. One the whole, however, in typical lager fashion, this beer is relatively flat and loses its off-white head in a matter of minutes, again, representative of lagers.

Is got a bittersweet chocolate aroma which is deceiving to the crisp, clear taste it provides. You could slam a bunch of these real fast, but soon find out it leaves a bitter, dry taste in your mouth. I'm not suggesting to chug the ever-living crap out of these..but at 5.6% ABV it couldn't hurt.

As far as dark lagers this brute is right in line with anyone in the market; which only strengthens my opinion of Lakefront. It is a good after dinner beverage. It doesn't fill you up and it leaves a pleasant taste in your mouth that only ten handful of Fritos can eliminate.

I wouldn't necessarily order this again only because dark lager aren't my steeze. But it is quite pleasant. I;d drink this before a stout or porter after a large bbq'ed dinner for a rich, malty treat. But typically, I might run to another variety of beer in that occasion. If I was in the situation of getting a dark lager, it would be on the top of my list given that it wast about $11 a 6er.

Drinkability: 7/10
Taste: 7/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 6.25/10

Lakefront Brewery's Fixed Gear Red Ale

I don't normally like to praise anything but this beer is fargin' good.

Lakefront Brewery is a brewery located in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and is living proof that cheese curds aren't the only thing good to come out of that place. They fired up the brews in 1987, which may ring a bell as the year those dirtbags from Minnesota stole the American league title from the renown Detroit Tigers. But these guys pump out almost 18,000 barrels a year and have about twenty recipes to their repertoire.

It was started when Jim and Russ Klisch were all about brewing some beer. Jim had some legitimate interest given the background of their family, as many members owned taverns.

Lakefront prides themselves on their ingenuity. They claim to be the first brewery to use fruit in their beer (1992 - Lakefront Cherry Beer). They also claim to be the makers of the first organically certified beer (1996 - Lakefront Organic ESB), though as I'm sure the avid readers remember, Eel River Brewery claimed to be the first organic brewery (1994). So someones not certified or someones a liar. Either way, I'm happy. Finally, these turkeys changed the governments definition of what beer is; talk about innovation. Due to gluten intolerant assholes (no offense), they wanted their New Grist "beer" to be New Grist beer. As everyone knows, beer is technically made of 25% malted barley. Well their New Grist contains hops, water, rice, sorghum and gluten free yeast (grown on molasses, obviously).

The brewery itself has won more award than I can shake a stick at, so why the heck would I list them all? If you care about awards and jazz, go look it up yourself! I will say this, Fixed Gear Red Ale hasn't won jack and is delicious, so one can only assume I'll continue trying their stuff!

Their Fixed Gear is delicious though. As the self proclaimed poet Jeremy Pettis once said "This is my girlfriend's favorite beer." Well, I'm a dude and I like it too. A total dude! This beer has a pretty solid amber color and pretty cloudy. I like cloudy ales because that using tells me if got some strong flavor and stronger than babe the blue ox; this bastard does not disappoint. Its got a heavy drink to it and a dry finish. It tastes hoppier than its 34 IBUs would suggest. It pours a decent sized, cream head and really tickles the old tastebuds.

I paid $5.50 for a glass but 6 packs cost about $9.00, so at 6.5% ABV you are certainly getting your moneys worth but is, by no means, the steal of the century. The label ranges somewhere between "cool" and "pretty neat" and if you like bicycles and beer, this might be right up your alley. The use 2-row and dark caramel malts with Chinook and Cascade hops. The recipe is similar to the Sierra Nevada Big Foot Ale, so if you like that, you'll love this! If I saw this at a bar, I would definitely get it again. $5.50 is steep but worth it. If you pass up a 6-pack at the store, you're a total doofus.


Drinkability: 7/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 8/10

Overall: 7.3/10