Wild Onion Brewery's Pumpkin Ale

If you wanna look cool in front of your friends; crank the crap out of this!

So it's been as while since the last review but most importantly we are back in the wake of October to review everyone least favorite beers...Pumpkin beers.

I consider myself s bit of a connoisseur when it comes to pumpkin beers as drinking beers of all types is my job (which every alcoholic says). I've may have had a couple dozen in my day and, ultimately, my opinion tends to favor the guidance of Jay Sherman, "It Stinks!".

Pumpkins beers are as American as apple pie shots. Foreigners don't understand it and it's a huge marketing scam. Like pumpkin flavored anything was ever a good idea. Pumpkin pie is barely tolerable. Nonetheless, like getting into the Christmas spirit, I've jumped in with both feet into pumpkins beers and it will be a gut-wrenching month.

Nonetheless, let's continue.

Wild Onion Brewery, huh? Even if you are from northern Illinois this is not a brewery common to any Illini. They are "proud to be one of Chicagoland's first craft breweries" which is as special as my mom says I am. They make about a dozen beers which are as common as to run across as slender sorority sister; uncommon. They've been in the business since 1996. They chose the name due to the Potowami Indian's title "Chicago" which can be generalized as translating to "festooned with onions". They continue to grow and their shit can be found in 5 states in the midwest. I've never had any of their stuff before and, truth be told, just heard of them briefly before coming across this beer.

So let's talk about this beer, shall we? As the picture shows, it has a head smaller than Taylor Swift's and a dark, brown color. It has lightly less carbonation than your traditional ale as as cloudy as my sophomore year of college. It has a bittersweet scent and with a malty undertone. It has a half bodied taste that grabs onto the side of your tongue and leaves your mouth with a dry, better finish. The taste has traces of pumpkin and nutmeg but lacks in the sweet category, much like yours truly. It has an IBU of 21 and a ABV of 5.4% which is better than some of the crap out there.

Verdict? Well. I wouldn't get this again. No disrespect but it need a more full bodied flavor when drinking a pumpkin beer. Call me undeniably patriotic but I'm an American that feels that a couple of pumpkin beers should substitute a meal and I'm not getting it from this guy. I'd say the flavor its better than half the pumpkin beers out there but not enough to subject myself to another 6-pack of these guys (which I paid $9.99 for). Would I get it before something from Sam Adams or New Holland? Uh, yeah...? I'm not a n00b. Let's put it this way, if I was rolling in my 64 to a 'tay and stopped by the party store and saw this and some other crap. I'd get this because dummies don't know good pumpkin beers if it bit them on the nose. Also, because there really aren't any good ones. This one is better than average but leaves something to be desired.

Drinkability: 7/10
Taste: 6/10
Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10
Would I rather eat pumpkin pie: Yes

Overall: 6.25/10

Breckenridge Brewery's Vanilla Porter

Breckenridge is back again.

Actually, this is our first review of Breckenridge Brewery. I feel I've drinken (drunk? drank?) a zillion of their beers in my old age and it's only now that I review it? Well, quite frankly, I'm more surprised than you.

So Breckenridge started up in Colorado by a knightly man, Dick Squire; which coincidentally has the same name as the coolest guitar I've ever heard of. Picture this, some dude started a brewery in 1990 in Breckenridge. Not a glamorous story but probably the most factual thing you'll read on here. It expanded in '92 and 24 years later can be found in over half the states in America and are at a 62,000 barrel a year capacity. And that's good enough to get the attention of Anheuser and his friend, Busch, who recently purchased the micro (turned macro brew). I hate those guys. Don't have a reason but I suppose that unfortunately makes me a bigot and, let's face it, after a couple of these, that won't bother me any more.

Moving on. They make 28 beers over there (until A-B moves them to NYC; home of the worst worst salsa). Six of these beers are around all year round and the rest, believe it or not, aren't. Go figure. This beer, the Vanilla Porter, IS available all year. When it comes to beers, Vanilla Porter are as unique as a philly cheesesteak truck in the City of Brotherly Love. That means they are a dime a dozen but that no reason to not like them. Who likes unique beers beer anyway? Not A-B!

This beer is darker than Darth Vader's doodie hole in a cavern in on Pluto and smells twice as nice. It's also got a tan, thick head (like my ex-wife). The scent (other than the Pluto thing) is a chocolatey, sweet aroma. The taste is a thick, full bodied flavor, with strong chocolate and nutty undertone. The 5.0% ABV printed on the label contradicts the website's 5.4% proclamation. It's a proclamation abomination! I trust anything I find on a bottle (or at the bottom of) so I'm sticking with 5.0 unless Dick Squire's ghost shows up and tell me different. Also, I think he's still alive.

Well, let's face it, Breckenridge has sold itself to A-B so it's stock is going to drop faster than Beiber's drawers at a Hunger Games premiere. If you hang out at a local gathering looking for mad props from the honeys and homies rollin' up hard and strong with a sixer of this (which you can get for a 10 spot) bitches be like, "whaa" and the homies, well friend, you tell me what the homies say. Hint: they don't "play" that.

Drinkability: 7/10
Taste: 8/10
Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 5/10

Overall: 6.5/10

Pabst Brewing Company's Old Style Light Lager

Yo yo yo! Check the mic y'all and crank this shit to the maximum decibel.

Many moons ago we reviewed the Old Style here and our friends from Pabst graced us with the presence of this: Old Style LIGHT! We never run out of STYLE!....(out of style). But if you do run out of style, go pick up some more style. Old Style. Light. This stuff is far less common can Chicago Style's Old Style. It's like the four leaf clover of Old Styles. You are pleasantly happy when you see Old Style (of a three leaf clover) and when you show your friends you've found Old Style Light (a four leafed clover) no one is impressed and this that you are overreacting. But AM I overreacting? Possibly. But its probably only because I'm stinking drunk. No one puts Old Style Light in the corner!

So let's take the good with the bad and compare it to our friend "Original Old Style".

Calories: OSL 110; OS 134
ABV: OSL 4.12; OS  4.64
Action: OSL Satisfaction; OS Satisfaction

So it's true you have to rip a handful of these down to get as drunk as a high school girl off of Zimas and Jolly Ranchers, but at $13 for 24 of these you can still get royally ripped for under $10. These sons-of-guns go down quicker than Tay Swift at a One Direction concert and are, as the name puts it, a lighter version of Old Style.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it on the Old Style review but Old Style has been sponsoring the Chicago Cubs since 1950. That makes it one of these two things.
A.) The longest sponsorship in baseball history
B.) A complete fabrication of item "A" that I heard once from a drunk guy at a bar.

Doesn't really matter cuz the beer is as good as a romantic sunset you turkey! It's good for a myriad of things; one level above plethora! You can shotgun it, you can chug it, you can sip it gently like a fine cognac, you can use it as a chaser, you can mix it with orange juice, you can give it to a girl, you can give it to your best friend, YOU CAN MAKE IT YOUR BEST FRIEND!

Listen, in a culture of highfalutin craft beers you have to respect Old Style. It's got history, it's Chicago style so you won't find it at every corner tavern like in Chicago and even buy Chicago standards, Old Style Light is relatively hard to find. I have to go to a special party store just to get it and it's worth it.

It may be true that I have a love affair with Old Style Light; not unlike JCVD, bicentennial Quarters and the 1987 Detroit Tigers, but its warranted, It's got a low profile boss can and if you roll up with a case of this and some Sweet Aromatic Backwoods to your pal's campfire, you'll be the talk of the town. You'll probably take some old broad back to her car and do some dirty dancing (if your lucky).

Drinkability: 9/10
Taste: 7/10
Value: 8/10
Curb Appeal: 9/10
Swayze Movie: "Dirty Dancing"
Overall: 8.25/10

Leinenkugel's Red Lager

Crank this homegirl as you read this freak freak.

This is another beer from Leinenkugel (not to be called Leinie's unless you are a 18 year old sorority girl or an everyday run-of-the-puppymill chump). We initial reviewed this here when we took a peep at their ever-so-famous Summer Shandy (ain't it dandy?).

I remember when I was a pup I used to rock these hard at the local watering hole. Truth me told, this shit is smoother than Slim Whitman after 6 Alabama Slammers and 3 Fuzzy Navels. How smooth is that? As smooth as a seal caught under the Exxon Valdez on an Air Hockey table on Mars. Smooth.

So Leinenkugel got bought out by SADMiller in 1988. Yes. A year after the Minnesota Twins cheated their way to the World Series cheating the, always dominant, 1987 Detroit Tigers. Kirby Puckett (RIP) refused doping tests along with pitching great Frank "Sweet Music" Viola. Since then, they've release a plethora of potable libations. Let's just say 20 to be safe. The majority of them could possibly be construed as "sissy" or "fruitastic". I cannot argue this. I also think Canoe Paddler is a load of crap. But there is a special spot in my heart that says "Oh Baby" when this hit my tastebuds.

It's got a sweet, full bodied flavor; malty and delicious. It's got a tan head on it with a bitter aftertaste. To me, it tastes like an ESB Ale (which I like) and not like a lager at all. You can get 12 of these for 11 bucks which doesn't suck or ANYTHING! It's a mouse whisker under 5% ABV and 20 IBU. They use carpil tunnel malts mixed with 3 Pale and Caramel and a little thing I like to call Mt. Hood and Cluster hops. I like to call them that because that's what they are called.

When I see this on tap I jump for it. When I see it at the foodmart I usually pick this up when someone from out of town is looking for something nice and local. They gone down fast, so fast that when your buddy goes to the fridge you'll find yourself saying "Utah, make it two!".]

Drinkability: 8/10
Taste: 8/10
Value: 7/10
Curb Appeal: 5/10
Swayze Movie: "Point Break"
Overall: 7.0/10

Deschutes Brewery's Red Chair Northwest Pale Ale

Jack it up and pack it up snowbunnies!

Remember four score and seven years ago I talked about how it was weird we didn't ever review Descutes beers and continued to NOT review then. Well, that one is on me. I don't have a good excuse other than, I just am lazy. These guys continue to brew plenty of good beers, even after Larry Sidor left them. I actually secretly had this as a point of contention. however, is it like me to hold a grudge. Yes, but that's borderline irrelevant.

Me? Huge fan of Cinder Cone. I remember I had it for the first time and crapped a load in a good way. This, Red Chair, was supposed to be their replacement to it. Cinder Cone was superior in my opinion and even if they modeled a better replacement for it, I still always tell people that this is their replacement, which, may not be accurate anymore, but since when has this site been accurate?

You got your cascade, munich, craphills (carapils), pilsner, and pale malts twisted with a cascade and centennial hop or two, which it with some water and yeast and blammo, Red Chair. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. This stuff yields a 6.2% ABV and a 60 IBU. Even a baby could taste the pale ale bitter, floral tastes from the cascade hops. Well, let's just summarize this as follows: You know a regular pale ale? Well, picture that with a touch more bitters and a more full bodies taste. I mean you put enough malts in anything and it'll toss your tastebuds for a ride. Then your tastebuds will be YOUR buds. Then it's "on".

It has a bittersweet, floral scent and leaves a solid oak tree effect on your glass. More carbonated than your typical pale ale, the full bodied flavor masks the carbonation for a solid, fullbodied taste.

In short, I'd love to shoot this down as an inferior replacement to Cinder Cone, and it is! However, that being said, still a damn fine beer. You can find this sucker at your local party store in the Winter and early Spring and, shit, regardless of what they say, I find this whenever I goddang want.

I paid about $10 for a sixer of this which is pretty average. If you roll up with this and a Philly blunt to a John Mayer concert, by default you will be the coolest cat in the henhouse. Just don't tell anyone you went to a John Mayer concert. Is he still around? I hope not. What a toolshed!

Beer gets it's name from a ski lift. Not too entirely important but some BS fact for you and your frat buddies.

Oh, I forgot. So for the month of December we are adding a new category with will be irrelevant to the score for for the beer. We will suggest the best Patrick Swayze movie to drink this beer to. Me and my pal came up with that after one too many brunch brews.

Drinkability: 7/10
Taste: 8/10
Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 5/10
Swayze Movie: "Christmas in Wonderland" feat. Chris Kattan

Overall: 6.5/10

Lakefront Brewery's Organic Belgian White Ale

Crank this and blast off sea monkeys!

Yet another beer from the pals up in Wisconsin that go by Lakefront. This is (seems like) the millionth review from them and who says we don't pick favorite. We call 'em flavorites; cuz they are usually flavorful. Four score and many years ago we blessed the interwebs with our first Lakefront review where I was thoroughly impressed and rather saucy and spit out mad knowledge. You can read about Lakefront here or say screw it and read on.

So the beer? It's a white Belgian! Not unlike many characters Jean Claude Van Damme (JCVD) has portrayed. It's got a 4.6% ABV and a light, golden haze. Crystal white head that so high you'd think a giant lived above it. Like Jack and the Beanstock. Because the beanstock was high. Right? I feel like I'm losing you fast so let's push on.

It has a wheaty flavor and a refreshing finish. The taste is complimented with orange, lemon and coriander with an oat kicker. If you hadn't noticed from the name of it it's loaded with sooooo organic malts. How "sooooo"? So "sooooo" it's 100%; which is like, the highest you can conceivably achieve in this dimension.

The scent is malty and fruity. I can't really think of anything that is malty and fruity but use your imagination for once. Like a apple caramel pop dipped in a bag of wheat. Oh? You think you can do better? I challenge you!

These are rad for crushing hard and fast and in large numbers. The wheatiness will make it hurt when you pee if you drink like 10 of them but well worth it. What do you mean it isn't sposed to make your pee hurt? I might have another problem. Nonetheless. I picked this guy up as a surprise sampler in a 12 pack which ran about 14 bones which is a pretty solid deal. It's got an IBU of 13 which is as low as you felt when you totally made out with your second cousin in a bowling alley.

This stuff is definitely solid if you are into the whole white beer craze. Stuff's solid if you aren't. Do yourself a favor and check it out Steve Brule style. For your health. And there's a damn jester on the label. A JESTER!!!!!

Drinkability: 6/10
Taste: 8/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 8/10

Overall: 6.75/10

Sprecher Brewing Company's Hard Root Beer

This is our first review of a hard root beer. Any hard soda or cola in fact.

Sprecher, primarily known for their soda pops, was founded in 1985 by Randal Sprecher. One "L", what the hell? Nonetheless, he was a brewing supervisor for Pabst in the early part of his career and in 1994 had expanded it's operation to it's current location. They currently have 6 all year round beers, a beer for all four seasons and about a dozen limited, reserve and special beers (the hard root beer and hard ginger beer being two of those). They also make about seven different sodas. They actually have a thing where you can make specialized sodas with different labels if you are trying to impress your middle school sweetie pie.

I am a huge fan out their soda. Their root beer is both gnar and lee so when I saw a hard root beer from these soda jerks I was like "Shit paw, I wanna git me somma this!" I think that was actually what came out of my mouth. So I picked up a four pack for $5 at the local party store so I was like, I'm getting two drinks for the price of one and I love root beer.

So, you can imagine my disappointment when the hard root beer was about 334% worse than their regular root beer. It's almost like Randy said to this root beer guy "Forget everything you know about root beer and make this hard root beer". I haven't been this disappointed since I found out my prom date was related to me. Not that it stopped anything ;). Family reunions got a little more awkward. So yeah, it is labeled a "Fire Brewed" hard root beer and I'm fairly certain that is the only problem with this beer. Who wants a fire brewed anything?!? It's aged in bourbon barrel for a fortnight or ten and yields a 5% ABV. I mean, you can tell at first sniff that this is going to have an oaky taste, okay? I mean who the hell wants an oaky root beer? Dumbos; that's who. I mean no one, and I mean no one, gets a hard root beer when it doesn't taste like root beer. Use your head dummies. You take two good things, beer and root beer, and make something that doesn't taste like either. You got rocks for brains!?! There are plenty of hard root beers out there and I thought a gourmet root beer giant would have killed this execution. Oh, it kills...my childlike demeanor.

Never, ever in my life have I seen such a poor execution.of two good things. That's like taking tacos and pizza and making some sort of bad taco pizza, which is seemingly impossible. Because it is! Boobs and sleep? I don't know how you combine those two things but it's gotta be good.

I will say this, I have hope. And if I see Randy come out with a non fire-brewed hard root beer I WILL buy it and I promise everyone ever in the world, if that stinks, I will never ever buy any Sprecher's product ever. Not even their soda pops.

If you are looking for a hard root beer try Small Town Brewery's "Not Your Father's Root Beer" or better yet, do a shot of Fireball and sip on Frostie or some non-alcoholic root beer because I have yet to find a hard root beer that satisfies all my alcohol and soda pop needs.

Drinkability: 5/10
Taste: 3/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 4.75/10

Bell's Brewery's Midwestern Pale Ale

Crank this if your are cool.

This is another beer out of Bell's Brewery; their Midwestern Pale Ale. If you went braindead since the initial review of Bell's which is chuck-full of facts about the place click over here. There actually isn't many facts in there and I think some of that is dated, but who cares (half the shit we say isn't right anyways).

So their is Bell's take on the pale ale which has many of the same characteristics of pale ales which means they know what their doing. Shit is as smooth as an Asian drag queen's stomach after going down a Nair slip-n-slide. Now that we have that image stuck in your head; let's continue.

It's got a light tan head and the beer itself is a cloud golden hue. It has a slight sediment to it and medium carbonation. It has a wheaty aroma with strong malt scents that are confirmed at first sip. What separates this from most pale ales is the full bodied flavor. It encompasses your mouth leaving a trail of hop and bitterness that is not realized upon initial oral contact, which is one of my top ten favorite contacts. This is not to be mistaken with oral contract; one of my least favorite contractions.

It's got a booze value of 5.2% ABV so it's strong than your typical beer but a little lower than some pale ales out there. What it lacks in crazy juice it makes up for in flavor. A sixer of this will run you better than $10 but if your friends are as cool as mine, you can con them out of a couple when they bring them over for a visit.

The bottle itself has got the whole barnyard look to it which I like because I was on a total Garfield and Friends kick a while back. And I know Roy was a jerk in that but he was still the best character.

Bell's for the most part makes a rad beer and this is no different. It's heavier than your Sierra Nevada and your Coors Cutter but this is great for kicking back and taking 'er easy. If you are doing a sack race in the near future I might hold off on these until after the finals. If no sack races are in your future; drink up!

Drinkability: 7/10
Taste: 8/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 6.5/10

Arcadia Ales' Nut Brown Ale

You like arcades? Crank it and yank it sea turtles!

So I should start by saying I picked up a twelve pack of a Arcadia sampler a little bit ago and if I'm too lazy to review a beer I'll leave one of each and drink the rest and I could have sworn I reviewed something from Arcadia before, however, I did not.

Arcadia spawned in 1996 marketing themselves as a British style microbrewery which I can only assume they focus on the bitter. They use English malts, hops from out west and blah, blah, blah. There isn't a ton of information about these guys. The staff consists of a handful of folks, some taken from Victory, that are native to the midwest and New York state. They have operations Battle Creek and Kalamazoo. That might sound familiar because I'm pretty sure Bell's has operations in both cities.

First and foremost, I've sampled three of their beers, other two to follow, and I can put it as simple as this: I was wholeheartedly unimpressed. My favorite part about this beer is that I picked up a 12 bottle sampler at Walgreens for like $14 where everything else was in excess of $18. Can you taste the savings? Unfortunately, yes. Even by "English Beer" standards (which I do not give full credit to English-style beer) this is poor to near-poor. Just simple things bore me about this brewery. First of all their website is as sterile as my milkman-trusting father. Their homepage consists of a handful of people that look like corporate managers on an outing because after tasting their beer, that is the only way you are going to get people in that place; drag them in there on a corporate retreat planned by someone who clearly doesn't know shit about beer.

I will say this. The nut brown is my favorite of the three and is mildly palatable. It's 6% ABV so if you do have the misfortune of picking this up by mistake, your taste buds will be numbs after about 5 and they will all go down as fast Michael Sam's career. I SAID CAREER! The label is okay but the glue job (now I'm getting picky) just flat out sucks and their Gaelic style fonts on their neck label is boring and un-original. Would I be this picky if I liked the beer? Probably not.

So...anyway. The beer is dark with a slightly tan, shallow head which is not atypical for an English style nut brown. It leaves a bitter aftertaste which sour undertones. It has a sweet, nutty scent however I would say the taste is far from nutty, unless you mean the Nutty Professor in which case I agree because it tastes like the worst shit Eddie Murphy had ever done. Too far? Probably.

So my evaluation? I would never, ever get this again or anything by Arcadia. But that's just me. Some people may love this shit. So...this is when I would buy it if I were you. It's 4 A.M. in Chicago and somehow you got a girl (or guy) to go back you your place to listen to your friend's bullshit EP because you fancy yourself as a music snob. Wait. It'd have to be before 4 A.M. Regardless, its late. And you and your new "friend" are already pretty lit. Well, you are aware they are not going to be impressed if you pick up a rack of PBR (or maybe they would) on the way home. So you pick up something cheap and strong and not part of the mainstream beer list. After you've been drinking all night you probably won't care (and they won't either) what it tastes like and they're gonna be all like "This guy's getting a microbeer, how faaannccyy".

Long story short. You can buy this when no one can taste shit and you're trying to impress drunk people who don't know any better". I see a new slogan in their future.

Drinkability: 4/10
Taste: 4/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 5/10

Overall: 4.25/10

Ale Syndicate Brewers' Sunday Session

Crank the ever living shit out of this while you're at it you hipster scumbag!

Reviewing a "Sunday session" beer on a Saturday?!? Someone call the KGB!

This is our first review of Ale Syndicate so let's go down memory trail to...last month. In July 2014 they got their own fermentation tanks and got their own brewery in Chi-Town; on Diversity if you are in the know. Their team is made from a hodge-podge of dudes associated with Lucky Hand brewery, microbiology, and general midwest nerds/Chicago aficionados.The founders started with home brewing (no shit) kickin' it old school in Oakland. They eventually moved to Chicago and partnered up with some local brewers in Chicago before they got their own space, brewing purveyance for young and old. They went to town in February of 2014 offering their first 3 commercially available beers; Municipal IPA, Sunday Session Hopped-Up Ale and Van de Velde Belgo-American Ale along with a magnum of Omega Midnight stout. They now offer an additional beer, a saison entitled Du Sable. So if you are in the Logan Square area...don't stop in. They currently aren't accepting visitors but will probably still entertain break-ins until the cops roll in.

So this is their Sunday Session Ale. A 4.8% ABV ale; clear and highly carbonated. It's a light, mildly hoppy beer. Medium head and clean, white head. Whitehead? It has a dry scent. Not overwhelming in the slightest. It tastes light with a dry, bitter aftertaste with floral undertones. Not much of a lingering flavor. At an IBU level we're talking 23; which is relativity low. Considering they market this as a "hopped-up" ale you might feel let down if you are looking for a hoppy ale. I suppose an argument may be that for a beer this light it has a hoppier taste than some ales; but only in contrast to the low maltiness of it all.

I appreciate the no-nonsense label and the "nutrition fact-esque" beer description on the labels. It's only available in Illinois so if you are looking to try their shit out you better get your ass to Chicago. This isn't a bad beer. Their isn't too much to say about it other than its light, dry and you could probably polish off a million of them in one sitting. I got it for free when a pal brought over a sixer. He probably paid over ten bones for a sixer though.

Drinkability: 8/10
Taste: 6/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 6.5/10

Stone Brewing Co. - IPA

See our review of Stone Pale Ale here.

With our second Stone review, and embarrassing that this is only the second, I blame myself, is Stone IPA. Stone does some great stuff with hoppy beers and this one doesn't disappoint. If you find yourself at a local watering hole and are looking for a safe IPA I'd go with this. I've drank a lot of IPA's in my day and this gem is one of the most balanced you will find for the style. Pours a nice hazy golden orange, with not much head, but plenty of carbonation, very light malt character with a punch of citrusy and piny bitterness. Classic west coast IPA style like a lot of their other offerings.

Coming in at 6.9% ABV and 77 IBU's, this guy surprisingly flies down the throat faster than a sorority girl manning an 8 tube beer bong. Great for a tailgate where you don't care for the concert, or a few before a blind date would make anyone interesting.

Other breweries need to take notes on Stone's presentation. I'm sure the silk screened bottles cost more to manufacture, but damn, do they look nice!

Drinkability: 8/10

Taste: 9/10

Value: 7/10
Curb Appeal: 8/10

Overall: 8/10

Sierra Nevada Brewing Company's Celebration Fresh Hop IPA

Whether you want to get your crunk on or merely cyberchat with a couple of teenage babes from Milwaukee; you should crack one of these babies and crank the crap out of this.

Remember four and twenty years ago we reviewed Sierra Nevada for the first time and totally talked about the history of the brewery? Well, if "no" then click here to learn a little more about the brewery.

This is Sierra Nevada's Celebration FHIPA. It's a FHIPA due to its "fresh" hops (fresh as Will Smith's career) and IPA as crap. How "crap", may you ask? 65 IBU IPA MF. That's along the lines of Founder's Centennial if you are in "the know". If you aren't Kool and the Gang then I'll say this "It's relatively bitter". It's 6.8% ABV so you can't slug this like "Sweet" Lou Whittaker slugged tons of homers in 1987. But it has a crisp taste flood with hops tickling the outside of your tongue; leaving a bitter, dryness to the back of your throat. It has a hint of citrus and pine which it totallllllly normal for an IPA.

It has a reddish/brown hue and a cloudy appearance like many IPA before him. That being said, they starting brewing this junk in 1981, the same year Candy Maldonado debuted for the Dodgers.

I got the five finger discount on this beer which mean my buddy left it over here during a visit. I feel like I earned it for being such a good friend and I'm totally going to drink the crap out of them. You can probably get a six pack for about $9 at your local party store. It's packs the punch of about 10 beers so you are getting your money's worth. Oh you gunna git yo money.

I've had this before and it never really disappoints. I usually veer away from breweries this big that sell expensive beer and I guess that's on me because this is a tasty beverage. Clearly I'd prefer to stick with a smaller microbrewery that might be a little more under the radar but the truth is that Sierra Nevada makes a heck of a beer and I like the beer and them. I will get their stuff when selection is low and I want to treat myself, and trust me, I've drank plenty of Sierra Nevada in my day but they don't bring all the girls to the yard like midwest microbreweries...what was I saying? I'd buy this.

Drinkability: 8/10
Taste: 8/10
Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 7.00/10

Victory Brewing Company's Summer Ale

Dust of your 45's and load the stereo with this jam and let the horny details fly!

What the heck do you mean we haven't review Victory yet?

This all started with Ron and Bill (two total dudes) experimented with a brew kit in 1985 after, no doubt, watching Thundercats. This passion led them to abandon the crappy world we know as "work life" and pursue their dreams of beer making; bastards. Ron did a stint at Baltimore Brewing Company (BBC) and after a year studied a broad (or two) in Germany. Bill covered him at BBC. Ron came back to work for Old Dominion. After some time they opened Victory in 1996. They now crank out over 100,000 barrels annually and kick ass on a regular basis. Quick math, that's a barrel for each square foot of their facility.

The have 12 regular brews and another dozen seasonals they push out in Downington, Pennsylvania. Also, interesting fact: Victory is one of the only breweries that uses whole flower hops and if I know our audience like I think I do; zero people care.

This is Victory's Summer Love. Is got a mild, citrus scent. It compliments the taste which is a light, refreshing flavor. It has strong citrus hints with a slight wheat undertone. Almost like if a pilsner humped and IPA and got a little fresh with a lager while a pale ale watched quietly from the closet and was like "Oh yeah, I like this" but ended leaving the party alone and the next day everyone was like "What was with pale ale last night?" and was thus labelled a creep for the rest of high school.

They use German 2-Row malts and three different hops; Tettnang, Simoe and Citra. All yields a very clean drink.

Highly carbonated and a clear, golden color. Medium, crystal white head. By looks alone even you girlfriend could polish off a six pack of these and flip the bird to a cop and run to safety. She'd be pretty wasted unless her college nickname was "Betty the Deuce" cuz these have an ABV of 5.2%. Not too strong but I am pretty sure that men have 2 pints more blood in their bodies than women which is a leading reason babes get way drunker than dudes. Men probably also retain more water unless you count the fluids in my ex-girlfriend's cankles.

Overall this is a fine purveyance. It won't keep you too warm tailgating but a fun crushable in the hot summer nights. I recommend crushing like 10 before necking with your ladyfriend under the boardwalk. These sons-of-bitches run about $11 for a sixer and your local party store. Do yourself a flavor favor and pick up some before the summer's over.

The label isn't anything to brag about but it got babes, hot dogs, ice cream, fish, tents...I mean these are a few of my favorite things. There's nothing not to like about this beer and I'd totally get it again.

Drinkability: 8/10
Taste: 8/10
Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 7.25/10

Bell's Brewery's Oberon Ale

Crank this ill shit to the max and sit down if your comfiest rocker!

Some people think the first day of summer is when they can finally jump in the pool, or when school lets out, or when they touch their first "bikini boob" of the year (which is usually the best of the year). But alas no, it is when you take your first sip of Oberon; which is weird since it's released in April. So don't think it too early!

So let's talk about the elephant in the room; the label is god awful. I have something against suns. I think Sublime might have ruined them for me but I am not a fan. I'm more of a moon guy and it's cooler cuz you can howl at it. Aroooooooooooo!!

So it loses serious points for the label but let's move on.

So let's talk about the beer for a change; a novel idea. It's a light, hazy yellow with a white, clean, short head. It has citrus and fruity scents mixed with a wheaty punch. It's got 56 IBU's so its got a slight hop to it. Oh shit, I forgot to redirect you to the first review where we "talk" about the brewery. It's here. The taste is much like the look an smell, light, wheaty taste with a hoppy bite mixed with fruit and citrus.  It's surprisingly malty but not heavy on the palate. You might find some "flavor crystals" as the bottom of your glass but you can just feed those to your dog.

At the end of the day, this is a fine beer. It's hyped to the max in the midwest so it's sort of a boring old standby. It is refreshing and it is good for you. It's great when the temperature exceeds 90 degrees. I paid 11 bucks for 6 of them so it isn't as cheap at your prom date and not NEARLY as trashy. It's 5.8% ABV so you can get tore up after a handful. Would I get it again? Yeah, I'm not stoopid. But you aren't going to impress anyone unless you go where ever Bell's ISN'T sold.

Drinkability: 9/10
Taste: 8/10
Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 3/10

Overall: 5.0/10

Bell's Brewery's Special Double Cream Stout

Please allow yourself the privilege to blast this so loud your neighbor's neighbors get deaf as shit!

So let's set the stage; shall we? I was recently in the Kalamazoo and against my better judgement I wandered down to the old Bell's General Store for a few well deserved libations. I knew Bell's is the ill shit after partaking in a few choice beverages in previous outings and from our initial review of their Stout done by some of our more handsome reviewers here.

So if you are from the midwest Bell's is as common as corrupt Chicago politicians or Chicago murders (we're up to 1 a day on average; keep up the good work southside!) So yeah, its common so shit man, I can find some of their more typical stuff everywhere (20 states currently) and they got their stout, Oberon, Two Hearted and it never really made me feel special; the way a beer makes a man feel special. And shit, I'm special, so as I went to their General Store I sawr this and as soon as I see the words "special" on a beer I'm already half in.

So special, huh? You got me; now explain yourself. At first I tasted nine different malts and was astounded when I found out they actually use ten. I guess my tongue isn't as discerning as it was in the 80's. What malts? How the shit should I know? I'll tell you what I can tell. Coffee, caramel, probably caramel 2-row (if that's a thing), cocoa, and red dye number 2; I don't know. What the heck good am I? Well, I can tell you this Potsie, if you run the 110 meter high hurdles I wouldn't beer bong any of these under the bleachers with all your pals. I'd be impressed if ANYONE could bong these. These are more apt to be poured over  a stack of pancakes.

It's darker than your conscience after prom-night (the bomb-night) and has a tan similar to Julian Tavarez. Actually, as I fact check this it may be a little darker. Tavarez when he's on vacation for sure. The scent is overwhelmingly sweet with bitter, coffee and chocolate undertones. I mean no one is going to be surprised that this jazz is heavy, McFly. You get some decent oaktree effect on this bad mother and a smooth, malty finish (so at least you will have a nice finish if you do drink this before the 110 hurdles).

This stuff is far more common in the winter months and I no doubt caught this on the end of its annual reign. I might get into some more of this shit next winter if I see it out and about but it will have to wait until the colder months. It's got a 6.1% ABV and I paid about $2.00 for a bottle at the store but I couldn't drink it until I got into the parking lot.

Drinkability: 7/10
Taste: 8/10
Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 7.0/10

Central Water's Ouisconsing Red Ale

Crank this ill shit pronto.

So this is another beer from the guys over all Central Waters. We first reviewed Central Waters here so if you wanna know more you gotta read that shit, bro.

Ouisconsing sounds like a GD word people say when they talk about, what's that called, shit, uh...shit. I looked all over the interweb and I had no idea what it's called. Google sucks! Regardless, what? Oh..the word. Algonquonese for a Milwaukee river? Or something? THE Wisconsin River. Sorry. What was the name of that dance?

So let us talk about this beer specifically; why don't we? So unless you're Ray Charles you can tell this beer has a pretty serious amber look with a pretty gnarly head on it. What is actually pretty special about this beer is that frothy head. It leads to a very smooth, malty flavor. It's more full flavored than a lot of ales out there. They must cram about fifty tons of caramel malts per bottle. That's my amateur estimate but I feel it's pretty accurate.

It's smoother than Orlando Bloom at a frat house; I mean smoooooth. I suggest this for anyone who likes a full-bodied beer or a fan of stout that isn't looking to drink their dinner in one pint. This is one of the better red ales I've had and it's as smooth as gravy without all that "gravy" taste.

The label is pretty typical of all beers they had in the pack. Not a huge fan but what the heck do it know about art. It's simple and gets to the point but when do I ever want to get to the point?

I'd definitely try this bastard again. I will say, this is way better out of a glass than the bottle. It packs a 4.8 ABV so it's of mild strength; it tastes a lot stronger. I picked this muminabatch up in a sampler pack and it ran 21 bones for 12. Mathwise I probably could have done better but well worth. As Steve Brule would say, "Check it out!".

Drinkability: 8/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 7.0/10

Lakefront Brewery's Monkey Wheat Ale

Take this bad mother up to 11!

Yet another beer from our friends at Lakefront; Milwaukee. Let me start by saying this does not taste like bananas unless you've gone bananas. For some reason I thought it might but it tastes like a wheat ale as any normal person would guess. I have had a banana bread in my day and I suppose that's why I felt it might taste like bananas; plus the monkey on the label. So it's a little "deceiving" and by "deceiving" I mean "I'm retarded".

It's got a clean, white head (like yours truly) and the foam lasts as long as a Shia LeBeouf's innocence at Elton John's birthday party. It's got a bubbly, hazy, golden look to it as any hefeweissen would. The label resembles the type of children's book. The ones that are super simple and the one's I'd use for Book-It just to get free pizza at Pizza Hut because they have a grand total of 100 words. Great. Now I want pizza.

It has a wheaty scent to the old bastard. Which makes sense since they use pale wheat malts (along with 2-row). They stick strictly to cascade hops (which I feel is a little amateur) so it's not a very complex flavor and, dare I say, a little boring. I'd stick a little fruit in it (not Shia LaBeouf). Like a lemon or orange slice. Mmm. Orange Slice. Do they still make that?

They stick about 7 IBU's in this guy. Match that with the 4.5% ABV and you're gonna need to crush 10 or so to get a decent buzz on. The beer itself is pretty easy to crush. This is good if you are a 13 year old prepubescent or a 65 year old jagbag. I feel if I had a ton of these I might get a little bored with the flavor so be sure to have plenty of fruit on hand when drinking this.

I probably wouldn't look into getting any more of these if I didn't have a lemon on hand. It's not the type of beer you'd want to bring camping or crush in a parking lot. You gotta plan way ahead and it's not dirt cheap (like I usually like) so is it worth the effort? Probably not. A decent beer but given how lazy I've become this will mostly stay on the back burner and I'd stick with Bridge Burner or something along those lines from Lakefront.

Drinkability: 8/10
Taste: 6/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 5/10

Overall: 6.0/10

Central Water's Glacial Trail India Pale Ale

Jam this to the highest of volumes.

So if you know anything about anything you know we initially review Central Waters here so if you want to remind yourself their story (like I just did) just click on it. If you don't wanna learn jackcrap and live in your brother-in-law's basement your whole time just keep reading like some sorta turkey.

So this is their IPA, right? It's got a nice look to it, don't you think? They got the Industrial Design dropout label and the "we brew this in our basement" bottle cap. I do like the label though; the majority of their labels have similar designs. They've gone through a few labels in their history and I guess this season is their minimalist season; cuz who isn't into that shit these days? I picked up a 12 back sampler for $20.99. Not horrible for such a small brewery.

The beer itself has a nice amber color to it; complimented with a nice tan head. The beer is cloudy as you would expect. It looks just as good in a glass as it does in your stomach; or on your drunk friends white shirt.

It has a piney, hoppy aroma. Sweet undertones tickle the olfactory bulbs. Yeah, I went there.

It has a relatively malty taste. The aftertaste leaves a dry finish on the filiform papallae which any jerk can tell you is reserved for sweet flavors. Am I saying this beer is sweet? You're darn tootin'! It has a heavy consistency that I certainly enjoy. They only way you will win a long jump competition after drinking three of these is if you have a talented gift to levitating because these bastards will drag you down faster than your one friend who you never want to hang out with, but then you ignored their call the last three times they called and you feel obligated to answer their calls. You realize that once you hang out you aren't going to have fun and you impatiently keep looking at you phone at the time praying for someone else to call you with an emergency to get out of this situation. "Sorry buddy, Terry just called and I have to help 'em with putting IKEA furniture together; shit!"

This is a great beer for anyone who might like a mild IPA (only 68 IBUs) and anyone who might enjoy a full, hoppy beer. It's heavy so you aren't going to slug 1 million of these but, hell, you can still try. They have an ABV of 5.5% but you would think it higher after a sip or two. I'd get this again, especially out of a tap. It's great out of the bottle and if I came across this at some sort of BBQ in a cooler I'd prolly grab one and try to impress people with my knowledge of it. Then I'd get too drunk and make a royal ass out of myself. Not bragging; just foreseeing the future.

Drinkability: 5/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 6.25/10

Lakefront Brewery's Fuel Cafe Organic Coffee Stout

Rip it sister Hazel!

Yet another beverage from our friends at Lakefront. We first reviewed them here so if you want to learn anything, read that. If you want to read a load of crap, read that and the contents below.

Now, it's common knowledge that I have a man-crush on this brewery; that's evident. It rivals some of my other man-crushes a la Kevin Bacon in Footloose and Christian Slater in anything he's ever done. It's also common knowledge that I like stouts (truth be told I like just about any beer) so this should be a grade A Dominique Wilkins; Two Handed Slam over Joe Dumars' puny frame. Spoiler...it is.

This cleverly disguised can of motor oil, when not used to blind bats' sonar, emits a dark, short head representative of a fine stout. I can safely say, this stuff blocks light completely. So if you are a total wuss or in a situation where you need light to go through your beer, like some science project or something, I'd steer clear. The label is relatively simple; you got some sort of percolator or some shit on there (because its brewed with coffee, you numbskull) and it's got that USDA seal of Organiticity (which makes any scrub look like a total baller; which everyone can enjoy). Where's the coffee come from? How the crap should I know? What am I some sort of coffee king of Tibet? Grow up.

It has a sweet, bold aroma. The deep scent signals to your dang brain it's gonna be a thick, malty brew; which it is. They got malt galore in there (2-row, Caramel, Crystal, Roasted Barley, Chocolate and Black). All those malts are organic as your ex-girlfriend's vegan casserole that taste's like a damn boot that washed up in Jersey. They use Perle hops (Yes, also Organic) and all this stuff in a boiling pot will get you about 18 IBU's and 6.4% ABV. It doesn't take a Buster Poindexter fan you know that a few of these will rip you a new one.

Of course this beer is delicious. It's a full flavored, rich coffee stout. It's quite similar to their Bridge Burner (which we reviewed here) but 10 times more organic. So organic your stomach won't believe it. It's pretty thick and will lay a nice coat of "delicious" in your mouth and a nice coat of "beer fat" around your cute little love handles. You better pick some up before spring or, dare I say, summer hits or you'll be dead. No question. This is a winter beer and you better embrace it, pal!

Drinkability: 6/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 5/10

Overall: 6.25/10

MillerCoors Brewing Company's Miller Lite Lager

Shit.

This was supposed to be an easy beer review because OBVIOUSLY we must have reviewed Miller or Coors or probably both in the past. Nope. So here's some cliff notes because if you are anything like me, you do not have the patience to read through the history of one of the largest brew suppliers of the third planet.

So it isn't like we have reviewed some of the purveyances of this macrobrewery. We've reviewed Red Dog, Blue Moon (after investigation we actually haven't), Coors Light, Tyskie, Leinkugel...I mean, these guys own the majority of the Western world as you know it. Regardless, nothing was mentioned in any of those reviews about the brewery. Breweries? Whatever.

So here's the skinny. Fred Miller made Miller in 1855 in Milwaukee (the good land). This other dude, Adoph Coors opened Coors in Golden Colorado in 1873 (then modestly called Golden Brewing Company). High Life was born in 1903 which meant everyone got bombed for cheap and woke up with wicked, bad hangovers for the first time. In 1970 Philip Morris (Yes, that Philip Morris) buys Miller because what doesn't go better with beers than a few filthy smokes? Miller Lite is invented in 1975; Coors Light in 1978. With popular college demand to get drunker faster and have a worse hangover than High Life Milwaukee's Best was invented in 1984 per Orwell's prediction. MGD comes around in '86. Miller buys Leinkugel in '88. Keystone sleezes into the world in '89 which makes thousands of homeless cheer. Red Dog and Icehouse are brought in five years later which encourages even more homeless cheering. SAB (South African Breweries) buys Miller in 2002 (which I'm not even going to investigate; just take my word. Coors merges with Molson in 2005; joint venture with Miller in '08. I hope you are keeping track of all of this; you might need a beer to calm yourself. Sooooo. In 2010 they all get into the craft beer market (which I am still against). And that gets us to today; I think. I am fortunate I drink during my reviews.

So where does that put us? Well let's start at the start. The can. I love most throwback stuff like most people with the exception of the Pittsburgh Steelers jerseys. I like this because it reminds me of a time when drinking beer was fun and not a necessity. Remember those days? A day when your damn nagging wife didn't bother you to clean the bathroom every GD weekend. I mean, if she's the one bothered by it, shouldn't SHE clean it? Am I right? So in this particular case, the can is great. I don't get into the Pilsner Bottle, the damn Vortex neck. The punch top. Gentlemen. I ask you. Can we just get back to the business of slamming beers the old fashioned way (ie. any means possible). When you take the fun out of absolute chugging, shotgunning, beer bongs, you are KILLING AMERICA! Grow up!

This stuff looks as clean as the driven snow. Almost too clear. Almost can't trust it. You know what they said, if you are trying to hide something, put it in clear sight.

What's this stuff smell like? Well, c'mon. Smells like Lite Beer; water mixed with a little barley. It's not gonna lure some babe from across the room like some Whore Lure (eg. Axe) but it doesn't smell like the rail car I was on last night. I mean, what died in there? There was a hobo slamming a pint of liquor on there so I guess I could be assumed he was covered in piss and shit. (apologies to any homeless reading this). I assume he stunk. If not he was blind-stinking drunk. Man, was I jealous. I'm still jealous. And no amount of Miller Lite will be me to that hobo's level.

Which brings us to taste. Miller Lite is classic for getting beat for tasting like piss, water, etc. Now, haters gonna hate; that's just what they do. Takes one to know one. But you really have to look at this beer and say "What can this beer do for me?". Am I gonna go out and impress my friends with a 30-rack of Miller Lite? Only my 16-year old friends. But don't look this gift horse in the mouth. When you "need" to slam 20 beers in a night; Miller Lite is there for you. Playing a intense drinking game; such as Drinking RBI Baseball, Drinking Back to the Future, or whatever. Miller Lite is there for you. If you need to outrun the cops, scale a fence, tail gating, or need to drink for 14 hours straight. Miller Lite is there. Need to take a piss 20 times in one day. Miller Lite is there.

At the end of the day, this stuff is cheap, weak (4.2% ABV), men can drink it, girls can drink it, kids can drink it. Dogs drink this. It's the duct tape of beer. I'll drink this in the morning, afternoon or evening. Before, after or during work. It's good anytime for anything. I can drink 100 of these and do a million cartwheels and push-ups.

Is it a special beer? No. Is it going to impress anyone? No. But I feel, deep down in my heart, this beer can be used anytime, anywhere by anyone and is available everywhere. If someone would pass up a free Miller Lite, that's the type of person I don't want to hang out with.

Drinkability: 10/10
Taste: 6/10
Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 4/10

Overall: 6.5/10