Kompania Piwowarska Brewery's Lech Pale Lager

So my commute from work ranges from 45 minutes to 2 and a half hours.  During these 2.5 hour commutes, I will occasionally stroll on into a bar to wet my proverbial whistle.  So me and my pal go into this log cabin bar outside of the Chicago city limits and it had an abnormally large selection of Polish beers.

Lech is actually owned by SABMiller, which you might know from Miller Genuine Draft.  Those guys actually own a ton of beers that I'm not going to get into.  The plant itself was erected (insert joke) [insert additional joke] in the late 1970s. They made beer there, go figure, and Miller bought them out in the mid 90's when everyone was rocking out to Evil Empire; remember that album?

Poles are known for their booze consumption, so it wasn't a coincidence that in 2007, they made the worlds largest beer mug inside of the brewery. It held 4250 liters of beer and 10,625 people enjoyed it.  Obviously, my invitation got lost in the mail.

Kompania Piwowarska itself translates to "Brewing Company" controls 45% of the Polish beer market, the largest being Tyskie.

The thing about polish beers are some of them are great.  Some of them taste like Slip and Slide water from Daniel Stern's birthday party.  This is the good one (though they both sound pretty good when you put it like that).  It has a similar taste to Lomza.

It has a nice clear look to it, as most pale lagers do.  It is complimented by a flowery, crisp flavor with a sharp finish.  This may be a bold statement, but it also smells like beer.  I feel this is a great beer to slam when you are watching sports at a bar because you can drink a hell of a lot of them and it comes in half liter bottles that any fool knows can knock out any hooligan.  It's got such a light taste also, that if you don't knock out that hooligan, you can certainly outrun him.

I paid $5 for this 500mL rascal and it has an ABV of 5.2% which is nothing to bite your thumb at.  This is one of my favorite Polish beers and would definitely get it again. The worst thing I could say is the label is not nearly as appealing as Lomza. Becks called; they want their label back.

Drinkability: 7/10
Taste : 7/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 4/10

Overall: 5.75/10

Van Pur Company's Lomza Lager

Browar Lomza is Poland's fourth largest brewery, also known as the "plastic medal", not that I have anything against plastic. They have been bought and sold a few times in the past decade but initially were founded in 1968 in Lomza, Poland. They currently have three domestic beers and an export. This beer has advertised that it won the bronze medal in the...ya know what? Who cares? No one in the Olympics even brags they got the bronze, sorry Nelson Carmichael. Also, there's something called the "Beverage Testing Institute" (sending my resume) and it recommends it. Now I may be a sucker for advertising and doing what I'm told, but I'll try almost anything any institute recommends as long as it doesn't interfere with my heterosexual orientation. This particular beer is marketed as "Wyborowe", or roughly translated, "Elite". I'm not sure what more elite; the fact this baby has an ABV of 6.0% and I can't tell or the fact it only cost $3 for 500mL.

The beer itself has an odd flavor for a lager. Other Polish lagers include Zyweic, Lazer Jack, Hevelius, and Okocim; there's a few more covered in the blog but you can go look at that yourself. It's got a bit of a smokey taste to it with a hint of floral hops; all good by the way. It has a surprisingly crisp, light taste to it so you could feasibly take down half a dozen of these puppies down with little to no effort and you'll be slurring your words so bad people will mistake you for a common degenerate. So congratulations in advance. A light smell too, not too overbearing.

At 6.0% ABV and 3 bones for half a liter, that's pretty economical. It definitely goes down easy and tastes a little better than other Polish lagers. Plus it's got a guy in a dress with a feather in his hat on the label getting booze from some hot chick which is pretty awesome.

Drinkability: 7/10
Taste : 6/10
Value: 7/10
Curb Appeal: 8/10

Overall: 7.0/10

Zywiec Brewery's EB Pilsner

Another product of Poland's largest brewer, Zywiec Group, EB is a pilsner with a little different spin on it. This beer was introduced in 1993 by Elbrewery (notice the ElBrewery) then when Zywiec bought them out in 1998, the discontinued brewing the stuff for domestic (Polish) use and was used as purely an export; mostly to the US and Germany. Later on as discussed in other blogs covered by ILTS, Heineken is now a majority shareholder in Zywiec Group. It claims to be brewed and bottled in Poland but I skeptical. Not really; I totally believe them. The 1872 date on the label references the English Spring Company, a group that bogarted the spring water initially to brew beer on that estate.

So this pilsner has a very weak smell; what you can smell is great, but it's not very overpowering at all. This deceives the taste buds, as it is very flavorful. It's a light drink but does not taste watered down. And at 5.2% ABV it isn't not trying to get you all sorts of gnarly, though lower than most other Polish Pilsners. The best thing this beer has going for it is that there's a kangaroo and an emu on the label. This could only be trumped by tyrannosaurus rex and shark (if someone can find this please tell me). There's some seals that appear to be awards this beer has won, but I like to think that they are actually pogs. That being said, I still have my slammer and will challenge any of those Polish turkeys to a round.

In conclusion this beer is pretty legit, it doesn't taste as heavy as some of the other Polish Pilsners which is a plus. It has a milder aroma and taste but less booze. I picked up this 500mL bottle for a king's ransom, which is equal to $2.50. I'd get this again if I needed a bottle to go drink in a parking lot somewhere or in my car waiting to pick someone up from the airport or something.

Drinkability: 6/10

Taste: 6/10

Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 5.8/10

Lubelskie Brewery's Perla Pilsner

Allow me to precede this review with this disclaimer. I know it's only Thursday but I've had a hell of a week at work; IE i worked 19 hours yesterday, 16 before that and only 15 today, so when I cracked this cool baby open; immediately the beautiful aroma of choice hops and malts rushed to my nose and I almost cried. So this review might be a little higher due to my week, but I'll try to remain neutral.

So this stuff smells great; it brought a tear to my eye like when Malikili cried when his Rancor died at the hands of Luke Skywalker, but that dude was a puss-in-boots. It has a nice refreshing, mildly hoppy aroma that will tickle the nostrils. The taste is that of any pale lager, or pilsner. A little bitter on the taste, mostly due to it's 6.0% ABV. But it certainly doesn't smell or taste like a beer with an ABV that high. The taste of alcohol doesn't fester in your mouth like a rat in a corpse, but it does leave a nice, hoppy aftertaste that isn't too bitter or strong; Just right.

The brewery itself seemed pretty legit. They are the first brewery in Poland to receive the HACCP award which stands for "who the heck cares". It's some dingus award for not having glass and rat crap in the bottles. I mean, I'm glad its clean but I take that stuff for granted these days. It's from Lublin in Poland, which doesn't mean a whole hell of a lot to me but you gotta check out the label. It's got a goat boxing a hop plant. Vegas has odds on the goat 10:3.

The beer is pretty good. At 6.0% ABV it's stronger than most other Polish beers. You don't hardly notice the extra alcohol in the taste but will notice it when you dance. The bottle was $3 (500mL) so it wasn't too expensive. For a strong imported pilsner with no rat shit and can make ugly girls cute in 2 Liters when your on a budget? I think we have a winner!

Drinkability: 5/10

Taste: 5/10

Value: 7/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 5.8/10

Zywiec Group's Lezajsk Pale Lager

This is Lezajsk (pronounced: LAZER-jack) and is one of the breweries in the Zywiec Group, now owned by Heineken. This pale lager was named for the district in Poland, Lezajsk (which itself was named from its most popular resident, Pat Sajak, or Lezajsk in Polish). The 1525 date signifies that back in 1525 the king of Poland at the time,Pat Sajak's brother, Sigismund I the old (not made up) said it'd be rad if the district of Lezajsk has the exclusive brewer to the crown. The brewery today was established in 1978 when Led Zeppelin began recording "In Through the Out Door", though completely unrelated. This beer is pretty cool because the label on the neck says "Browar" which I can only assume is a bunch of guys with graphic t-shirt smothering each other into oblivion with hair gel.

The smell is light and not overbearing at all, like most European Pale Lagers. It has a nice crisp taste with a mild, delicate aftertaste; not bitter. It's pretty drinkable, but I couldn't see knocking back more than three of these in one sitting. I mean I definitely "could" but I mean, I'd probably get a little bored with it. I picked this 500mL bottle up for three bucks so it's not the cheapest beer in the world but has a crisp, refreshing taste and a ABV of 5.5% which is about half a percent higher than most European lagers, however, slightly below average than other Polish breweries. But man, like, can you remember when you used to drink Beast Ice and that taste horrible and only had 5.9% ABV? Progress; gotta love it!

But you can find better polish beers that are stronger and cheaper. Not a bad beer though.

Drinkability: 5/10
Taste : 5/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 4/10

Overall: 4.8/10

Elbrewery's Hevelius Kaper Lager

At first sniff you can tell this beer was brewed purposefully to get you jack hammered. The aroma is very sweet; and sugar is a main contributor to alcohol strength. Too afraid to sip this 8.7% ABV beauty, I peruse the label; no men with mustaches (minus one). This beer is from Poland and it's called Hevelius Kaper from Elbrewery; not to be mistaken with Mexico's El Brewery. It was named after the Johannes Helvelius, who was clearly once mayor of Danzig. (I wish I was lying about this.) He called it Mother's Milk (made that up) and once proclaimed it was "Not of this World" (Also, made up). After taking a sip it's clear that this is not meant for you standard European Nobleman. It doesn't taste like a "bad" beer that's 8.7%, but it definitely tastes like it's 8.7% in a bad way. This Johannes Hevelius actually sounds like a legit character; he was in cahoots with Sobiesky who you might remember from this, but this is not about men who both had astonishing mustaches, this is about beer. Based from the bottle is distributed by the Zyweic group. I'm not gonna lie, this lager is nearly undrinkable. This is one of those things you might see a hozo buy (half hobo, half bozo) and since a 500mL bottle was only two bones and some quarters, not unbelievable. If you need to get a buzz real fast and also wanna look interesting, invest in this, otherwise, you are better off drinking something else. A swing and a miss for Poland on this "Devil's Plaything".

Drinkability: 2/10
Taste : 2/10
Value: 8/10

Overall: 4.0/10

Carlsberg Brewery's Okocim Malt Liquor

So dig this. Okocim used to rock it's own brewery then Carlsberg acquired, like, in the 90's, so that Okocim can brew Carlsberg, which sounds like a bunch of feel loving hogwash, if you ask me. When I think of malt liquor I think of the typical Colt 45, or maybe some Old English 40's, of Mickey's...and then mornings bombarded with severe headaches and patches of lost consciousness. This has a stronger taste than other Polish beers but it's actually pretty good stuff. It doesn't leave an overbearing taste in your mouth. I wouldn't make out with a buncha chicks after this, and probably wouldn't be very successful in the process, but I can easily tear through a sixer of this real easy at the bowling alley, which could be devastating given its 7.0% ABV. The price is definitely right; I paid three Washingtons for 500mL. I liked the bottle because it reminded me on IBC root beer; and I love root beer. But don't be confused, this is regular beer; it gets you drunk, and its cheaper and IBC root beer. I'm tabbing a big W on this one but it could really use a guy with a mustache on the label.

Drinkability: 6/10
Taste : 5/10
Value: 9/10

Overall: 6.7/10

Tyskie Brewery's Pale Lager

It's reassuring that you are relieved when you're reviewing a beer it's only 5.6% ABV, which is the case when you go on a hard bender of Polish beers. This pale lager is in direct competition with Poland's largest beer Zyweic. This has a crisper, more refreshing taste yet a but of a different after taste, that isn't necessarily bad, just necessarily different. The crown on the label is in regard to King Sobiesky, the first king of Poland to never sit on this throne sober, or something like that. He might have been born the same year as the beer was first brewed. But that story makes less sense because babies can't even drink that much; so why name a dumb baby after your beer. That baby did end up growing a wicked mustache (not seen on label). I clicked on a link of his wife, figuring she was really hot, but I guess King Soberesky wasn't so sober when he married her. Apparently she was a great cook though, receiving the highest honor from Emerial Lagasse in 1781 during the French Revolution...or something like that. She also kept a very clean castle and later invented the first vacuum cleaner using her maiden name, Hoover...or something like that.

Drinkability: 5/10
Taste : 6/10
Value: 6/10

Overall: 5.7/10

Warka Brewery's Strong Lager

This is another quality beer coming out of Poland. It's hits an ABV at 7.0% which is pretty high; hence the name "Strong". This was originally it's own brewery until it was bought out by Zyweic which was later bought out by Heineken. This stuff is pretty legit for a Strong Beer. It's a family beer which means it comes in Strong (for you), Regular (for your little brother), and Light (for your 10 year old sister). For having a 7.0% ABV it doesn't overpower you like Beast Ice or beverages similar to; but you can certainly tell after a few of them you're gonna be called Johnny Blotto by your friends and screaming "Warka Warka" like this guy. The price was very reasonable at $1.99 for 500mL. I'd pay that much for an empty bottle of that Edgar Allen Poe looking stooge on the label. When in doubt, always buy a beer with a man on the label with a mustache. But that's boozehound tip #1. But no bitter smell and a little aftertaste that assures you that after 2.0L of this stuff, you're clothes are coming off.

Drinkability: 5/10
Taste : 4/10
Value: 8/10

Overall: 5.7/10

Zywiec's Pale Lager

So to cut to the chase about this brew-ha-ha, WW2 happened and now it's Poland's and like all breweries in Europe, eventually bought out by Heineken. Now for the good stuff. In this corner, tipping the scales at 5.6% ABV, Zyweic Pale Lager (also available in light for your mom). The natural attraction to this baby is clearly the jovial folks prancing like doped-up indians on the label. I sorta felt it'd be the sorta thing that would make me dance, or what I would drink after dancing. Needless to say, I didn't dance but did cook up two hot Italian sausages that complimented the beer finely. This is "apparently" Poland's number 1 beer but if that's any indication like Bud is the number 1 beer in the U.S.A. I'm not buying into it. It's not too bad though, I got 500mL for 3 bucks at the party store any I think I could knock down about three until swithcing over to something a little fuller bodied. In comparison to other lagers, it is very crisp and refreshing. I does leave a little taste in your mouth but I mean, ya know, what are you gonna do? Pretty good by lager standards though.

Drinkability: 6/10
Taste : 5/10
Value: 6/10

Overall: 5.7/10