Murphy Brewery's Red Ale

Jamming this to this review wouldn't be the worst mistake you ever made in your pointless life.

But cheer up buttercup; this is the review for Murphy's Red Ale. Some of the more handsome beer reviewers on this site grew up with cries of praise to this amber beacon of flavor. So what the hell is the problem? Well, let us start at the start.

1856. Cork, Ireland. The show called "Murphy's Brewery" blooms. James Murphy and his brothers found the brewery; which they have been puttering around in a few years earlier; dabbling in the art known as brewing booze. It only took them five years to get noticed from some of the most notable boozehounds in Ireland (aka everyone). Over the course of the new handful of decades James did a lot of shit, bailed out a few banks, crushed some hoes; typical shit.

At the turn of the century the brewery continued to thrive. A vat of booze exploded in 1913 causing over 20,000 gallons of beer to flood the street, causing brewery workers to swim to safety in the shit they loved so much; Scrooge McDuck style. So while all this fun was happening, America was like "What the fudge, dawg?" and it wasn't until 1979 Murphy's learned their manners and let America enjoy their booze. Six years later they made their mothers proud and shared with everyone. They really only have two beers, their stout and red ale (also referred to as Irish Red) and their red is only exported. So if you are looking for it in Ye Olde Ireland, tough shit!

So what do we got here? A nice light, amber color. Clear as Daniel Radcliffe's homosexuality; not that there's anything wrong with that. It has an off white head that is surprisingly thick and malty.

It has a sweet scent to it with hint of caramel. It's got earthy undertones with a bold sweetness to it.

It doesn't take a genius to come up with this next conclusion but this beer is not meant to drink in a bottle. You got (GOT) to pour it in a glass. It makes it taste at least a million times better. At first sip, it might not taste like much but after a few sloshes in your mouth it really shows its shit. It'll coat your mouth with a thick, malty layer of bittersweet deliciousness. This beer really needs to breath to perform unlike the girl hog-tied in your trunk.

I will admit, I used to love this stuff and after slugging these down one night straight from the bottle I was a little more than unimpressed and I was a little ashamed of myself. I was really looking forward to this beer and you can imagine my disappointment. Once I poured it into a glass, it literally BLEW. MY. MIND. Well. I mean I liked it before so maybe it didn't blow my mind. My point is...pour it in a glass. I might not rush to get another six pack of this ($10.99) but I completely recommend picking up a pint at your local craphole bar. It's got an ABV of 5.0% so it's middle of the road there. It is a nice little treat and why the heck don't you treat yourself? Oh. And I think the new label sucks! (Just my opinion)

Drinkability: 6/10
Taste: 8/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 6.0/10

Central Water's Glacial Trail India Pale Ale

Jam this to the highest of volumes.

So if you know anything about anything you know we initially review Central Waters here so if you want to remind yourself their story (like I just did) just click on it. If you don't wanna learn jackcrap and live in your brother-in-law's basement your whole time just keep reading like some sorta turkey.

So this is their IPA, right? It's got a nice look to it, don't you think? They got the Industrial Design dropout label and the "we brew this in our basement" bottle cap. I do like the label though; the majority of their labels have similar designs. They've gone through a few labels in their history and I guess this season is their minimalist season; cuz who isn't into that shit these days? I picked up a 12 back sampler for $20.99. Not horrible for such a small brewery.

The beer itself has a nice amber color to it; complimented with a nice tan head. The beer is cloudy as you would expect. It looks just as good in a glass as it does in your stomach; or on your drunk friends white shirt.

It has a piney, hoppy aroma. Sweet undertones tickle the olfactory bulbs. Yeah, I went there.

It has a relatively malty taste. The aftertaste leaves a dry finish on the filiform papallae which any jerk can tell you is reserved for sweet flavors. Am I saying this beer is sweet? You're darn tootin'! It has a heavy consistency that I certainly enjoy. They only way you will win a long jump competition after drinking three of these is if you have a talented gift to levitating because these bastards will drag you down faster than your one friend who you never want to hang out with, but then you ignored their call the last three times they called and you feel obligated to answer their calls. You realize that once you hang out you aren't going to have fun and you impatiently keep looking at you phone at the time praying for someone else to call you with an emergency to get out of this situation. "Sorry buddy, Terry just called and I have to help 'em with putting IKEA furniture together; shit!"

This is a great beer for anyone who might like a mild IPA (only 68 IBUs) and anyone who might enjoy a full, hoppy beer. It's heavy so you aren't going to slug 1 million of these but, hell, you can still try. They have an ABV of 5.5% but you would think it higher after a sip or two. I'd get this again, especially out of a tap. It's great out of the bottle and if I came across this at some sort of BBQ in a cooler I'd prolly grab one and try to impress people with my knowledge of it. Then I'd get too drunk and make a royal ass out of myself. Not bragging; just foreseeing the future.

Drinkability: 5/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 6.25/10

Lakefront Brewery's Fuel Cafe Organic Coffee Stout

Rip it sister Hazel!

Yet another beverage from our friends at Lakefront. We first reviewed them here so if you want to learn anything, read that. If you want to read a load of crap, read that and the contents below.

Now, it's common knowledge that I have a man-crush on this brewery; that's evident. It rivals some of my other man-crushes a la Kevin Bacon in Footloose and Christian Slater in anything he's ever done. It's also common knowledge that I like stouts (truth be told I like just about any beer) so this should be a grade A Dominique Wilkins; Two Handed Slam over Joe Dumars' puny frame. Spoiler...it is.

This cleverly disguised can of motor oil, when not used to blind bats' sonar, emits a dark, short head representative of a fine stout. I can safely say, this stuff blocks light completely. So if you are a total wuss or in a situation where you need light to go through your beer, like some science project or something, I'd steer clear. The label is relatively simple; you got some sort of percolator or some shit on there (because its brewed with coffee, you numbskull) and it's got that USDA seal of Organiticity (which makes any scrub look like a total baller; which everyone can enjoy). Where's the coffee come from? How the crap should I know? What am I some sort of coffee king of Tibet? Grow up.

It has a sweet, bold aroma. The deep scent signals to your dang brain it's gonna be a thick, malty brew; which it is. They got malt galore in there (2-row, Caramel, Crystal, Roasted Barley, Chocolate and Black). All those malts are organic as your ex-girlfriend's vegan casserole that taste's like a damn boot that washed up in Jersey. They use Perle hops (Yes, also Organic) and all this stuff in a boiling pot will get you about 18 IBU's and 6.4% ABV. It doesn't take a Buster Poindexter fan you know that a few of these will rip you a new one.

Of course this beer is delicious. It's a full flavored, rich coffee stout. It's quite similar to their Bridge Burner (which we reviewed here) but 10 times more organic. So organic your stomach won't believe it. It's pretty thick and will lay a nice coat of "delicious" in your mouth and a nice coat of "beer fat" around your cute little love handles. You better pick some up before spring or, dare I say, summer hits or you'll be dead. No question. This is a winter beer and you better embrace it, pal!

Drinkability: 6/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 5/10

Overall: 6.25/10