Keweenaw Brewing Company's Widow Maker Black Ale

Turn this shit on and chill out as you read this dope review.

So with a name like Widow Maker Black Ale, only prestigious puss-bags like Billy Cundiff wouldn't try it out at least once. So as the tap illustrates all i knew about this stuff is that it sounded cool and was black, like E2.

So Keweenaw Brewing Company makes this stuff who are not a group of cub scouts working child labor making beers. Its actually a collaboration between DICK Gray and Paul Boissevain located in Houghton, Michigan. They serve beer mostly in Michigan and Wisconsin, so, if you are the majority of the sane people in the USA, you'll never see this beer. They have 5 core beers and a few seasonals that change out every 3 months or so, give or take a day, if its leap year. They have a crapload of special beers of their pubs scattered up in Michigan but you better stop by Little Caeser's beforehand and get a "Hot and Ready" for $5 because they don't serve food there. Like, they aren't the best pizzas, obviously, but you can't afford to not eat it. They're taproom looks actually pretty rad, and you can get drafts for $2.50 so, for $10, you get two beers AND a pizza; best deal ever! If anyone gives you shit about bringing in a pizza into their pristine taprooms, tell them "I Love The Sauce said it's cool" and we'll deal with them later.

Keweenaw Peninsula is the northernmost peninsula of Michigan making it the highest Michigan Wang in Lake Superior and was home to the first copper boom in the United States; and who doesn't like copper?

As far as the beer goes, as the picture clearly depicts, this is a dark beer, but is an ale; thought it does sort of look like a porter, except for the light head. It has a sweet, weak scent and has a nutty, sweet, coffee taste. It's crisp and refreshing, which isn't necessarily good for a dark beer. If you are looking for a dark, full bodied, beer; look elsewhere. But this stuff is good if you are looking for a dark, refreshing beer. It's 5.2% ABV and runs about $5 a pint. I had one of these and tried something else. It wasn't bad, but not mind blowingly radical.

All of Keweenaw's can's look pretty bad ass and if you have some of this stuff around, people from Wisconsin or Michigan will be pretty impressed with you, which means nothing in real life.

Drinkability: 6/10

Taste: 4/10

Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 5.0/10

Guinness Brewery's Smithwicks Irish Red Ale

Smithwicks is from Kilkenny, Ireland and if taken in large doses can really make you wasted off beer, one of my favorite thing beer does. This stuff was brewed in St. Francis Abbey by Saint Abby Francis until 2000. Before that time monks would brew beer and stuff as I'm sure if anyone knows anything about monks it's A.) They brewed tons of beer B.) They have the most strength in Final Fantasy I and the most obvious, and deadly thing, C.) My mom loves to watch them on TV. It's like, monks were the coolest people back in the day. If I could go back in time, I'd totally wanna be a monk after high school. You never hear guidance councilors push that profession; they know it's too cool!

Pete Guinness bought out Smithwick's in 1965 and was like, "Yeah, this sounds like a good idea." So he's been pushing it out the door since then and it was only like 3.8% and American were like, "Hey, if we're gonna drink this stuff you gotta make it a little stronger, ya boneheads!" so they made it 4.5% ABV over here, which is still low for such a full bodied ale.

It's pushed by Guinness, and probably Alec Guinness, so you'll see this all over the place, as I'm sure you already have. I didn't really see it out much until like 6 years ago where I drank it and was like "OMG, ROTFL!" which clearly means I liked it.

It's got a full bodied taste, like, you don't wanna slam this out in the desert, unless they were serving it on that ship Jabba the Hut had in Return of the Jedi where R2-D2 was serving drinks. I mean that place was probably air conditioned. But it's got a caramelly sweet, nutty taste to it. They call it a red, but it looks brown to me. Like, real brown. It smells great, sweet nutty aroma. The one issue I have with it is that douchebags used to always order Guinness at bars, and now douchebags order this to disassociate with the Guinness douchebags.

I order it when I'm in a bar with a bunch of Miller Lite or Belgians everywhere, cuz let's face it folks, if you order anything from Guinness, especially Harp, you're going to be labeled a douchebag and you probably are a douchebag. So go drink this, douchebag.

I feel bad, because it is tasty. But douchebags ruined this. Just like like women ruined voting and that guitar player no one knows ruined Weezer. That guy probably drinks Smithwick's. Oh, if you do order it, call it "smizth-icks" of you'll look like a real jabroni! It's like $8 sixer. $6 for a pint at a bar; you do the math Einstein!

Drinkability: 5/10

Taste: 7/10

Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 4/10

Overall: 5.00/10

Redhook Long Hammer IPA

What's that? You thought this blog was dead? Well you are wrong m f'er! See, the one thing that the writers on this blog have in common (besides being devishly handsome) is that we can be LAZY. Sorry to all you sorry sons of bitches who got used to reading wonderfully funny and inarticulate beer reviews every day. LIFE HAPPENS. But we're back! At least for this one post.

Red Hook Brewery started in Seattle in 1981. I love Seattle. It's probably the best city in the world (I haven't been to Tripoli but I can assume Seattle > Tripoli). Unlike most craft beers, you can get Redhook beers pretty much anywhere, as it is sold in 48 states of the great U S of A. They even have breweries on both sides of the country, one in Woodinville, WA, and one in Portsmouth, NH. The one thing in common between Woodinville and Portsmouth, besides brewing Redhook? Vampires.

The Redhook Long Hammer IPA is a tasty IPA, clocking in at 44 IBUs and 6.5% ABV. It's not the best IPA in the world (again, never been to Tripoli), but it's not the worst either. It has a nice floral, citrus, hoppy flavor, and given the relatively low IBUs, its easy to drink a couple in a row (like 3 in one minute). I got a variety pack on sale on the local Teet for $13.49, a fine deal in my book. The case also included their Pilsnerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, ESB, and Copperhook (one of the items that you can acquire in The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past). Plus the bottles are differently shaped than normal beer bottles. They are more stout and have a shorter neck, kind of like that Jamaican shit Red Stripe. Just not as shitty.

Go out and get the Redhook variety pack, or just get a six-er of the Long Hammer IPA. You're guaranteed to like it, or your money back (not sure who will give you your money back though, so good luck with that, wang).

Drinkability: 7/10

Taste: 7/10

Value: 6/10

Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 6.5/10