Lakefront Brewery's Monkey Wheat Ale

Take this bad mother up to 11!

Yet another beer from our friends at Lakefront; Milwaukee. Let me start by saying this does not taste like bananas unless you've gone bananas. For some reason I thought it might but it tastes like a wheat ale as any normal person would guess. I have had a banana bread in my day and I suppose that's why I felt it might taste like bananas; plus the monkey on the label. So it's a little "deceiving" and by "deceiving" I mean "I'm retarded".

It's got a clean, white head (like yours truly) and the foam lasts as long as a Shia LeBeouf's innocence at Elton John's birthday party. It's got a bubbly, hazy, golden look to it as any hefeweissen would. The label resembles the type of children's book. The ones that are super simple and the one's I'd use for Book-It just to get free pizza at Pizza Hut because they have a grand total of 100 words. Great. Now I want pizza.

It has a wheaty scent to the old bastard. Which makes sense since they use pale wheat malts (along with 2-row). They stick strictly to cascade hops (which I feel is a little amateur) so it's not a very complex flavor and, dare I say, a little boring. I'd stick a little fruit in it (not Shia LaBeouf). Like a lemon or orange slice. Mmm. Orange Slice. Do they still make that?

They stick about 7 IBU's in this guy. Match that with the 4.5% ABV and you're gonna need to crush 10 or so to get a decent buzz on. The beer itself is pretty easy to crush. This is good if you are a 13 year old prepubescent or a 65 year old jagbag. I feel if I had a ton of these I might get a little bored with the flavor so be sure to have plenty of fruit on hand when drinking this.

I probably wouldn't look into getting any more of these if I didn't have a lemon on hand. It's not the type of beer you'd want to bring camping or crush in a parking lot. You gotta plan way ahead and it's not dirt cheap (like I usually like) so is it worth the effort? Probably not. A decent beer but given how lazy I've become this will mostly stay on the back burner and I'd stick with Bridge Burner or something along those lines from Lakefront.

Drinkability: 8/10
Taste: 6/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 5/10

Overall: 6.0/10

Murphy Brewery's Red Ale

Jamming this to this review wouldn't be the worst mistake you ever made in your pointless life.

But cheer up buttercup; this is the review for Murphy's Red Ale. Some of the more handsome beer reviewers on this site grew up with cries of praise to this amber beacon of flavor. So what the hell is the problem? Well, let us start at the start.

1856. Cork, Ireland. The show called "Murphy's Brewery" blooms. James Murphy and his brothers found the brewery; which they have been puttering around in a few years earlier; dabbling in the art known as brewing booze. It only took them five years to get noticed from some of the most notable boozehounds in Ireland (aka everyone). Over the course of the new handful of decades James did a lot of shit, bailed out a few banks, crushed some hoes; typical shit.

At the turn of the century the brewery continued to thrive. A vat of booze exploded in 1913 causing over 20,000 gallons of beer to flood the street, causing brewery workers to swim to safety in the shit they loved so much; Scrooge McDuck style. So while all this fun was happening, America was like "What the fudge, dawg?" and it wasn't until 1979 Murphy's learned their manners and let America enjoy their booze. Six years later they made their mothers proud and shared with everyone. They really only have two beers, their stout and red ale (also referred to as Irish Red) and their red is only exported. So if you are looking for it in Ye Olde Ireland, tough shit!

So what do we got here? A nice light, amber color. Clear as Daniel Radcliffe's homosexuality; not that there's anything wrong with that. It has an off white head that is surprisingly thick and malty.

It has a sweet scent to it with hint of caramel. It's got earthy undertones with a bold sweetness to it.

It doesn't take a genius to come up with this next conclusion but this beer is not meant to drink in a bottle. You got (GOT) to pour it in a glass. It makes it taste at least a million times better. At first sip, it might not taste like much but after a few sloshes in your mouth it really shows its shit. It'll coat your mouth with a thick, malty layer of bittersweet deliciousness. This beer really needs to breath to perform unlike the girl hog-tied in your trunk.

I will admit, I used to love this stuff and after slugging these down one night straight from the bottle I was a little more than unimpressed and I was a little ashamed of myself. I was really looking forward to this beer and you can imagine my disappointment. Once I poured it into a glass, it literally BLEW. MY. MIND. Well. I mean I liked it before so maybe it didn't blow my mind. My point is...pour it in a glass. I might not rush to get another six pack of this ($10.99) but I completely recommend picking up a pint at your local craphole bar. It's got an ABV of 5.0% so it's middle of the road there. It is a nice little treat and why the heck don't you treat yourself? Oh. And I think the new label sucks! (Just my opinion)

Drinkability: 6/10
Taste: 8/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 6/10

Overall: 6.0/10

Central Water's Glacial Trail India Pale Ale

Jam this to the highest of volumes.

So if you know anything about anything you know we initially review Central Waters here so if you want to remind yourself their story (like I just did) just click on it. If you don't wanna learn jackcrap and live in your brother-in-law's basement your whole time just keep reading like some sorta turkey.

So this is their IPA, right? It's got a nice look to it, don't you think? They got the Industrial Design dropout label and the "we brew this in our basement" bottle cap. I do like the label though; the majority of their labels have similar designs. They've gone through a few labels in their history and I guess this season is their minimalist season; cuz who isn't into that shit these days? I picked up a 12 back sampler for $20.99. Not horrible for such a small brewery.

The beer itself has a nice amber color to it; complimented with a nice tan head. The beer is cloudy as you would expect. It looks just as good in a glass as it does in your stomach; or on your drunk friends white shirt.

It has a piney, hoppy aroma. Sweet undertones tickle the olfactory bulbs. Yeah, I went there.

It has a relatively malty taste. The aftertaste leaves a dry finish on the filiform papallae which any jerk can tell you is reserved for sweet flavors. Am I saying this beer is sweet? You're darn tootin'! It has a heavy consistency that I certainly enjoy. They only way you will win a long jump competition after drinking three of these is if you have a talented gift to levitating because these bastards will drag you down faster than your one friend who you never want to hang out with, but then you ignored their call the last three times they called and you feel obligated to answer their calls. You realize that once you hang out you aren't going to have fun and you impatiently keep looking at you phone at the time praying for someone else to call you with an emergency to get out of this situation. "Sorry buddy, Terry just called and I have to help 'em with putting IKEA furniture together; shit!"

This is a great beer for anyone who might like a mild IPA (only 68 IBUs) and anyone who might enjoy a full, hoppy beer. It's heavy so you aren't going to slug 1 million of these but, hell, you can still try. They have an ABV of 5.5% but you would think it higher after a sip or two. I'd get this again, especially out of a tap. It's great out of the bottle and if I came across this at some sort of BBQ in a cooler I'd prolly grab one and try to impress people with my knowledge of it. Then I'd get too drunk and make a royal ass out of myself. Not bragging; just foreseeing the future.

Drinkability: 5/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 7/10

Overall: 6.25/10

Lakefront Brewery's Fuel Cafe Organic Coffee Stout

Rip it sister Hazel!

Yet another beverage from our friends at Lakefront. We first reviewed them here so if you want to learn anything, read that. If you want to read a load of crap, read that and the contents below.

Now, it's common knowledge that I have a man-crush on this brewery; that's evident. It rivals some of my other man-crushes a la Kevin Bacon in Footloose and Christian Slater in anything he's ever done. It's also common knowledge that I like stouts (truth be told I like just about any beer) so this should be a grade A Dominique Wilkins; Two Handed Slam over Joe Dumars' puny frame. Spoiler...it is.

This cleverly disguised can of motor oil, when not used to blind bats' sonar, emits a dark, short head representative of a fine stout. I can safely say, this stuff blocks light completely. So if you are a total wuss or in a situation where you need light to go through your beer, like some science project or something, I'd steer clear. The label is relatively simple; you got some sort of percolator or some shit on there (because its brewed with coffee, you numbskull) and it's got that USDA seal of Organiticity (which makes any scrub look like a total baller; which everyone can enjoy). Where's the coffee come from? How the crap should I know? What am I some sort of coffee king of Tibet? Grow up.

It has a sweet, bold aroma. The deep scent signals to your dang brain it's gonna be a thick, malty brew; which it is. They got malt galore in there (2-row, Caramel, Crystal, Roasted Barley, Chocolate and Black). All those malts are organic as your ex-girlfriend's vegan casserole that taste's like a damn boot that washed up in Jersey. They use Perle hops (Yes, also Organic) and all this stuff in a boiling pot will get you about 18 IBU's and 6.4% ABV. It doesn't take a Buster Poindexter fan you know that a few of these will rip you a new one.

Of course this beer is delicious. It's a full flavored, rich coffee stout. It's quite similar to their Bridge Burner (which we reviewed here) but 10 times more organic. So organic your stomach won't believe it. It's pretty thick and will lay a nice coat of "delicious" in your mouth and a nice coat of "beer fat" around your cute little love handles. You better pick some up before spring or, dare I say, summer hits or you'll be dead. No question. This is a winter beer and you better embrace it, pal!

Drinkability: 6/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 5/10
Curb Appeal: 5/10

Overall: 6.25/10

MillerCoors Brewing Company's Miller Lite Lager

Shit.

This was supposed to be an easy beer review because OBVIOUSLY we must have reviewed Miller or Coors or probably both in the past. Nope. So here's some cliff notes because if you are anything like me, you do not have the patience to read through the history of one of the largest brew suppliers of the third planet.

So it isn't like we have reviewed some of the purveyances of this macrobrewery. We've reviewed Red Dog, Blue Moon (after investigation we actually haven't), Coors Light, Tyskie, Leinkugel...I mean, these guys own the majority of the Western world as you know it. Regardless, nothing was mentioned in any of those reviews about the brewery. Breweries? Whatever.

So here's the skinny. Fred Miller made Miller in 1855 in Milwaukee (the good land). This other dude, Adoph Coors opened Coors in Golden Colorado in 1873 (then modestly called Golden Brewing Company). High Life was born in 1903 which meant everyone got bombed for cheap and woke up with wicked, bad hangovers for the first time. In 1970 Philip Morris (Yes, that Philip Morris) buys Miller because what doesn't go better with beers than a few filthy smokes? Miller Lite is invented in 1975; Coors Light in 1978. With popular college demand to get drunker faster and have a worse hangover than High Life Milwaukee's Best was invented in 1984 per Orwell's prediction. MGD comes around in '86. Miller buys Leinkugel in '88. Keystone sleezes into the world in '89 which makes thousands of homeless cheer. Red Dog and Icehouse are brought in five years later which encourages even more homeless cheering. SAB (South African Breweries) buys Miller in 2002 (which I'm not even going to investigate; just take my word. Coors merges with Molson in 2005; joint venture with Miller in '08. I hope you are keeping track of all of this; you might need a beer to calm yourself. Sooooo. In 2010 they all get into the craft beer market (which I am still against). And that gets us to today; I think. I am fortunate I drink during my reviews.

So where does that put us? Well let's start at the start. The can. I love most throwback stuff like most people with the exception of the Pittsburgh Steelers jerseys. I like this because it reminds me of a time when drinking beer was fun and not a necessity. Remember those days? A day when your damn nagging wife didn't bother you to clean the bathroom every GD weekend. I mean, if she's the one bothered by it, shouldn't SHE clean it? Am I right? So in this particular case, the can is great. I don't get into the Pilsner Bottle, the damn Vortex neck. The punch top. Gentlemen. I ask you. Can we just get back to the business of slamming beers the old fashioned way (ie. any means possible). When you take the fun out of absolute chugging, shotgunning, beer bongs, you are KILLING AMERICA! Grow up!

This stuff looks as clean as the driven snow. Almost too clear. Almost can't trust it. You know what they said, if you are trying to hide something, put it in clear sight.

What's this stuff smell like? Well, c'mon. Smells like Lite Beer; water mixed with a little barley. It's not gonna lure some babe from across the room like some Whore Lure (eg. Axe) but it doesn't smell like the rail car I was on last night. I mean, what died in there? There was a hobo slamming a pint of liquor on there so I guess I could be assumed he was covered in piss and shit. (apologies to any homeless reading this). I assume he stunk. If not he was blind-stinking drunk. Man, was I jealous. I'm still jealous. And no amount of Miller Lite will be me to that hobo's level.

Which brings us to taste. Miller Lite is classic for getting beat for tasting like piss, water, etc. Now, haters gonna hate; that's just what they do. Takes one to know one. But you really have to look at this beer and say "What can this beer do for me?". Am I gonna go out and impress my friends with a 30-rack of Miller Lite? Only my 16-year old friends. But don't look this gift horse in the mouth. When you "need" to slam 20 beers in a night; Miller Lite is there for you. Playing a intense drinking game; such as Drinking RBI Baseball, Drinking Back to the Future, or whatever. Miller Lite is there for you. If you need to outrun the cops, scale a fence, tail gating, or need to drink for 14 hours straight. Miller Lite is there. Need to take a piss 20 times in one day. Miller Lite is there.

At the end of the day, this stuff is cheap, weak (4.2% ABV), men can drink it, girls can drink it, kids can drink it. Dogs drink this. It's the duct tape of beer. I'll drink this in the morning, afternoon or evening. Before, after or during work. It's good anytime for anything. I can drink 100 of these and do a million cartwheels and push-ups.

Is it a special beer? No. Is it going to impress anyone? No. But I feel, deep down in my heart, this beer can be used anytime, anywhere by anyone and is available everywhere. If someone would pass up a free Miller Lite, that's the type of person I don't want to hang out with.

Drinkability: 10/10
Taste: 6/10
Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 4/10

Overall: 6.5/10

Lakefront Brewery's Riverwest Stein Amber Lager

Crank it and yank it sea monkeys.

One million reviews ago we first reviewed Lakefront here and packed that review full of facts, Jack. Subsequent reviews are full of gross exaggerations and some bold faced lies laced with strong opinions and a little innocent flirting and ass-grabbing; and this will be no different.

This is their Amber Lager. Caramel, Two Row and Malted Barley malts mixed with Zeus, Willamette and Cascade hops yields their flagship brew. It hits the scales at 5.6% ABV (respectable) and around 15 IBUs (equally respectable). So why the long face sailor? Well, my friend, we will get to that.

It has a very pleasant, sweet aroma. Hints or a strong barley scent will make you say, "Hey man, what do you got in there?". You start the ol' son of a bitch down the hatch like the night you think you are just about get get eliminated on the Bachelor and, shockingly, the taste leaves something to be desired.  To their credit, it has a malty, full bodied taste but it really has an odd flavor. It credits a floral character due to the yeast and for whatever reason I cannot get past it; it tastes like drinking a heavy, dark German beer which completely is not my steeze.  The taste, itself, works the entire tongue and gives you a full flavor, but is not the flavor you want in your mouth in my opinion. I mean have you ever put anything in your mouth and instantly regretted it? But then, you knew you had to keep it in your mouth until the whole thing is over because you already started and it'd be sort of rude to stop in the middle of it? Right?

It isn't the worst beer in the world, but like I said, it just tastes like they mixed a German beer and an amber ale together and - voila - this happened. I love Lakefront and it pains me to give them a bad review but if someone bought me a pint of this I'd kick their teeth out in disgust.

I don't even like the label and, in my defense, i didn't like the label before I tried the beer. It looks like a logo for a Chinese fast food chain. All around, I am not impressed with this beer at all and it's a shame. A cryin' shame.

Drinkability: 4/10
Taste: 3/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 3/10

Overall: 3.5/10

New Belgium Brewery Company's Abbey Belgian Style Ale

Behold! Crank thou this and let's get along with the damn review; shall we?

First of all, if you didn't click that link, you've missed the best part of this review. It's also distracting as shit when you are trying to write a beer review.

So this is a Belgian from New Belgium; makes sense right? This is one of their only year long Belgian available (Trippel); they have some released in the spring. We initially reviewed New Belgium here so go over there if you wanna get down with some knowledge. If not, that's cool and just read on.

This stuff has a nice amber color to it and is cleaner than Colombian cocaine. You get some serious oak tree effect on this mother and is complimented with a wicked ass tan head. A woman told me that the oak tree effect also means the glasses are clean but a woman did tell me that and how much can you trust them? Plus I don't think i was my glasses that well so I'm pleasantly impressed with my dish washing. Ladies, eat your heart out!

It has a sweet, chocolatey scent with hints of fruit.At first sip, it has a smooth, malty consistency mixed with a dry finish. It tickles your foliate papillae with a tart and leaves a oak, malty finish on your filiform papillae; so your tongue is going pretty bonkers. They use a handful of malts. Specifically, Pale, Chocolate, Carapils, C-80 and Munich. Mix that with the typical Belgian hops Willamette, Target and Liberty and Belgian yeast and you got this stuff; it isn't rocket science Poindexter.

So let's talk about your pocketbook Scrooge McDuck. This jazz has an ABV of seven which is nothing to scoff at. I picked up a variety pack for $14.99 for 12 so you'd have to be a total Bozo to pass that up.

There is some bad news about this beer and I was sort of waiting until the end to bring it up. This stuff, Abbey, isn't really that good. Will it do the trick? Sure. The thing is, is that this tastes more like a porter than a Belgian. I mean this works for me because I don't like Belgians (not counting the people). But most Belgians have an almost vinegar consistency. If I was blindfolded and beaten with a pillowcase filled with bars of soap I couldn't tell the difference.

This beer, overall, is okay. If you are looking for a Belgian I would suggest passing this up. It compliments the variety pack well just because it isn't like the rest of the stuff in there. The only thing Belgian about it is the after taste; but maybe that's what it's supposed to do. I wouldn't even consider buying a sixer of this but what the hell do I know?

Drinkability: 5/10
Taste: 4/10
Value: 7/10
Curb Appeal: 4/10

Overall: 5.0/10