MillerCoors Brewing Company's Miller Lite Lager

Shit.

This was supposed to be an easy beer review because OBVIOUSLY we must have reviewed Miller or Coors or probably both in the past. Nope. So here's some cliff notes because if you are anything like me, you do not have the patience to read through the history of one of the largest brew suppliers of the third planet.

So it isn't like we have reviewed some of the purveyances of this macrobrewery. We've reviewed Red Dog, Blue Moon (after investigation we actually haven't), Coors Light, Tyskie, Leinkugel...I mean, these guys own the majority of the Western world as you know it. Regardless, nothing was mentioned in any of those reviews about the brewery. Breweries? Whatever.

So here's the skinny. Fred Miller made Miller in 1855 in Milwaukee (the good land). This other dude, Adoph Coors opened Coors in Golden Colorado in 1873 (then modestly called Golden Brewing Company). High Life was born in 1903 which meant everyone got bombed for cheap and woke up with wicked, bad hangovers for the first time. In 1970 Philip Morris (Yes, that Philip Morris) buys Miller because what doesn't go better with beers than a few filthy smokes? Miller Lite is invented in 1975; Coors Light in 1978. With popular college demand to get drunker faster and have a worse hangover than High Life Milwaukee's Best was invented in 1984 per Orwell's prediction. MGD comes around in '86. Miller buys Leinkugel in '88. Keystone sleezes into the world in '89 which makes thousands of homeless cheer. Red Dog and Icehouse are brought in five years later which encourages even more homeless cheering. SAB (South African Breweries) buys Miller in 2002 (which I'm not even going to investigate; just take my word. Coors merges with Molson in 2005; joint venture with Miller in '08. I hope you are keeping track of all of this; you might need a beer to calm yourself. Sooooo. In 2010 they all get into the craft beer market (which I am still against). And that gets us to today; I think. I am fortunate I drink during my reviews.

So where does that put us? Well let's start at the start. The can. I love most throwback stuff like most people with the exception of the Pittsburgh Steelers jerseys. I like this because it reminds me of a time when drinking beer was fun and not a necessity. Remember those days? A day when your damn nagging wife didn't bother you to clean the bathroom every GD weekend. I mean, if she's the one bothered by it, shouldn't SHE clean it? Am I right? So in this particular case, the can is great. I don't get into the Pilsner Bottle, the damn Vortex neck. The punch top. Gentlemen. I ask you. Can we just get back to the business of slamming beers the old fashioned way (ie. any means possible). When you take the fun out of absolute chugging, shotgunning, beer bongs, you are KILLING AMERICA! Grow up!

This stuff looks as clean as the driven snow. Almost too clear. Almost can't trust it. You know what they said, if you are trying to hide something, put it in clear sight.

What's this stuff smell like? Well, c'mon. Smells like Lite Beer; water mixed with a little barley. It's not gonna lure some babe from across the room like some Whore Lure (eg. Axe) but it doesn't smell like the rail car I was on last night. I mean, what died in there? There was a hobo slamming a pint of liquor on there so I guess I could be assumed he was covered in piss and shit. (apologies to any homeless reading this). I assume he stunk. If not he was blind-stinking drunk. Man, was I jealous. I'm still jealous. And no amount of Miller Lite will be me to that hobo's level.

Which brings us to taste. Miller Lite is classic for getting beat for tasting like piss, water, etc. Now, haters gonna hate; that's just what they do. Takes one to know one. But you really have to look at this beer and say "What can this beer do for me?". Am I gonna go out and impress my friends with a 30-rack of Miller Lite? Only my 16-year old friends. But don't look this gift horse in the mouth. When you "need" to slam 20 beers in a night; Miller Lite is there for you. Playing a intense drinking game; such as Drinking RBI Baseball, Drinking Back to the Future, or whatever. Miller Lite is there for you. If you need to outrun the cops, scale a fence, tail gating, or need to drink for 14 hours straight. Miller Lite is there. Need to take a piss 20 times in one day. Miller Lite is there.

At the end of the day, this stuff is cheap, weak (4.2% ABV), men can drink it, girls can drink it, kids can drink it. Dogs drink this. It's the duct tape of beer. I'll drink this in the morning, afternoon or evening. Before, after or during work. It's good anytime for anything. I can drink 100 of these and do a million cartwheels and push-ups.

Is it a special beer? No. Is it going to impress anyone? No. But I feel, deep down in my heart, this beer can be used anytime, anywhere by anyone and is available everywhere. If someone would pass up a free Miller Lite, that's the type of person I don't want to hang out with.

Drinkability: 10/10
Taste: 6/10
Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 4/10

Overall: 6.5/10

Lakefront Brewery's Riverwest Stein Amber Lager

Crank it and yank it sea monkeys.

One million reviews ago we first reviewed Lakefront here and packed that review full of facts, Jack. Subsequent reviews are full of gross exaggerations and some bold faced lies laced with strong opinions and a little innocent flirting and ass-grabbing; and this will be no different.

This is their Amber Lager. Caramel, Two Row and Malted Barley malts mixed with Zeus, Willamette and Cascade hops yields their flagship brew. It hits the scales at 5.6% ABV (respectable) and around 15 IBUs (equally respectable). So why the long face sailor? Well, my friend, we will get to that.

It has a very pleasant, sweet aroma. Hints or a strong barley scent will make you say, "Hey man, what do you got in there?". You start the ol' son of a bitch down the hatch like the night you think you are just about get get eliminated on the Bachelor and, shockingly, the taste leaves something to be desired.  To their credit, it has a malty, full bodied taste but it really has an odd flavor. It credits a floral character due to the yeast and for whatever reason I cannot get past it; it tastes like drinking a heavy, dark German beer which completely is not my steeze.  The taste, itself, works the entire tongue and gives you a full flavor, but is not the flavor you want in your mouth in my opinion. I mean have you ever put anything in your mouth and instantly regretted it? But then, you knew you had to keep it in your mouth until the whole thing is over because you already started and it'd be sort of rude to stop in the middle of it? Right?

It isn't the worst beer in the world, but like I said, it just tastes like they mixed a German beer and an amber ale together and - voila - this happened. I love Lakefront and it pains me to give them a bad review but if someone bought me a pint of this I'd kick their teeth out in disgust.

I don't even like the label and, in my defense, i didn't like the label before I tried the beer. It looks like a logo for a Chinese fast food chain. All around, I am not impressed with this beer at all and it's a shame. A cryin' shame.

Drinkability: 4/10
Taste: 3/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 3/10

Overall: 3.5/10

New Belgium Brewery Company's Abbey Belgian Style Ale

Behold! Crank thou this and let's get along with the damn review; shall we?

First of all, if you didn't click that link, you've missed the best part of this review. It's also distracting as shit when you are trying to write a beer review.

So this is a Belgian from New Belgium; makes sense right? This is one of their only year long Belgian available (Trippel); they have some released in the spring. We initially reviewed New Belgium here so go over there if you wanna get down with some knowledge. If not, that's cool and just read on.

This stuff has a nice amber color to it and is cleaner than Colombian cocaine. You get some serious oak tree effect on this mother and is complimented with a wicked ass tan head. A woman told me that the oak tree effect also means the glasses are clean but a woman did tell me that and how much can you trust them? Plus I don't think i was my glasses that well so I'm pleasantly impressed with my dish washing. Ladies, eat your heart out!

It has a sweet, chocolatey scent with hints of fruit.At first sip, it has a smooth, malty consistency mixed with a dry finish. It tickles your foliate papillae with a tart and leaves a oak, malty finish on your filiform papillae; so your tongue is going pretty bonkers. They use a handful of malts. Specifically, Pale, Chocolate, Carapils, C-80 and Munich. Mix that with the typical Belgian hops Willamette, Target and Liberty and Belgian yeast and you got this stuff; it isn't rocket science Poindexter.

So let's talk about your pocketbook Scrooge McDuck. This jazz has an ABV of seven which is nothing to scoff at. I picked up a variety pack for $14.99 for 12 so you'd have to be a total Bozo to pass that up.

There is some bad news about this beer and I was sort of waiting until the end to bring it up. This stuff, Abbey, isn't really that good. Will it do the trick? Sure. The thing is, is that this tastes more like a porter than a Belgian. I mean this works for me because I don't like Belgians (not counting the people). But most Belgians have an almost vinegar consistency. If I was blindfolded and beaten with a pillowcase filled with bars of soap I couldn't tell the difference.

This beer, overall, is okay. If you are looking for a Belgian I would suggest passing this up. It compliments the variety pack well just because it isn't like the rest of the stuff in there. The only thing Belgian about it is the after taste; but maybe that's what it's supposed to do. I wouldn't even consider buying a sixer of this but what the hell do I know?

Drinkability: 5/10
Taste: 4/10
Value: 7/10
Curb Appeal: 4/10

Overall: 5.0/10

Lakefront Brewery's India Pale Ale

Of all the lazy! These guys didn't even come up with a clever name or nothing for this. They didn't name it after their dogs growing up or some inside joke that we'd never understand or care about; just "IPA". Real cool slackers.

So you might as well jack this shit hard cuz that's about all the excitement you gonna get!

This is yet another beer from Milwaukee's Lakefront Brewery. We initially reviewed them here so if you want to get your learn on, by all means. If you don't want to then don't. I mean they're from Milwaukee; do you need to know anything else, you turkey?

This beer is real cloudy with an orange hue; looks more like a hefeweissen than an IPA but certainly doesn't taste like a hefeweissen. The label is "eh". There's a "more than creepy" eyeball judging while you drink. It's like your dad staring at you saying "you really need another one, son?" and then you just get more nervous and end up drinking even more. They roll deep at a 6.6% ABV (which isn't "your dad's beer") and after six of them you start seeing three eyes.

This beer is in their normal line-up but I got it as part of their variety pack. 12 beers for $20.99 (plus tax). It isn't a "steal of the week" but for as much I want to get in bed with Lakefront, I knew I wouldn't be disappointed. And, baby, I ain't disappointed.

They use two main types of hops for this 42 IBU wonder, Cascade and Chinook (with a dash of citrus hops to reduce your chances of scurvy & some Zeus for all the Greeks out there). The most noticeable thing you will notice is that this is a far maltier IPA than most. The use 2-row and a couple caramel malts which will just about do the trick there.  It has a subtle hop flavor and a dry finish so it should appease most crowds as long as they don't mind hops. It's full bodied so don't get on the parallel bars after crushing 12 of these or you'll totally ralph all over everyone.

It has a blase aroma; mild citrus and hoppy undertones. It's deceiving that such a full bodied tasty beer has a relatively insignificant scent. The good news is that if you are all hopped up on juice boxes and black tar heroin you won't even care (or if you are dead sober).

This is a great beer for any hops aficionado or someone who is just trying to stay warm in the winter with a thick, malty beer. If you see this I highly suggest you give it a crack. It isn't as floral as some IPAs and is a great beer if you are 1 or 101. It's a shame they clearly fired their marketing director when this beer came online because this star should shine like Elijah Wood's eye after I run into him in a dark alley after a long of of tacking on 10 of this dirty bastards. I can't remember why I don't like that guy but I'm sure I have some reason.

Drinkability: 7/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 4/10

Overall: 6.0/10

Central Water's Brewhouse Coffee Stout

Picture this you nimrod: You're walking aimlessly in northern Wisconsin in the winter. It's dark out and hella cold. The snow is coming on thick and you think you'll never make it to "where ever the hell you're going" and all you have is your wit and a brown sack. In your mind, this song is on repeat and you are pretty sure you are losing it, and losing it fast. You split your sack open and pull out a double deuce of this yea out. You wedge the cap of with a stick you found next to that fence and in your last hours you slug this down with no fear. Then a pick-up truck beams its lights down the road and as much as you hate Wisconsin-folk this guy is a real gem and drops you off at the party you were headed to. The party was awesome and you tell that story and everyone thinks you are a real mountain man. Did I mention there are mountains? There's mountains.

Central Waters is a brewery in Amhurst, Wisconsin (originally in Junction City, WI). It started in 1996 by these two dudes (Mike McElwain and Jerry Ebel) in an old Model A factory. They hired local jag Paul "Moonlight" Graham as their head brewer. Three years later the company tanked and was sold to Clint Schultz and with Moonlight, they got imperial on everyone's ass and that's when the brewery really tool off (in 1999).

In 2001 they moved to Amhurst. Five years after that Schultz said adios and Moonlight and his pal Anello Mollica took the reigns; following all this? They currently have 18 beers in their rotation. It is said that the original brewers, McElwain and Ebel, are now pumping gas in Jersey.

These guys are all about solar energy and use photo cells to ensure lighting is not wasted (unlike you after slugging a few of these down). Long story short. Energy conservation and smaller carbon footprint. Sounds more like California than Wisconsin.

I mentioned beer; remember beers? They got 7 in their normal rotation, 4 for their seasonals, 8 in their reserve series (like this one) and another three in the cellar sessions (which requires your left arm and your first born to receive). Worth it by the way.

This is their Brewhouse Coffee Stout. Emy J is responsible for the coffee and Moonlight and his pal are responsible for the rest. As the picture suggests, this has a dark tan head and is darker than Tony Goldwyn's soul. Don't get that reference? Have you ever seen Ghost ingrate? Demi Moore was pretty hot in that movie. And the Swayze. But when isn't he a looker. (RIP).

So how does this taste? Like the aforementioned story suggests; this stuff is thick, heavy and ready for your mouth (like your high school prom date). It has a sweet scent (unlike your prom date) with some chocolatey hints and coffee overtones.  It's quite sweet and malty. Thick, creamy and smooth. There isn't much head to it which might deter some people but trust me, this is a very nice, full bodied stout.

So flavor? Yeah. Solid. So that prolly means its more expensive than a Danish Hooker, right? P'Shaw mudderflutter! I picked this up for under $6 for a double deuce so this has a lot going for it. So here's the catch, probably not very strong. Well listen up Hercules, if you think 8.2% ABV is weak then go back to Hades with Sir Loins-A-Lot and benchpress school buses.

You aren't going to be able to slug a million of these before the 100m hurdles, however, for a stout these are quite potable. I wish totally get this again and I think anyone who doesn't is downright silly in the head. I don't like to be negative, but it's the truth. Cheap, delicious, strong. This is Wisconsin (the good parts) stuffed in a bottle. Really, REALLY good stout. Oh-Em-Gee.

Drinkability: 9/10
Taste: 9/10
Value: 7/10
Curb Appeal: 8/10

Overall: 8.25/10

Great Lakes Brewing Co. Blackout Stout

Back in 2003 something went wrong up in the Northeastern United States and all the electricity stopped working. Some guys fixed it after a while but it was still kinda creepy with all that darkness. Darkness can be creepy but darkness can also be very good. 

The Great Lakes Brewing Co. named this imperial stout after that infamous blackout in 2003. Now let us talk about it. 

The Great Lakes Brewing Co. is based in Cleveland, Ohio, across the Hope Memorial Bridge from downtown. I spent a beautiful early autumn afternoon in the pub downstairs watching the Indians whoop on the Twins. 

Ok, back to business. The imperial stout originated from recipes British brewers created for Russia's czars and czarinas before the Bolsheviks chopped all their heads off. So, now all of us get to enjoy 'em. A variety of malts and hops help contribute to this stout's flavor. Roasted barley and black malt help develop the stout's dark Pennzoil color at 50 IBUs. Northern brewer and Simcoe hops blend together to create a characteristically bold-hoppy flavor. 

I've only recently gotten into the stout game thanks to my good brother Adam Gregory. The extra hops and alcohol content of the blackout stout don't go down as smooth as the many Lancaster Milk Stouts we be sluggin' down on the regular but it still maintains a robust yet smooth flavor. A strong, coffee like aroma fills your mouth after every sip. Glorious. 

This beer recommends a 50 degree serving temperature, so be sure to have your meat thermometers ready. 

Where I start to get interested is the stout's 9% abv. Now, boy do those Russians love their booze! I reckon that's approximately the alcohol content of three Pennsylvania style lagers. Which you can pick up for like eleven dollars a case at your local Pennsylvania ugly beer distributor. 

Great Lakes packages these stouts in 4-packs rather than 6-packs, probably for your own safety. After four of these you'll be feeling crisp. After twelve of these you'll be pissing your pants and telling people your name is "Sally Draper". 

Merry Christmas

Drinkability: 7/10

Taste: 7/10

Value: 6/10

Curb Appeal: 9/10

Overall: 7.25/10

Boston Brewing Company's Winter Lager

Those scumbags in Boston are back at it again with this winter lager. If you wanna read about Boston Brewing Company you can read about it in this review with one major update: Boston Brewing Company is no longer the largest American Owned Brewery in the world. It got beat out to our friends at Yuengling. Huzzah to the commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

So let's get to the beer, why don't we? First and foremost I think winter ales and lagers are for the birds. I might get into pumpkin beers and I'll toss back some nog when the time's right but winter beers? Not my steeze. What is my steeze? NBA Jam, raspberry jam and the Jam. All things JAM! Delicious. I'll say this about this winter lager....I've had worse. It's got a dark tan head and a nice amber color; it's like the Samoset of beer; one of the more underrated native Americans. Speaking of, I bet those dude brewed some pretty gnar brews. And man, weren't they ripped? I bet those guys would totally clean up in MMA. Like that Indian in Ernest Goes to Camp; when the blade and gun and tomahawk or whatever the shit it was couldn't hurt em. Then Ernest was all like, "Hey Vern...these boys are keeping their camp" and those dudes had that food shooting machine. Third world problems.

So we agree it looks good. The price wasn't too bad. I picked up a twelver for 14 bones which, let's face it, ain't too shab. It's 5.6% ABV so you won't be driving any school buses after a kegstand or four. And the label is the same bullshit label their Boston Lager uses (pretty much) which I'm a little more than "sick of". Still, it's no Juju.

It's got a sweet scent; with some citrus and ginger undertones. It's a lager so it isn't too malty. They do use a decent amount of malts. Samuel Adams two-row pale malt blend, Caramel 60, malted wheat, Weyermann Carafa Malt, and Munich 10 is your are keeping score. They also use a couple of hops I never heard of which immediately makes me think they are made up. Whatever though, I'm not judging.

All things considered, this tastes less than a fart than most winter brews. Would I get it again? Uhm. Probably not. The taste isn't as overwhelming as most winter hooch. I picked this up for a party just in case other booze ran out. Spoiler alert; it didn't. So now I'm stuck with a handful of these. I can probably power through them...after chugging cough syrup. Again, not a winter beer fan, but as far as winter brews go; it's way more tolerable than some jerks out there.

Drinkability: 6.0/10
Taste: 6.0/10
Value: 5.0/10
Curb Appeal: 4.0/10

Overall: 5.25/10