MillerCoors Brewing Company's Miller Lite Lager

Shit.

This was supposed to be an easy beer review because OBVIOUSLY we must have reviewed Miller or Coors or probably both in the past. Nope. So here's some cliff notes because if you are anything like me, you do not have the patience to read through the history of one of the largest brew suppliers of the third planet.

So it isn't like we have reviewed some of the purveyances of this macrobrewery. We've reviewed Red Dog, Blue Moon (after investigation we actually haven't), Coors Light, Tyskie, Leinkugel...I mean, these guys own the majority of the Western world as you know it. Regardless, nothing was mentioned in any of those reviews about the brewery. Breweries? Whatever.

So here's the skinny. Fred Miller made Miller in 1855 in Milwaukee (the good land). This other dude, Adoph Coors opened Coors in Golden Colorado in 1873 (then modestly called Golden Brewing Company). High Life was born in 1903 which meant everyone got bombed for cheap and woke up with wicked, bad hangovers for the first time. In 1970 Philip Morris (Yes, that Philip Morris) buys Miller because what doesn't go better with beers than a few filthy smokes? Miller Lite is invented in 1975; Coors Light in 1978. With popular college demand to get drunker faster and have a worse hangover than High Life Milwaukee's Best was invented in 1984 per Orwell's prediction. MGD comes around in '86. Miller buys Leinkugel in '88. Keystone sleezes into the world in '89 which makes thousands of homeless cheer. Red Dog and Icehouse are brought in five years later which encourages even more homeless cheering. SAB (South African Breweries) buys Miller in 2002 (which I'm not even going to investigate; just take my word. Coors merges with Molson in 2005; joint venture with Miller in '08. I hope you are keeping track of all of this; you might need a beer to calm yourself. Sooooo. In 2010 they all get into the craft beer market (which I am still against). And that gets us to today; I think. I am fortunate I drink during my reviews.

So where does that put us? Well let's start at the start. The can. I love most throwback stuff like most people with the exception of the Pittsburgh Steelers jerseys. I like this because it reminds me of a time when drinking beer was fun and not a necessity. Remember those days? A day when your damn nagging wife didn't bother you to clean the bathroom every GD weekend. I mean, if she's the one bothered by it, shouldn't SHE clean it? Am I right? So in this particular case, the can is great. I don't get into the Pilsner Bottle, the damn Vortex neck. The punch top. Gentlemen. I ask you. Can we just get back to the business of slamming beers the old fashioned way (ie. any means possible). When you take the fun out of absolute chugging, shotgunning, beer bongs, you are KILLING AMERICA! Grow up!

This stuff looks as clean as the driven snow. Almost too clear. Almost can't trust it. You know what they said, if you are trying to hide something, put it in clear sight.

What's this stuff smell like? Well, c'mon. Smells like Lite Beer; water mixed with a little barley. It's not gonna lure some babe from across the room like some Whore Lure (eg. Axe) but it doesn't smell like the rail car I was on last night. I mean, what died in there? There was a hobo slamming a pint of liquor on there so I guess I could be assumed he was covered in piss and shit. (apologies to any homeless reading this). I assume he stunk. If not he was blind-stinking drunk. Man, was I jealous. I'm still jealous. And no amount of Miller Lite will be me to that hobo's level.

Which brings us to taste. Miller Lite is classic for getting beat for tasting like piss, water, etc. Now, haters gonna hate; that's just what they do. Takes one to know one. But you really have to look at this beer and say "What can this beer do for me?". Am I gonna go out and impress my friends with a 30-rack of Miller Lite? Only my 16-year old friends. But don't look this gift horse in the mouth. When you "need" to slam 20 beers in a night; Miller Lite is there for you. Playing a intense drinking game; such as Drinking RBI Baseball, Drinking Back to the Future, or whatever. Miller Lite is there for you. If you need to outrun the cops, scale a fence, tail gating, or need to drink for 14 hours straight. Miller Lite is there. Need to take a piss 20 times in one day. Miller Lite is there.

At the end of the day, this stuff is cheap, weak (4.2% ABV), men can drink it, girls can drink it, kids can drink it. Dogs drink this. It's the duct tape of beer. I'll drink this in the morning, afternoon or evening. Before, after or during work. It's good anytime for anything. I can drink 100 of these and do a million cartwheels and push-ups.

Is it a special beer? No. Is it going to impress anyone? No. But I feel, deep down in my heart, this beer can be used anytime, anywhere by anyone and is available everywhere. If someone would pass up a free Miller Lite, that's the type of person I don't want to hang out with.

Drinkability: 10/10
Taste: 6/10
Value: 6/10
Curb Appeal: 4/10

Overall: 6.5/10

Lakefront Brewery's Riverwest Stein Amber Lager

Crank it and yank it sea monkeys.

One million reviews ago we first reviewed Lakefront here and packed that review full of facts, Jack. Subsequent reviews are full of gross exaggerations and some bold faced lies laced with strong opinions and a little innocent flirting and ass-grabbing; and this will be no different.

This is their Amber Lager. Caramel, Two Row and Malted Barley malts mixed with Zeus, Willamette and Cascade hops yields their flagship brew. It hits the scales at 5.6% ABV (respectable) and around 15 IBUs (equally respectable). So why the long face sailor? Well, my friend, we will get to that.

It has a very pleasant, sweet aroma. Hints or a strong barley scent will make you say, "Hey man, what do you got in there?". You start the ol' son of a bitch down the hatch like the night you think you are just about get get eliminated on the Bachelor and, shockingly, the taste leaves something to be desired.  To their credit, it has a malty, full bodied taste but it really has an odd flavor. It credits a floral character due to the yeast and for whatever reason I cannot get past it; it tastes like drinking a heavy, dark German beer which completely is not my steeze.  The taste, itself, works the entire tongue and gives you a full flavor, but is not the flavor you want in your mouth in my opinion. I mean have you ever put anything in your mouth and instantly regretted it? But then, you knew you had to keep it in your mouth until the whole thing is over because you already started and it'd be sort of rude to stop in the middle of it? Right?

It isn't the worst beer in the world, but like I said, it just tastes like they mixed a German beer and an amber ale together and - voila - this happened. I love Lakefront and it pains me to give them a bad review but if someone bought me a pint of this I'd kick their teeth out in disgust.

I don't even like the label and, in my defense, i didn't like the label before I tried the beer. It looks like a logo for a Chinese fast food chain. All around, I am not impressed with this beer at all and it's a shame. A cryin' shame.

Drinkability: 4/10
Taste: 3/10
Value: 4/10
Curb Appeal: 3/10

Overall: 3.5/10